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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am too old, aren’t it?

308 replies

OrangeKettle · 14/10/2024 21:51

I think I know the answer I’ll get from everyone.

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I used to read posts on here, with women in a similar situation, and know I should leave, but couldn’t. Eventually I managed to. It was the best thing I ever did. It took me years to realise what had happened and that it wasn’t normal, and to start getting over it.

7 years later, I met someone who is the complete opposite. The kindest, generous, nicest, helpful man ever. Looks after me constantly. We’ve never had a cross word. Hard working, supportive, etc. We now live together too.

I have two children from my first marriage. One is early teens, one is slightly younger.

My partner has no children. He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

I would love another child. I know he would. He would also be a fab dad. Not like my ex.

However…. I am 44. He is 7 years younger. I am in a better situation (mentally) and still very active. I have periods every 28 days. Still ovulate at the “right” time (despite having coil, I still get periods).

But, it would be wrong, wouldn’t it? I’m too old, aren’t I?

OP posts:
Noideawhatimdoing40 · 15/10/2024 21:54

I’m 40 and would love another baby. My youngest is 10 and eldest 11 and I’m single 🙄

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/10/2024 21:56

Freud2 · 15/10/2024 18:40

You're not too old - I had my first and only baby at 47 years old. I had a really easy pregnancy and birth. I think being an older mother has lots of advantages - you don't crave going out all.the time, you know who you are and are more stable probably financially. Perhaps seeing a consultant would help you decide together. If you decide not to go ahead you can still have a great life together. Good luck!

Naturally or via ivf

Suusue · 15/10/2024 22:20

No of course you are not too old. I had three of my children over 40. One at 40 one at 42 and one at 44.

FootieMama · 15/10/2024 22:22

I didn't read the full thread but f OP is planning to have baby from her own eggs the risk of birth defects increase a lot with age. I wouldn't take the risk. I think 44 is too old to conceive with your own eggs at least

Rain11 · 15/10/2024 22:25

OrangeKettle · 15/10/2024 07:46

Thank you for all your opinions. Even the “harsher” ones. I appreciate them all.

The impact on my children is a major factor. As people have mentioned, my eldest is a big issue. Both children have said in the past (when I met DP) that they wanted a sibling, but they don’t understand the reality.

For example, at the moment, DP and I facilitate their social lives. Throw a baby into the mix, and that changes. That’s just one thing, but to them could be major.

The risk of having a child with disabilities is another big thing.

My parents are still young in themselves. They help massively. But would they cope with a newborn? Would they want to? Unlikely.

My partner and I have a good life at the moment. We do lots. That would change too.

My head is definitely saying no.

For the posters that say about looking at my current partner after an abusive man, and that he seems too good to be true… I can see that! However, he is genuinely a good man. I know from his ex wife, friends, colleagues etc what he’s been like in the past too, never a bad word.

He helps out and makes an effort with my children. That might have to do. And we continue to enjoy our lives together.

Thank you everyone.

You might regret this in a few years...he might resent you in the future for not even trying...

At the end of the day, you must know what's best for you and your relationship.

Good luck.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 15/10/2024 22:30

Overthebow · 14/10/2024 22:00

It’s a personal choice. Personally I would be too old at 44 as I wouldn’t want the increased risk of miscarriage, complications and disabilities and I wouldn’t want to be 60 with a teenager, but others do have them at that age and are very happy.

Same here. I'd be worried about complications. I had mine at 34 and was told I was a geriatric mother!

BlazenWeights · 15/10/2024 22:37

Hope you’re not trying to take such a serious decision based on what strangers say. IMO not too late, don’t be silly.

Bubblesdublin · 15/10/2024 22:42

Go for it

TheMamaLife · 15/10/2024 22:59

ComtesseDeSpair · 14/10/2024 22:01

He wanted them but has accepted he won’t have any with me. He says he’d rather be with me than not.

All of the men I’ve known to say this have essentially meant “I’m not fussed about children and I’m actually quite relieved that I don’t actually have to vocalise that.” If he really wanted a child then why has he not so much as suggested that you could try and see what happens? Be careful you don’t end up being the driving force for a baby he’s actually half-hearted about and you end up doing the bulk of the care for.

This is a very good point. I thought I should highlight it again.

Say the worst happened, relationship-wise, and he’s not in the picture - could you, at 44/45 do it all again, alone, with a teen and pre-teen??

Figure out of if your partner really does want kids.

TheMamaLife · 15/10/2024 23:04

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 15/10/2024 22:30

Same here. I'd be worried about complications. I had mine at 34 and was told I was a geriatric mother!

Show quote history

Had my first at 35 and was geriatric then, now am 37 and expecting. We already know there are so many complications… I’m so scared about everything all the time and have put everything else in life on hold just to focus on the pregnancy (we were 1 week from competing on a house, but due to the complications, pulled out to end the stress which was affecting the pregnancy).

complications are all consuming. Think carefully about the impact on your other kids too.

Doubledenim305 · 15/10/2024 23:10

Try!

