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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Secret phone calls…

133 replies

EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 12:23

Dp of 4 years was married to his ex wife for 10 years. They have children. 2 girls. I usually don’t interfere in their co-parenting business, I let them do that in peace but recently the ex-wife asked dp that when making phone calls to his children, I should not be around and so he complied and whenever he has to make phone calls to his children he leaves the house to do so. So obviously I am now thinking what is it that they will talk about that I can’t hear because she is always in the background and will sometimes find ways to involve herself in the conversations between dp and his children. AIBU by asking DP why he has to leave when he must communicate with his children and the request of his ex-wife and should instead make his phone calls where I can also hear what is being said if there are no secrets?

OP posts:
WomenInConstruction · 14/10/2024 12:59

So he was having sex with you both, until you put your foot down. Hardly Mr Integrity is he. And he doesn't keep conversation about you respectful you say?
What a catch.

lovemetomybones · 14/10/2024 13:00

I am in you position ish. When my partner calls his children it's awkward they are always on speaker phone on the home side no privacy and always loud background noise. I always disappear when he does this, although they care for me, it's their dad they want to talk too. Also in all honesty I find the conversation unpredictable there is on occasion things that are said that I would not accept and he doesn't say anything about it as he has no idea who is listening in.

When they ring home we always give them privacy to speak to their mum, it's a shame that this standard is not reciprocated!

But I would just stay away from it! It makes my life a little less dramaful!

Iusedtobeapenguin · 14/10/2024 13:00

EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 12:50

He had slept with her while we were together a number of times and I forgave him but had asked him for transparency when communicating with her etc. so I didn’t understand why he had to leave the house to speak to his children.

Omg huge drip feed there. Well clearly you are right in not trusting him. The only question is why are you putting up with this shitty behaviour? The whole situation sounds toxic.

Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:00

Yellowbananasarebetterthangreen · 14/10/2024 12:57

Have you got kids with this man op? If not I wouldnt even consider staying with him.

We have a son. 7 months old.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:01

Iusedtobeapenguin · 14/10/2024 13:00

Omg huge drip feed there. Well clearly you are right in not trusting him. The only question is why are you putting up with this shitty behaviour? The whole situation sounds toxic.

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I also don’t know why I put up with it. Sometimes Im thinking about my 7month old baby who needs his dad.

OP posts:
Lifeisarealchallenge · 14/10/2024 13:01

EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 12:55

I had asked and he said its to protect the peace because me and the ex wife tend to fight especially because she still finds ways to insult me and him doing nothing about it.
the reason she requested that is so that she can insult me without me jumping in to save myself.

Show quote history

I'm confused now.
I thought he left the house to talk to his DC but this update reads as though he is actually speaking to her not them.
Considering he was sleeping with both of you at the same time and him complying with this secret communication with her(?) / his DC (?) and that you say he doesn't take your side if she insults you I would think he is far too invested in her and sees her as his primary relationship.

lovemetomybones · 14/10/2024 13:01

Sorry just read the bit about him being with ex- hell no! If that's what happened all phone calls need to be out in the open. Trust can only be built with transparency!

Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:03

lovemetomybones · 14/10/2024 13:00

I am in you position ish. When my partner calls his children it's awkward they are always on speaker phone on the home side no privacy and always loud background noise. I always disappear when he does this, although they care for me, it's their dad they want to talk too. Also in all honesty I find the conversation unpredictable there is on occasion things that are said that I would not accept and he doesn't say anything about it as he has no idea who is listening in.

When they ring home we always give them privacy to speak to their mum, it's a shame that this standard is not reciprocated!

But I would just stay away from it! It makes my life a little less dramaful!

I don’t mind not listening in. Its just that the ex wife still chooses to insult me every chance she gets and I guess I get annoyed at the fact that dp doesnt fight for me at all or at least ask her not to insult me.. but maybe Im asking for too much…

OP posts:
Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:05

Lifeisarealchallenge · 14/10/2024 13:01

I'm confused now.
I thought he left the house to talk to his DC but this update reads as though he is actually speaking to her not them.
Considering he was sleeping with both of you at the same time and him complying with this secret communication with her(?) / his DC (?) and that you say he doesn't take your side if she insults you I would think he is far too invested in her and sees her as his primary relationship.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes he leaves the house to speak to his children but ex wife always makes sure to be in the conversation as well. She sees this as on opportunity to speak to my partner and insult me etc etc

OP posts:
BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 14/10/2024 13:06

Did you hear from her own mouth that this is what she wants or just from him? Sounds an excuse so he can speak to her, not the dc. I like privacy while making calls as well so I can concentrate on what is being discussed, but I don't leave the damn house.

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 13:08

EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:01

I also don’t know why I put up with it. Sometimes Im thinking about my 7month old baby who needs his dad.

Show quote history

But his dad's a lying piece of shit.

Is this who you want your son influenced by?

Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:08

WomenInConstruction · 14/10/2024 12:59

So he was having sex with you both, until you put your foot down. Hardly Mr Integrity is he. And he doesn't keep conversation about you respectful you say?
What a catch.

He lets it happen. He lets her insult me and doesn’t say anything

OP posts:
Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:09

BabyOwlinthePlumeria · 14/10/2024 13:06

Did you hear from her own mouth that this is what she wants or just from him? Sounds an excuse so he can speak to her, not the dc. I like privacy while making calls as well so I can concentrate on what is being discussed, but I don't leave the damn house.

Yes, I have heard her tell him this.

OP posts:
Iusedtobeapenguin · 14/10/2024 13:09

What a horrible situation. Yes of course your son needs his dad, but he can grow up having a relationship with his dad whatever you decide to do now. What your son won't need is growing up watching his mum feeling miserable because she's in a toxic relationship.

Calliopespa · 14/10/2024 13:09

SaltySallyAnne · 14/10/2024 12:28

I’d maybe look inwardly to see why this is bothering you so much. You sound a bit jealous or suspicious over your DH potentially speaking to his ex wife and mother to his children.

I agree. I don’t think you need to be “about” ( ie listening in?) when he calls his children or his ex.
That’s a part of his world that pre-dates you but exists. In short, I wouldn’t want a new partner of my dad’s within earshot. He’s chosen you, but they haven’t and why should they have to feel you might be privy to their conversations with their own dad?

Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:10

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 13:08

But his dad's a lying piece of shit.

Is this who you want your son influenced by?

Show quote history

I guess not. My son needs an honest father.

OP posts:
Dollychopsporkchops · 14/10/2024 13:11

@EmpressTrinTrin don’t listen to people who are telling you to butt out. He is YOUR husband know and you have a right to hear what they’re talking about. Regardless of whether they have kids together. Also you’re not exactly a stranger and you won’t do anything malicious with the information, sensitive or otherwise.

The ex wife is awful for trying to make him keep secrets from you.

Personally, I think he’s still emotionally invested. he’s slept with her multiple times and having secret chats….
I don’t think this will end well

Calliopespa · 14/10/2024 13:12

Calliopespa · 14/10/2024 13:09

I agree. I don’t think you need to be “about” ( ie listening in?) when he calls his children or his ex.
That’s a part of his world that pre-dates you but exists. In short, I wouldn’t want a new partner of my dad’s within earshot. He’s chosen you, but they haven’t and why should they have to feel you might be privy to their conversations with their own dad?

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Ah drip feed! No I don’t think he needs to be alone to talk to ex. The children are a different matter.

The whole thing sounds awful . How did you end up getting so embroiled ?

DoreenonTill8 · 14/10/2024 13:12

Sodthebloodymealplan · 14/10/2024 12:58

Just for clarity, were they separated/divorced when he slept with her a number of times? Or were you actually the OW?

This, were you the other woman/did she know about you when sleeping with him?

Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:13

Calliopespa · 14/10/2024 13:09

I agree. I don’t think you need to be “about” ( ie listening in?) when he calls his children or his ex.
That’s a part of his world that pre-dates you but exists. In short, I wouldn’t want a new partner of my dad’s within earshot. He’s chosen you, but they haven’t and why should they have to feel you might be privy to their conversations with their own dad?

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I understand all that. Like I said i let them co parent peacefully and understand the children need to have conversations with their dad in private, I m not in competition with the children. There is room for him to love all of us. I just don’t understand why he listens to his ex wife who demands that i not be there when he talks to kids knowing very well she budges in those conversations to speak ill of me. Why does he allow that? Thats all I was wondering.. I just wanted transparency..

OP posts:
ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 13:13

EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:10

I guess not. My son needs an honest father.

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Well fuck him off then because he's obviously still shagging her, or at least thinking about it.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your son.

Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:15

DoreenonTill8 · 14/10/2024 13:12

This, were you the other woman/did she know about you when sleeping with him?

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They were divorced

OP posts:
Original poster
EmpressTrinTrin · 14/10/2024 13:15

ShowerOfShites · 14/10/2024 13:13

Well fuck him off then because he's obviously still shagging her, or at least thinking about it.

If you can't do it for you, do it for your son.

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Thank you

OP posts:
Beezknees · 14/10/2024 13:16

It's a weird thing for her to request but then you don't actually need to be there anyway so I wouldn't push it.

Lifeisarealchallenge · 14/10/2024 13:17

Calliopespa · 14/10/2024 13:09

I agree. I don’t think you need to be “about” ( ie listening in?) when he calls his children or his ex.
That’s a part of his world that pre-dates you but exists. In short, I wouldn’t want a new partner of my dad’s within earshot. He’s chosen you, but they haven’t and why should they have to feel you might be privy to their conversations with their own dad?

Show quote history

Have you read OP's updates?

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