To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

Go to the wedding. Have a fun time.

They might have had a room come up free because someone had to decline the invite that they'd earlier offered it to. Wouldn't make sense not to offer the room to a cousin just because they couldn't accommodate all the cousins.

Organising a wedding can be a nightmare. We had difficulty trying to ensure that we found a date that fit Scottish and English school holiday dates, and then it turned out we put some noses out of joint by choosing a date in the most expensive part of the holiday season. You cannot please everyone.

I’m very sorry to say that we can no longer attend your wedding as, after having sent our RSVP, we have been unable to find any affordable accommodation nearby. We hope you have a wonderful day.

This

I doubt they've read as much in to it as you have. There's a lot going on for them to consider. Ask if you can stay there as well if a room comes up?

Sounds like it'll be a very beautiful wedding in a castle in Scotland. And you're going to see family as well. Understand why you feel a bit slighted but you don't need to and I think don't make any decisions while you're cross.

Perfect

Is your main reason for being upset the thought that DH's siblings and siblings-in-law are 'more wanted' - ie that they have been granted special privileges to ensure that they attend?

If this is your main reason, it might be worth thinking about other possible explanations for the way in which they have been treated differently. It could be simply because they asked and you didn't, for example. Or just because of the little bits of randomness and chaos that creep in when a large event is being arranged

Would you feel better if there was an explanation of this sort, one which made you feel less unwanted? Or would you still resent having to shell out for something that another group of people had been given for free?

If you don't feel able to enjoy the trip because of these difficult feelings, then I'd say you were perfectly entitled to politely un-RSVP. But it sounds like it will be a lovely family event that in many ways you would enjoy, provided that you can get the reassurance you need that you haven't been viewed in a hurtful light.

I would just text them.

Is there any accommodation left at the venue? Didn't realise it was open to everyone as the costs are becoming prohibitive. Please let me know as we might not be able to afford the alternatives.

Thanks.

The room offer was included in their wedding invite, so was allocated from the get go

Destination wedding with added guest inconveniences for the convenience of the couple. It'll look great on Instagram.

Decide if it's worth it for the family gathering - they don't happen often and relatives age. But don't overinterpret the details, the couple is probably overwhelmed chasing this destination wedding dream and have put far less thought into what guests think about what they think about them as a result of accommodation choices than you imagine.

How much did you think about what this cousin may or may not have been interpreting when you invited them to your wedding and allocated accommodation, etc.?

We asked last week and were told all rooms were allocated when booking so no other rooms free. Which is fine but to then find out they’ve cherry picked 2 of 4 siblings is a bit shitty

Exactly this and enjoy your time at home

Maybe they think you can afford it, and the other people cannot.

Why not just ask “we are struggling to find any affordable accommodation locally, are there any venue rooms left”

That’s definitely it. For DH he has always felt left out growing up, and since becoming an adult this is the first time this feeling has cropped up again for him, and for me I’m annoyed as I can see how hurt he is. Plus am pissed off about having to go through so much inconvenience for someone who doesn’t really care if we attend or not.

as let’s face is, the rooms are allocated to people they want to ensure come. The fact a step cousin makes the cut is rubbing salt in the wound a bit.

I wouldn't go op, all that money and time could be spent on you all doing something nice as a family and I do think it's shitty to exclude 2/4 siblings from the cheaper rooms, if they had extra after immediate family it should have gone on a first come, first served basis.
However, I'm a bit miserable and anti-social so not neccesarily the best person to advise!

Do you and dh close with other family members? Are there any single rooms? Could you ask if 2 extra bed could be put in any 2 of the rooms for the night of the wedding? Then you’d only have to book elsewhere for another night? Might be bit of reshuffling? Depends on family dynamics but you plus 2 female cousins and dh in with brother and male cousin or something?

They’re definitely not thinking the two invited are struggling, we are all thankfully pretty comfortable (if anything DH and I and the other sibling not allocated a room are the least comfortable as we have kids and mortgages )

we asked last week about the venue rooms and there aren’t any left

I think you'll enjoy it if you go. Shrug off the ego/feelsies and decide to be big about it all. You can take it :)

I would be upset as well but I would follow your DHs lead since it's his family and whilst upset still wants to go.

Are you and your DH close to the sinking getting married? The brother getting married may see the other siblings and step brother more regularly so they are closer.

Presumably there are not sufficient rooms for everyone attending? So some people have to be left out. Unless there are rooms spare and you are being specifically denied them then it’s churlish to decline now. Not everyone can have a room on site. You don’t know how they decided to whom to offer rooms.

This

Yes, it’s a bit shitty and it was reasonable to ask if your DH still wanted to go. He does, so you go. People are close to different people for different reasons and you don’t know how they made their decision. Maybe they were more sure those without children would be able and willing to make it?

If you were expecting to be a bridesmaid at a friend’s wedding and they chose someone you felt they weren’t as close to you, would you just not go? It may not feel nice but it’s their wedding and you were happy to go before.

It's your DH's family, so you should be guided by him. It sounds like he still wants to go. Don't be responsible for driving a wedge between him and his family. There are always difficult issues with space and prioritisation when planning a wedding. It's not great that you're not top of the pecking order, but there's no justification in adding fuel to the fire.

Is it possible they allocated rooms based on who they thought would attend, and thought perhaps you'd RSVP no because of childcare?

Don't go. You'll be resentful. Send the message that everyone is suggesting.

But should they not have given any rooms to that sibling set because they couldn't give all the siblings rooms? I have a LOT of cousins most weddings our whole family aren't invited just the cousins who are closer.

Is it possible the bride/ groom is closer to those cousins and does want to ensure they come. But also likes your DH (to a lesser degree) and wants him to come so invited him?

I know I have cousins who I get on great with and others who I do like but just don't know as well