To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

Screw keeping the peace. Don't allow people who treat you badly, to have the opportunity to do that. Save your money on something worth it.

Ok so the brother and stepsister are half-siblings and your DH and the brother are also half-siblings? The stepsister is only your DH and sister's stepsister. She's an actual sibling of the brother who has been invited.

I'm guessing the younger siblings and this cousin are closer in age/grew up together and that's why they have a closer relationship.

I think you need to stay out of it. This is your DH's family and if he wants to still go you should still go. What about all the old folk who might be dead next year you said where a reason to go? They still might be dead next year.

If you enjoy being treated like shit, then follow this OP's great advice and go.

They’ve been very tactless but it would be a shame to miss what sounds like a lovely event. They wouldn’t have invited you if they didn’t want you there.

Decline now, explain there is no accommodation available for you that is an affordable price, you had accepted assuming there would be.

Spot on, and very close to the truth.

You kind of said a big reason for going was to see elderly relatives - so I guess you need to decide if its worth the expense to see them - but yes I can imagine it stings.

On a relate theme I don’t give a present if the wedding costs me a fortune! Being there is the present!

I’d be a bit hurt too op. I wouldn’t go. It’s a lot of money, time, etc for a party where the hosts arent really bothered if you are there or not. Just politely decline. Least you know where you stand I suppose.

The other sibling isn’t going, I’d send the cost of accomodation message someone drafted, and just forget about it. Better than paying all that and resenting it. Catch up with your dhs other sibling that weekend perhaps?

Agreed. I wouldn't be going. Use PP's message above about accommodation.

Well no shit Sherlock that’s the issue

A great piece of advice I once received was 'where you have a choice between guilt and resentment, choose guilt' and it has served me well many times. It sounds like attending is going to make you feel resentful, in which case- and your partner agrees, don't go.

And this is likely why they didn’t allocate your dh and sibling rooms - they expected you were less likely to attend due to childcare, in that case they were correct.

Go to spend time with the family, enjoy a child free holiday and see a beautiful part of the country. Or don’t go and be salty about it.

Nope. My DH and his older sibling are full cousins and full siblings. FIL married another woman with a daughter and had his younger brother. So they’re only inviting to stay the children from FILs current marriage (even if one isn’t his)

Well sure, but then you're basically just stamping your foot and saying "I won't come because I'm not your favorite and I didn't get the room I wanted". If you're OK with that then fine, don't go.

Sounds like a lovely weekend to me though.

If they hadn't offered the room to them you'd still be going because you want to.

If you want to go go! Or dont. ...up to you

personally 3 days off work would do it for me especially as you can’t even stay up due to your DD. I would politely decline.

Not everyone can stay at the venue. You haven't been chosen, doesn't mean they don't want you there!

Probably didn't invite you, down to the kids and you possibly not coming without them. Or it could simply be that they are more friendly with the other couples.

Either way I don't think you should throw your toys out of the pram.

Go and enjoy a lovely wedding and some time away with your husband.

@SaltySallyAnne But clearly that’s why you’re unreasonable. Don’t go - doubt they’ll miss you with your attitude.

Is FIL stumping up cash for the wedding?

This sounds rough OP. I would be annoyed / upset on DHs behalf too were we in a similar position.

I think the only thing left to consider might be how DH would feel if you didn’t go. He feels hurt now, but would he perhaps feel even more left out down the line when others start posting pics from the wedding / talking about what a great time everybody had?

Maybe that’s what you need to talk about together. If you decide to go, then use it as an opportunity to spend time with those attending DH is closest to and enjoy the beautiful surroundings.

If you decide you don’t want to go then I think that is totally reasonable. If you’ve already booked the time off / set the budget aside then you could always organise a getaway for you, DH & DD with the time and funds instead as other PPs suggest.

Thank you as this was out next concern as they want money, but it’s costing a lot already

For his nephew? No

I wouldn't bother tbh.