Pomollo · 15/10/2024 23:34

If you think you’ll regret not trying then go for it

BUT… don’t leave it to chance, go to speak to your gp ASAP and get your fertility tested inside and out and his sperm too while you are at it

research properly which tests are required and go private if your gp won’t refer you, at this stage they aren’t that expensive in the scheme of things, (IVF that is) sometimes they (your gp) will do some of bloods but not the all the hormone levels

then you’ll know your chances. If they are low then think seriously about options as ivf won’t magic up anymore good eggs than natural conception

just be really really realistic as you may have to think donor eggs

this comes from a place of experience of a long painful journey dealing with secondary infertility

don’t leave it to chance and “let’s see” get serious!!! And good luck!! 44 isn’t too old if he’s up for sharing the load xx

NavyBee · 16/10/2024 00:29

Too old how? If we are talking increased risk that you won’t get pregnant/ increased risk of developmental abnormalities in the child, yes your age brings those risks and you need to face them. And talk to your partner about what you will do if testing shows your unborn baby has a problem. Or if it turns out that you can’t get pregnant. If you mean too old because kids are exhausting (but wonderful) - well it’s your choice to think about whether you want to undertake that. But you have experience as a parent- that helps a lot. Older parents tend to have less energy but more experience/wisdom/common sense.

CrowleyKitten · 16/10/2024 01:07

it's up to you both. it MIGHT still happen if you want it to, and stop taking precautions.

if you would both like it to happen but aren't determined about it, maybe just give nature a chance and see where it leads

CelestiaNoctis · 16/10/2024 01:29

If you're both committed then I say go for it. Absolutely not too old.

pineapplesundae · 16/10/2024 01:35

Don’t forget how exhausting babies are. And be mindful they may come with health/ mental issues. Still lovable of course but even more work.

RogueFemale · 16/10/2024 01:45

Think of the potential child first, and its experience, not what you want. Even if you do succeed in getting pregnant and having a baby, 50/50 chance you'll end up as a single (late 40s-50s) mother of the new child. A really lonely sort of situation, with a teenager and a 60+ mum. I say this as the daughter of a very young single mother, and that was also shit.

Freud2 · 16/10/2024 07:48

It was through IVF - that part was difficult but definitely worth it in the end!

Skyrainlight · 16/10/2024 08:30

Yes, you're too old. Too many risks.

SabreIsMyFave · 16/10/2024 10:13

Jen739 · 15/10/2024 18:03

The other line on my bingo card for this topic is "Nobody ever regrets having another child."

Show quote history

Well exactly! Like I said earlier in the thread - I don't know any woman alive - who is aged 50 plus, who regrets not having another child in her mid 40s.

I know quite a number of women, (friends and relatives - who had already got children aged 10 or more, including myself,) who got a little bit broody in their early 40s - like 40 to 43. And they even actually stopped using contraception and tried to get pregnant. (It was like the last chance saloon. You just get this last twinge to have another baby.) But it never happened.

Every single one of them (including me,) is absolutely thankful to the good Lord above that it never happened - because I can't think of anything worse than having a 10 year old running around me now. I am menopausal, short-tempered, no tolerance for anything, fucking hate everyone half the time, and really REALLY want and need my own space... It fills me with horror thinking I could have had a 5 year old running around when I was around 50!

I am absolutely loving the empty nest. I LOVED having my DC for the 20 years they were here and was sad when they went, for a good year. But now I have got used to the empty nest. Freedom, time to yourself, lots of surplus money, (because we're not supporting anyone,) me and DH can get up and go off for daytrips and weekends spontaneously - because we're not having to think about anybody else, and we just have absolute peace and tranquillity.

My 2 DC have always had all of our time and are have always been our priority too. No much younger DC to have to worry about, whilst the older ones get neglected.

Honestly. I can't think of anything worse than having school age kids at home right now (in my mid 50s!). And could potentially have them here for another 10-15 years.

No, I don't know one single woman who is 50 plus, who regrets not having another child in her mid 40s. Not one!

!

SillyOldBucket · 16/10/2024 10:29

It's a very subjective question. Those on here who say you are too old will be because they feel they just wouldn't have the energy in their 40's or want to do other things. Only you can decide really. If you both want another child and you still feel youthful, energetic, and committed then definitely go for it. I had twins at 48 (via IVF) and have loved every minute. It's definitely not wrong and you are definitely not too old. But it is important that both of you are committed. The only other thing I would say is just because you are still having periods, it does not necessarily mean you will have a successful pregnancy. I was also still having regular periods but had 5 miscarriages before going down the IVF with egg donor route. Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you decide.

bigblueocean · 16/10/2024 11:01

You're not too old, don't listen to that nonsense. My mother had me when she was 41 (no IVF) and she's still life and soul of the party in her 80s (If you're worried about not having energy for children or not being around long enough for them etc). I had my first child at 40 (no IVF) and I have no regrets. It does change the relationship with your partner but not necessarily for the worst. We're very very happy.

Sleepytiredyawn · 16/10/2024 11:28

It sounds like you’ve spent a lot of your life unhappy. Now you’re happy with someone who treats you right. You aren’t old and your children aren’t exactly in their 20’s so if this is what you really want then go for it. Of course there’s a chance it may not happen but that can be the case for anyone, just keep an open mind and be sure you’re both can be happy whatever the outcome.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 16/10/2024 13:48

TheMamaLife · 15/10/2024 23:04

Had my first at 35 and was geriatric then, now am 37 and expecting. We already know there are so many complications… I’m so scared about everything all the time and have put everything else in life on hold just to focus on the pregnancy (we were 1 week from competing on a house, but due to the complications, pulled out to end the stress which was affecting the pregnancy).

complications are all consuming. Think carefully about the impact on your other kids too.

Show quote history

Best wishes. We also cancelled our house move when I was pg and ended up living with twins in a very small space for 18 months!

TheMamaLife · 16/10/2024 14:54

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 16/10/2024 13:48

Best wishes. We also cancelled our house move when I was pg and ended up living with twins in a very small space for 18 months!

Show quote history

Thank you.. all going well with the pregnancy, we’ll be playing a very tricky game of furniture-Tetris to make our one bed flat work for the four of us! But we have no regrets. It’s reassuring to know others have had to do the same and managed it.