Secret phone calls…

[EmpressTrinTrin]

Dp of 4 years was married to his ex wife for 10 years. They have children. 2 girls. I usually don’t interfere in their co-parenting business, I let them do that in peace but recently the ex-wife asked dp that when making phone calls to his children, I should not be around and so he complied and whenever he has to make phone calls to his children he leaves the house to do so. So obviously I am now thinking what is it that they will talk about that I can’t hear because she is always in the background and will sometimes find ways to involve herself in the conversations between dp and his children. AIBU by asking DP why he has to leave when he must communicate with his children and the request of his ex-wife and should instead make his phone calls where I can also hear what is being said if there are no secrets?

I don't think it's about insisting on being there but the fact he is listening to his ex wife and allowing her to dictate how he handles his phone calls let alone at the expense of his own wife isn't acceptable. And to answer your question yes I would find it strange if my own husband needed to make sure I wasn't in earshot for phone calls with parents, friends, etc... we are married and the closest relationship is the one we have with each other. You mention parents as an example. Why would my husband need to keep phone calls separate from me his own wife? M husbands parents also upon marriage became my MIL and FIL therefore my family as well so if it affects my husband as his wife and his life partner is will naturally by proxy affect me as well. It would rub me the wrong way that my husband is listening to his ex wife over my feelings the current wife.

And the OP as his wife has every right to expect transparency in her marriage and to not expect to be treated as some outsider within her own marriage. I think if his kids reached out and said something along the lines of, "hey dad once in a while I would like to have a one on one phone call to connect parent to child" that is one thing and entirely acceptable and in the realm of normal but that is a huge leap from saying every phone call needs to be kept hidden from the OP when it's not at the kids request but rather at the ex wife's request. It's about the principle of the whole thing for me. It wouldn't bother me near as much if the request cam directly from his child so he was listening to his own child's request ok fine (although we would still be having conversations about my role) but the fact the ex wife and not his children requested this and he is appeasing his ex wife over his own wife is the problem. IMO that sets a bad precedent for the future. If he caves and lets his ex wife walk all over him and call the shot now what else will he cave and give into for her? Sounds like OP's husband needs to grow a bit of a backbone.

They are married you guys are weird about having conversations with your own spouse. Of course no matter what the issue is this person is still your spouse and you always reserve the right with your own spouse to bring up any topic you want to with them. If you ever feel uncomfortable to do so then you probably married the wrong person. This isn't a boss or a colleague or an acquaintance but your life partner the person you made vows to.

Did you get in bed with him while he was married?

Otherwise why not trust him. Who gives a crap what they are talking about.

Umm what is my husband's ex wife stated that every time she talks to my own husband on the phone it needed to be secret from me I would wonder what she was saying untoward that there couldn't be full transparency with his own wife. That's way out of line to tell anyone that all phone calls must be kept hidden from someone's own spouse let alone an ex. I would think she still fancied him bc in my book if everything is on the up and up no need for things to be hidden, right? To be fair though I will say I would blame my husband who owes me his loyalty as his wife for putting his ex wife s wishes above mine and not immediately laughing in her face at such a ridiculous request and actually obliging to her request.

"Why not trust him"?

Because:

EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 12:50
He had slept with her while we were together a number of times and I forgave him but had asked him for transparency when communicating with her etc. so I didn’t understand why he had to leave the house to speak to his children.

Really!
And you're still with him, Why?

That’s one hell of a plot twist.

I don’t know why you would trust this man one bit. What’s the long term plan here because if they do it once they will do it again ….

I think you’ve got bigger issues than their phone conversations. It’s not feasible to expect him not to have contact with his ex-wife and not to see here because of the children . Do you really want to spend your life monitoring his phone calls and whereabouts. That sounds awful.

I mean we can't ignore the blatant obvious red flag that he is appeasing the wishes of his ex wife over the wishes of his current wife. It's one thing if his children asked for phone calls to be private to of course appease that wish but the OP and subsequent posts read as if he is doing this for his ex wife rather than his children. If this is my husband this is a key factor in deciding how I feel about this. If this is coming directly from his children ok. If its coming from his ex wife and he is listening to her then not ok.