To un-RSVP to this wedding?

[SaltySallyAnne]

Not sure if I’m being a bit dramatic or entitled to feel a bit put out

context -
We have been invited to DHs cousins wedding. It’s in a remote area of Scotland and on a Thursday. To attend we need to take 3 days off work and it’s child free so will need to leave DD at home and my aunt is coming to look after her and drop off at school etc.

The bride and Groom have no family that way and are all southerners so travel is quite a lot for everyone. (Grooms family is Devon based)

Due to the remote location and being in an area of outstanding beauty hotels within an hour radius of the wedding venue are expensive. The cheapest we have seen is £250 a night (for a B&B over a pub…)

Now, although it’s annoying having to take so much time off work, and the hotel costs, we RSVP’d yes as we can just about afford the hotel and it’s a family wedding, doesn’t happen every day etc. plus there are some family members that are relatively old and it might be the last big family celebration they make it to.

Now onto the AIBU.

The wedding venue is a castle type location, and in the grounds there is accommodation as part of the wedding package. 50 rooms. The cost to guests is only £120 for the 2 nights needed (night before and night of the wedding) FIL and his wife were given a room, which we expected since aunt and uncle are immediate family.

However we have just found out that they have also offered one of these rooms to DHs brother and his wife, in addition to his step sister and her boyfriend.

This has rubbed DH and I up the wrong way, we had assumed on site accommodation was for immediate family and cousins were a bit far removed. But to find out one of DHs brothers and his step sister were given one is a bit shit. (All siblings are adults, in well paid jobs so it’s not due to that)

In my view they have decided who in their families they want to ensure attend the wedding, by offering cheaper lodging and (as I’ve found out yesterday) putting on transport for guests staying on site. I begrudge paying over £500, taking 3 days off work and leaving DD for 3 days to go to the wedding of someone who clearly isn’t too concerned about us attending.

DH is annoyed and a bit hurt, but says since we have already said we are going and were fine with all the inconveniences until finding out about his step sister and brother being offered a room, it’s a bit unreasonable to now back out. (The wedding is over the Easter half term next year, so I think that’s still plenty of notice)

AIBU to not go purely because of who they allocated on site lodgings to?

Yeah I wouldn’t be going. Hopefully they are prepared for a lot of people to decline if they’ve booked it so far from where both families live, on a week day and banned children from attending. What a joke!

You're massively overthinking it. I doubt they did this deliberately -- there are probably a million and one other things that are on their mind. You wanted to go before this, so go. Besides it's really your husband's decision.

This far out, it is fine to
change your rsvp. Just send a note saying that travel arrangements are proving to be difficult and you wish them well. Then when the time comes, do send a gift and personal card.

it should be your Dh’s decision. As much as you have feelings about the situation, his feelings are really the only ones that matter for this scenario.

I'm not close to cousins but I wouldn't spend £500 on going to a wedding, or go away for 3 days without DD anyway.

My brother got married recently and we were informed everyone was staying at the hotel they'd chosen as a venue, including us. My Mum then told me that SIL had said everyone was expected to pay £250 for their room. I said I'd been told nothing of the sort and would cross that bridge if I came to it, and she decided to raise it with my SIL for some reason. I don't know what SIL would have said but my brother jumped in to say he'd already paid for our room. Neither me nor him would ever dream of paying £250 a night to stay somewhere under normal circumstances, so whilst he was happy for his bride to have the venue of her dreams, he didn't expect us to cover the cost of it.

Scottish weddings are amazing and a castle wow. However if you don't want to go just let them know. Abit rude to accept the down it down but explain the cost. Yabu about the rooms. Maybe they asked or maybe their closer to them. Go to the wedding of your want or turn it down and apologize for accepting the invitation.

Do you think they assumed you wouldn't be able to come due to childcare and that's why they didn't offer you a room? Rather than they didn't care about you coming or not?

Personally I'd be annoyed, but is it worth cutting your nose off to spite your face, as it sounds like it could be a fun wedding.

