Secret phone calls…

[EmpressTrinTrin]

Dp of 4 years was married to his ex wife for 10 years. They have children. 2 girls. I usually don’t interfere in their co-parenting business, I let them do that in peace but recently the ex-wife asked dp that when making phone calls to his children, I should not be around and so he complied and whenever he has to make phone calls to his children he leaves the house to do so. So obviously I am now thinking what is it that they will talk about that I can’t hear because she is always in the background and will sometimes find ways to involve herself in the conversations between dp and his children. AIBU by asking DP why he has to leave when he must communicate with his children and the request of his ex-wife and should instead make his phone calls where I can also hear what is being said if there are no secrets?

Some of the responses on here are just vile. Do some of you come on here just to make someone who is already struggling feel worse? I know it’s a place where you can voice your opinion but Jesus - have some compassion. @SaltySallyAnne to tell someone they are ‘moaning’ when they are clearly struggling mentally is brutal. She is 7 months post birth - this is a lot to deal with regardless.

Well that puts a slightly different spin on it then.

In my mind phone calls are generally private between the two people speaking. If it’s FaceTime and so on speaker, helpful when talking to eg more than one child at a time, then I absolutely hate when other people stick their oar in and start joining in the conversation so I would take it somewhere private.

That doesn’t mean I’m saying anything I would be unhappy with others hearing, I just feel self conscious on the phone and would rather not have other people milling around in the background while I’m talking to someone. I tend to close my eyes while speaking to focus on the other person so any distractions can make it hard for me to concentrate.

If that distraction were the woman my husband chose over me then of course that would be hard to deal with, so I totally see why she doesn’t want your voice in her house. If she has the DCs in a communal room while phoning their dad she will be able to hear and see the call and doesn’t want you to be part of it.

My ex DP used to FaceTime his kids while sitting next to me on the sofa and his ex would chime in and I just hated the sound of her voice, her pushy attitude and general demeanor so it would put me in a bad mood just hearing her while relaxing on my sofa.

While she’s technically the ex, if he cheated on you with her she sees you as the other woman and doesn’t want to hear you or know you can hear her if she’s supervising her DCs on the phone.

And also this. Get your ducks in a row so that once you feel able to you can leave him. He's an arsehole.

And also this. Get your ducks in a row so that once you feel able to you can leave him. He's an arsehole.

His FATHER could look after him?

You and the ex wife should be joining forces really, he’s playing you both for fools.

Divorces her, still gets sex from her when it suits him. Shacks up with you and gets a baby from you, still having sex with his ex when it suits him.

And he has the two of you fighting over him!! Hopefully he has a job in sales because he must be very charming.

Having a low bar and forgiving him for cheating on you with his ex 'many times' has lead you here. He's probably still doing it now and then, as there were no consequences before.
If you don't respect yourself, no man will either.

So I’ve been on the other side. I’ve been the ex wife and can understand where she is coming from. My ex husband spoke to my badly when the new wife was there, I constantly felt that she was listening in and judging and I ask so felt that it was my conversation with the father of my children is what I wanted.
Personally I feel that you are being unreasonable and this has nothing to do with you.

I feel like there is something we don’t know about here.

I have a good relationship with my husbands ex-wife and their children. Don’t get involved in their co-parenting but I am informed of anything going on that I need to know about.

Have you interfered with anything in the past ? Or has he used you as a scapegoat ?

What is your relationship with her like ?

The conversations he’s having with his kids aren’t any of your business. He’s allowed to have privacy abs conversations you aren’t privy to, even with his ex wife.

what specifically are you concerned he may be speaking about ?

i think I would be throwing this one back, sounds a very unhealthy dynamic to be part of.

OP, let him off.
He's scum.
Focus on reaching out for help to get away from him.

Everything this poster said is correct ^ you are being unreasonable because you don’t respect yourself enough. Only you can change yourself, not us.

That he's cheated on you with her makes this very concerning. He shouldn't be having private conversations with a woman he's cheated with, and his children are old enough to speak to him without her being around.

You have a dp problem, a big one.

Forget the phone calls. Forget the ex wife. New focus needs to be getting a job to support yourself financially and leave him. He not only cheated on you with his ex wife but he tolerates her slagging you off (and even worse is it's clearly in front of the children!) and he bends to her whims. He has you both doing a pick me dance whilst he prances about in the middle playing which ever role he fancies at the time. He is a waste of space

The youngest of kids can use a mobile phone, make your own demands. Why does the ex need to be present for these 'private' phone calls? Stick the phone on speaker phone and ask her to leave the room and supervise from the doorway?? Keeping her mouth shut.
Having already cheated, and still exhibiting cheating habits I would be worried. Either as suggested get an exit plan ready or address it head in. The next time he goes into the bedroom to take a call, follow him and make it obvious you are listening, ask him who is it, . If he says it's someone you know say ok let me say hi. See what he says. Call him out on his behaviour. If it's work etc say put on speaker. When off the phone. make a note of the phone number before he delete s. Watch his behaviour. Don't let him have his cake and eat it just because you feel you can't leave due to circumstances.

Oh this is giving all the wrong vibes. Sorry 😕

thank you for standing up for me. Dealing with this and postpartum hasn’t been easy and I came here for some clarity and i appreciate you and all those who have given their opinions in a positive way, it helps for me to think and then take steps..

Maybe you were being disrespectful to their relationship otherwise why would she judge you. And if talking about the children and nothing else, why be secretive about it.

True and thank you

Never said I want you to change me. Thanks for your input.

Thank you for your input. I understand.

Said her or your narrative?

I don’t have a relationship with her, as she has made it clear that she doesnt want anything to do with me. The children are ok with me being their dad’s new partner and are respectful and ok when they aren’t around their mother. She tells them all sorts of terrible things about me, and also to my partner.

whats there to talk privately about with his ex wife? That he has to leave the house? That was one of my original questions..

I’ve eavesdropped and heard her insulting me.

Why are you eavesdropping?
Maybe that's why she wants to talk privately.