Secret phone calls…

[EmpressTrinTrin]

Dp of 4 years was married to his ex wife for 10 years. They have children. 2 girls. I usually don’t interfere in their co-parenting business, I let them do that in peace but recently the ex-wife asked dp that when making phone calls to his children, I should not be around and so he complied and whenever he has to make phone calls to his children he leaves the house to do so. So obviously I am now thinking what is it that they will talk about that I can’t hear because she is always in the background and will sometimes find ways to involve herself in the conversations between dp and his children. AIBU by asking DP why he has to leave when he must communicate with his children and the request of his ex-wife and should instead make his phone calls where I can also hear what is being said if there are no secrets?

I have thought about leaving. For the sake of my son. He needs an honest father. If he can’t cut the chord then its a terrible place for me to be at. Only reason I have stayed is because my son is still too young and haven’t been able to go back to work so I have nothing, no life to offer my son as Ive been relying on him for some time…

Bigger problems than a phonecall, and as usual it's the bairns that will suffer.

I do think you made a mistake taking him back after you found out he was sleeping with his ex wife (was this before or after you had your baby?!).

Only you know if you’re happy to put up with this in the long term. He does not sound like he’s going to change anytime soon and the worst thing you can do is be with someone that you are always hoping is going to change.

2nd wives and stepmothers tend to get a rough deal here .. but having been both, I have personally experience the games that a jealous and insecure ex can play - it's not pretty, especially when the new husband is being manipulated by guilt. You and more importantly your husband need to set clear boundaries and work as a team.

I'd say it's quite normal to take or receive phonecalls alone. Most people I know would leave the room out of politeness and privacy, both for their caller and the others around who don't want it need to hear the convo.
I guess it's because she said she wanted him to do it. But to get defensive over it makes it seem like you actually do want to eavesdrop a bit. Which isn't really that cool.

Is this man really worth being pined over by both you and his ex? He really doesn’t sound deserving of that in any way.

Get better influences for your DS and be free if this drama.

From her point of view...
She was divorced from the father of her children, but still had feelings for him clearly as she was sleeping with him either when or after you came on the scene.
God knows what line he was spinning her to keep her on side as a fuck buddy when she had married him and had his children... It was never going to be without feelings for her was it.

Then you put a stop to that (rightly from your point of view - but what did that mean to her at the time, did you scupper her reconciliation hopes?)

Now she bad mouths you and he tolerates it.

I can see why she's upset, though she's directing her anger at the wrong person.

The only question is why two women are allowing themselves to be treated like their feelings are irrelevant while he takes his sexual pleasure (not caring about loyalty to either of you, neither of you are respected) and his ego is massaged by being caught in the middle, with both women focused on their rivalry and competition for him and not his terrible morals and boundaries.

Why oh why would you bring children into this.

This post is far too logical. !
Are you not aware of the MN standards ?

I will remind you...
when it comes to men who have children with an ex , and the new partner feels uneasy about ANYTHING .. then the answer must always be that the new partner is controlling/jealous/interfering and of course completely unreasonable. Why on earth would you EXPECT your partner to make telephone calls to his kids in his own home - where you also live. Are you mad

When it comes to an ex wife/partner who is mother to the sainted children , then said mother is equally sainted and can do no wrong , no matter what kind of batshit requirement she has directed her spineless ex to comply with.

So she insults you and he sleeps with her multiple times. Even if they phone with you sitting right there you're always going to be wondering if he's seeing her on the side. The phone calls are the least of your worries

Sorry, that ship's already sailed

Op sadly no he isn’t and he is back to his old ways. .
Just end it and send him back to her . Honestly he’s not worth it

No I hadn’t.

I’ve posted my own update having done so.

Yes it’s all a bad picture op.

You play in mud, you get spattered.

I think the phone calls are the least of your worries.

And why exactly are you keeping him around? Seriously?

Do you think he'll change? Do you think she'll change her ways? Do you believe it's all over between them?

She has the upper hand, she slept with him when he was with you, she dictates that he can't speak to his DC (and probably her) while you are in earshot, there is probably more going on.

He might not still be sleeping with her but I bet there are mixed messages going back and forth between them. I'd be checking his phone TBH. I bet she slags you off to his kids all the time too and tells them she can't be with Daddy because you are - you will become the villain in this story however nice you are. How are they with you?

Thank you all for your responses…

This didnt happen. We argued once when the children were not there. Because I had asked for all of us to be transparent.

I don’t want to regret my son but he is here and I now have to make the right decision to ensure a better future for him despite the turmoil. That is why I was just asking to hear different opinions thats all. Thank you for your opinion and insight. It really makes sense

I thought he would want to change for his son. Since he had acknowledged his mistakes but I am now realizing that he might never change and me and my son will suffer for this.

If he'd divorced his ex-wife and was seeing you, but still sleeping with his ex-wife, then he's hardly Mr Innocent is he?! The fact he's going out the house to supposedly speak to his children, because his ex has demanded it, is plain ridiculous! Unless he told his ex and children you were in the same room, how would they know?! Even if he Facetimed them, you could easily stay out of the cameras way and be in the room or another part of the house, and again unless he told them, how would they know?! It makes no sense to me at all. He could quite easily go into the bedroom to speak to his children, there is absolutely no need to go out the house at all. I'm sorry but I think the reason he goes out the house is to speak to his ex privately, quite possibly before he speaks to his children (if he even does!). The fact he's cheated on you with his ex previously, speaks volumes, as to the secrecy now!

You'll never regret your beautiful boy!
You'll be a wonderful mum and teach him to be a decent man.
People don't develop a moral compass if they don't already have one though. His boundaries will be porous, firm when it suits, slack when it doesn't or he needs comfort/is bored/resents something...
Some people live a lifetime with partners like that... It can be done, but it doesn't make them happy.
Some people make a trade off, the bills get paid and they turn a blind eye.
Life isn't always a bed of roses but if you find yourself in the manure, you either make the best of it, even though it erodes your soul... or you find a way out and seek peace elsewhere.

But, he was doing all this when his other two children were in the picture, living breathing in all their childhood innocence...
He was sleeping with their mum even though he had divorced her ... and sleeping with his new girlfriend at the same time... All while his first darling children relied on him and their mum, he took what he wanted and went where he wanted...
The cost to her (their mum) was irrelevant to him at the time, what if she had struggled to cope with the head fuck off it all, would his children have suffered if she had crumbled... He didn't think about that or care.

His latest child was never going to be his lightbulb moment.

THIS

But what can he say?

DP: Don’t speak about TrinTrin like that
XW: Like what I only said she’s (preferred insult)
DP: Just give it a rest
XW: No, it amuses me

True. I guess there isn’t much he could say to her to make her stop. I just have to get over it