Ah OP I totally get you and being completely honest I would cancel the trip in your position. You don’t spend this amount of money yo witness someone’s special day if they basically consider you B-list family.

Perfect

Why is your kid at school in the Easter holidays?

Sorry totally pointless I know. I'm a Saddo.

Would it be possible for your DH to share his Dad's room, if he will be on his own? You can then stay at home with your DC and your DH can go to the wedding he wants to attend.

But maybe they have a better relationship with your DHs siblings? You’ve just blasted them on the internet because you feel you should be entitled to the same rooms as some other guests, if this is the general impression they get from you then possibly you weren’t top of the list for wedding accommodation.

Theres a heck of a lot of detail on this post btw…

Cross posted.

@SaltySallyAnne You can't "un-RSVP" : RSVP simply means "reply".
What you are proposing is to change your positive reply to a negative one........ which you are perfectly entitled to do six months before the wedding, if you think it's all going to be too complicated / expensive. But do it asap..... Poeple who change their mind at the last minute are unreasonable.

I wouldn’t go. I’d send the message a PP suggested about there being no affordable accommodation. I have to say, I’m always surprised by how greedy / thoughtless some couples are when choosing lovely venues for themselves but without any thought for the people attending. We’d never have planned a wedding at a venue which required guests to have to take several days off work, have lengthy travel, find childcare or fork out for expensive hotels.

You can see relatives without spending £500. It's sad when people only see older relatives at weddings or Christmas.

I chose my wedding venue because I loved it. It happened to have rooms. But not enough for everyone. So I had to choose. A variety of factors went into the choice, and I consulted both sets of parents/in-laws about who they felt from their families should be included. My husband's family is much larger than mine, but I had more people coming from overseas with much bigger costs. My wedding has children, including own to factor in also. And I felt very bad about those people whom I would have loved to offer a room to but couldn't. They all still attended. it's absolutely not the case that I wanted some people at the wedding more than others (in the case of sibling cousins especially - obviously was more concerned with our parents/siblings). I understand how you may feel, but I honestly wouldn't read any 'rejection' into this. Trying to keep all your guests happy isn't easy.

Weddings are a huge palaver.

There are generally always A list and B list guests.

This becomes an issue when someone who thinks they should be on the A list, finds out they are on the B list.

Do you think you should be on the A list? What about the 4th sibling who was left out?

Thats the first part of the problem.

The second part is the faff and expense involved. You've said yourself if it was local it wouldn't be an issue.

Somebody above said that they would enjoy it so they would go.

I admire the spirit of these people.

I am more like you in that if I feel I have been slighted, I would be inclined not to go.

But it is probably better to me like the other poster, who would just go and have a great time.

Again, me personally, I find weddings long, tedious, boring, uncomfortable. I probably would not take 3 days out of my life to go to this.

But in this situation, it's your husbands family, so you have to take his lead.

eh when I’m paying for it, it’s also my decision.

Mumsnet is mental. Op perhaps they are just closer to or simply prefer the other siblings. Not the end of the world, everyone can't be everyone's favorite. They like you enough to invite you, they want you there. They'll feed and water you. You'll get to enjoy a bit of the beautiful Scottish countryside. Go if you want to, don't if you don't. You're not automatically entitled to anything in life.

Is your DH still planning to go?

Maybe they assumed the siblings with kids wouldn’t come, so allocated the childless couples rooms at the venue?

Your husband and his brother / brother in law could go alone and share the cost.

Sounds like they had to fill the accom as part of the package and picked people they felt guaranteed to come, hence the other sibling not coming not being offered. They probably didn’t think you and DH would go, however that doesn’t mean they aren’t pleased that you are going

This is the most likely explanation

I wouldn’t go. To be honest, having it so far away from where all their guests live, it costing so much, having it midweek, and inviting lots of people with kids but making it a child free wedding, are all reasons why they should expect a shit turn out.