Secret phone calls…

[EmpressTrinTrin]

Dp of 4 years was married to his ex wife for 10 years. They have children. 2 girls. I usually don’t interfere in their co-parenting business, I let them do that in peace but recently the ex-wife asked dp that when making phone calls to his children, I should not be around and so he complied and whenever he has to make phone calls to his children he leaves the house to do so. So obviously I am now thinking what is it that they will talk about that I can’t hear because she is always in the background and will sometimes find ways to involve herself in the conversations between dp and his children. AIBU by asking DP why he has to leave when he must communicate with his children and the request of his ex-wife and should instead make his phone calls where I can also hear what is being said if there are no secrets?

I mean YABU to not have already asked that perfectly normal question already? 😳

Do you get involved in the phone calls?

If not, you obviously need to find out the reason she's giving?

The ex wife obviously feels insecure knowing you can hear his private conversations to his children and to keep the peace, I would comply with her request. You've already said that their co-parenting is none of your business so keep it at that. Don't rock the boat over something so minor. It sounds like you're scared of your husband having any kind of conversation with his ex-wife - why is that?

If the phone calls are about their shared DC and co-parenting arrangements then why would you want to listen in?

I’d maybe look inwardly to see why this is bothering you so much. You sound a bit jealous or suspicious over your DH potentially speaking to his ex wife and mother to his children.

OP is talking about her DP making calls to his children, not to his ex about co-parenting. The ex doesn’t want OP listening to DP talking to their children. Weird.

What I'm wondering is how the ex or the kids even know she's there?

I feel as though there's a bit more to this.

I also suspect there is more to this as it doesn't make sense. Had you been getting involved with the calls to the kids? Why is DP letting his ex dictate where he uses the phone? If he does want privacy, why doesn't he just go into a bedroom and shut the door, why on earth does he need to leave the house??

Are you sure it's actually the kids he's speaking to?

Sorry @IchiNiSanShiGo I got the wrong end of the stick but my opinion still stands

The phone calls are 'private' rather than 'secret' - secret would imply the OP didn't know the calls were occurring

Do you insist on being present and listening in when he phones his parents or friends?

I am more inclined to be suspicious unless there's a background of you interfering or making unwanted comments.
My ex used to insist he had to have private and secret calls with the mother of his children but it turned out that was because he was still sleeping with her.

There must be more to this. How would they even know you were there unless you're getting involved somehow. But also, why do you feel like you need to be in the room. Presumably he's talking to his DC not gossiping about you to his ex

Op isn't wanting to listen in, she's wondering why anyone should need to go out of their way to ensure she can't hear any of the conversation.
It's an odd request.

Why shouldn't op be in the same house when a conversation is happening, just going about her normal business?

Possible reasons why the ex should request this are many.
From the stupid but harmless - ex is touchy over the fact of op's existence... To the alarming - something untoward is going on (someone's behaviour is out of line, op/Dp/ex).

Possible reasons why the DH should go along with the request/instruction are many.
From the stupid but harmless - he's trying to keep the peace and she uses the kids as a bargaining chip to keep him in line... To the alarming - someone's behaviour is out of line.

All you can do is talk to him op, try to find out why she wanted that and why he went shopping with it... And see what's what.

Maybe the children have asked? Do they feel inhibited talking to their father if they think someone else is listening in? Particularly if he is on speaker or video?
Were you involved in him splitting from their mother?

I think it is ok to ask WHY this request has been made but it would be massively controlling to insist on being there when he talks to his kids. He has every right to have his conversations with them in private, regardless of what they talk about.

He had slept with her while we were together a number of times and I forgave him but had asked him for transparency when communicating with her etc. so I didn’t understand why he had to leave the house to speak to his children.

The children deserve a one to one relationship with their dad. It could be as simple as that.

There was a thread the other day where a lot of people talked about how their stepmothers never allowed them one to one time or phone calls with their fathers and it's very sad.

My stepmother was and is very insecure and finds my dad's children a threat. I really wish my dad had made sure he and I got one to one time when I was growing up and now too. It's nothing against the stepmother and it's nice to have family time with everyone there and even one to one time with my stepmother.
But kids of separated parents need one to one relationships with each of their parents.

Ok just saw your update.

Sounds like you'd be better off not with this man at all.

She wants to be able to ask her children if they are OK and to know their responses won't be censored by them knowing you're listening in. She will want to ask if they're having a good time, eaten well, if you're treating them OK and know they can be honest. The question is, why? If this is a new thing it suggests she may have a new reason to be concerned. Perhaps one if the DC has complained to her about something that happens in your household? Of she's expecting it if your husband also then she must have given him a reason, surely? Ask him what it is.

Blimey. Why would you accept him over lapping you and her both. That's a mad blurring of the lines... You'll never know where you stand unless he's all shop front and no back office, which is not realistic, and now you're here.

OH 🙄

If he has to leave the house to speak to his children on the phone, one would assume they're already with her?

I had asked and he said its to protect the peace because me and the ex wife tend to fight especially because she still finds ways to insult me and him doing nothing about it.
the reason she requested that is so that she can insult me without me jumping in to save myself.

They slept together numerous times when I was with him and i forgve him but had asked for us to be transparent with one another especially with matters of ex-wife.

Have you got kids with this man op? If not I wouldnt even consider staying with him.

But he's supposed to be talking to his kids, not her?

Also, how would you know she's insulting you anyway?

Just for clarity, were they separated/divorced when he slept with her a number of times? Or were you actually the OW?

These poor kids. You and the ex wife have been arguing and insulting each other while the kids are having their phone call with their dad? You need to grow up and behave better.