To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

I’m confused as to how your Aunt is going to drop DD off at school if it’s the school holidays 🤷🏻‍♀️

Really? This made sense when you tried it and clicked post?

In the same circs, knowing I was a B list guest, I wouldn't spend that money & energy on going.

FWIW I think anyone booking a wedding 100s of miles from home with 100s of £££ worth of travel and accommodation, has to expect some people just can’t go.

It would only be FIL, and he is very much a ‘keep out of it’ bloke. Which is fair enough.

But four into two simply doesn’t go. Would it have been better to leave those two rooms empty out of “fairness”?

Maybe they should have just said to everyone “Two rooms available - first come, first served”. But perhaps your husband’s siblings asked.

In my case my parents would share the cost with me so all siblings pay the same.

Can husband and other sibling go together without partners and parents share costs? So each family member pays the same?

If there aren't enough rooms, there aren't enough rooms. Who is stirring things up by telling you that they got offered a room?

Yes, perfect sense, thanks

They run a club in the hols at the school. She works so will be WFH at our house to look after her in the mornings and evenings

in our family we would all share the costs in this scenario - would the siblings who’ve been lucky to get allocated the on site rooms pool the costs with your and the 4th sibling’s costs and all pay the average??
( if it had been first come first served this may be different! )

Wouldn’t it have been worse to exclude the step cousin on the basis they were not blood family? They have to draw the line somewhere.. are they supposed to invite people they wanted to be there less than your DH’s siblings because your DH would feel left out? They cannot magic up another room!

It does sound like too much effort to go to for a person you’re not that arsed about (I suspect that’s another reason they didn’t offer you the room) so just don’t go. Tell them why if you want to. I don’t imagine they’ll be too bothered .

What does the other sibling who's been left out think?

I don't blame you for feeling the way you do

Who said we aren’t arsed about them?

They’re refusing to go. Although they refused after seeing it was no kids as they can’t get childcare. So didn’t even get to the point of finding out about the room situation

I wouldn't go because honestly I think people who have destination weddings (which this is, since it's far and no connection to the place) are selfish horrors anyway. Possibly an unpopular opinion as I know being considerate and caring about the people you supposedly care about has fallen out of fashion in favour of 'It's your day!'

(If I could afford it) I think I’d go for the sake of seeing elderly relatives. The last time I saw my grandpa before he passed was at a cousins wedding.

If you can afford it, then go along. Forget the situation with the on site rooms. There was a finite number and you were out of luck. But that shouldn't spoil the experience.
It's their wedding, and they can't make every guest perfectly happy sadly. It sounds like a bit of a trek/adventure but why not embrace it?
If it really is too much of a stretch financially then by all means explain that and decline. Don't totally skint yourselves over it, but equally it might be a laugh.

Maybe if they are closer to the other cousins, they have been chatting previously about arrangements and it came up in convo so they are honouring that.

I definitely have cousins I am closer to (from growing up) and am in regular contact with - we are good mates as well as cousins. I have had meet-ups with them without siblings and actually, one sibling did get miffed at that - like we'd left them out. But they don't have the same relationship, so what can you do?

I like all my cousins, even the ones I don't see so much, so perhaps reframe it in your mind. They invited you because they want you there. So go - or don't go, but if you do go, go with good grace and because you want to celebrate with the couple and family.

It sounds like them having no connection to this far flung place (how dare they!), saying no kids and you having to travel has put your back up from the get-go, so decide if those obstacles are insurmountable first.

Heck...just for a cousin? I wouldn't have considered going, given the organisation etc of childcare, (precious) days off work, cost of accommodation, travel costs, outfits, gift...let alone finding out that other equal family members to me had been offered rooms at the venue.

A PP on the first page provided a perfect 'get out' clause. I would use that.

There isn't enough rooms to go around so someone was always going to miss out, unfortunately it was you. Maybe they pulled names out a hat, maybe they felt closer to the other siblings, you have no idea on their selection process and really does it matter?

However it was done, nothing has changed for you, it is not as if they offered you the accommodation and then withdrew it, stop looking for offense when there probably wasn't any. It would be churlish to make a thing of it.

If I were you, I'd still go, but probably try to reduce further expenditure (not going overboard on any wedding gift, use existing outfits rather than buy anything new to wear).

It's thoughtless and annoying but if you don't go you will miss out on the family get together and possibly create a rift in the family. How would you explain your change in RSVP at this point without lying or explaining that you're annoyed not to be allocated accommodation?

And I would have done this as well.

My YABU was because you're changing your mind because of the room.

Tbh there no need to go back and forth on mumsnet, speak to your DH and if you both agree cancel your RSVP, you have lots of reasons and move on.

I personally would feel the same as you, and wonder how much your dh is conditioner to not make a fuss.
You mentioned he struggles with feeling left out growing up where pressure may have been out on him to gloss over it, not make a fuss, ignore his own feelings as they were never validated.

Given how you're feeling now I think it will be hard to go closer to the time. It will be more expensive to pull out then, better to do it now and get refunds on accomodation already booked.

Not going because you didn’t get cheaper accommodation at the venue seems wrong. As someone said were they supposed to leave rooms unused because there weren’t 4? Not giving you one doesn’t mean they didn’t care if you came or not. They wouldn’t have asked you if they didn’t want you. They just gave the rooms to the two who they saw most. Is the other cousin not getting one as miffed as you or do they just accept these things happen with weddings? By making such a big deal of it it will make your husband feel worse. If you hadn’t already accepted it would be ok but not once you had. Go enjoy the time away from the wedding it’s beautiful country