Fathers surname - AIBU

[NC566]

Name change for this one.

I'm pregnant and due in a couple of months.
Father of the child has long-standing drink and drug issues (cocaine). This was kept hidden from me at the beginning of the relationship. By the time I found out, I was already in too deep. Had tried to walk away many times but hadn't been able to. Have tried to help and believed too many times that he could change. He was very neglected as a child and I have a lot of sympathy for his upbringing.

However, now that I'm pregnant, my maternal instincts are overriding any empathy I have for him and his situation. I have ended the relationship and have made it clear that he is to get clean and I want a clean drugs test provided before the baby is born. So far, he has not achieved this.

Due to the relationship breaking down, we'd agreed to double barrel the surname. I have now gone back on this and have said I will only double barrel the surname if he is clean by the time the baby is born, otherwise the baby will be having my surname only.

It's really affecting him but I'm determined to stand my ground with it.

AIBU?
Is it fair to double barrel the surname regardless, as he is baby's father?

Just give the baby your name whether he's clean or not. Please keep your child away from an addict.

Even without the drug issues, the baby would be taking my surname.

You can't bargain with an addict. You'll not win.

Stay away from him. Give the baby your surname. Good luck (you'll need it, sadly).

The baby will have my surname, having his surname only is not an option. It's either my surname only or double barrel it.

Your name. And don't put him on the birth certificate - that would be the usual MN advice.

Could you give the baby his surname as a middle name (ie no hyphen), that way it’s in there but doesn’t have to be used.

I've found it quite hard not having the same surname as my DD. Since you're obviously going to be the main, or only, carer for your child (congrats by the way!) then I think I'd certainly use your surname.

I do know a few people who had the other parents surname as a middle name, and I'd always advise that as an option over double-barrelling.

I don't think that would satisfy him. He's really hurt that, as it stands, baby won't be having his surname. I don't think middle name would cut it. I've already chosen first and middle name for the baby which, again, he's not happy with, but I believe it's my choice after everything he's put me through and the fact that I'll be raising the baby. It's all about the surname now.

To be honest you need to not dangle this over him to try to get him clean.

A drugs test is clear of cocaine within 72 hours so that's not much guarantee of anything.

Just give the child your surname and let him come to terms with that now. You can always add his on in the future if he steps up to the plate and is a consistent parent.

Your surname. And keep your baby a million miles away from the junkie.

I'll feel the same. I want the baby to have my surname. I also feel that, on a practical level, the baby needs my surname as will be raised in my home. However, if he actually manages to do the hard work to get clean, I think it would be fair to give him that (as much as I really don't like the idea of double barrelling).

I believe hair strand test is 90 days.. which, tbh, we don't even have that long left now.

That's true I suppose, although he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname.

I think it's totally wrong to not put the father on the birth certificate, whatever the father is, he is the child's father and that is part of the child's birth information.

The only way a child should have a blank space under father on their birth certificate is if you don't know who their father is.

No tbh, at this stage, I don't feel comfortable having him on the BC. If he doesn't get clean, I am giving control of my child to a drug addict. That isn't okay.

The issue right now solely revolves around the surname and doing what is fair in that respect.

There's plenty of posts on MN to show why it's a good idea to leave the dad off the BC in some cases. It can leave the mum and child far more vulnerable.

And tough if all this makes him sad. Him not getting clean must make you more than sad, OP.

I've felt every emotion under the sun with it in the time we've been together.
I won't let him make my child feel those things too.

Give your surname only.

Your surname only. My DD has been dads name as a middle name & I regret it! He is barely bothered & now doesn't even talk to her (now 15). DD is considering taking my new husband's surname instead but waiting til 16 to make the change - her choice though

He sounds very childish if what will 'satisfy' him is the child having his surname. Surely he should be more concerned with being healthy and able to support himself financially. At the very least.

I wouldn't necessarily trust he'd pay 50/50 for the kid until their 18th birthday so I'd say using your own name is just fine. You're not married to him (thank god!)

I would always choose to name the child my own last name. Partly as I have no siblings or male relatives that carry the name.

And are you going to trust whatever test he produces!?

He either bonds with the baby or he doesn't, that's just emotional blackmail.

In terms of the birth certificate it's as simple as you register the baby alone. Probably easier anyway if he disagrees on name.

Give him a clear contact schedule from the start, at the very least 4 1-2 hour slots a week he can be there and keep a record if he makes them or not and what state he is in and build it up from there.

Good luck! I'd do as others have said and protect your baby - your surname only

That's true I suppose, although he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname.
this would decide it for me- it’s such a selfish petty jerk comment with no responsibility for the actual human being that is his baby, to me his surname is now off the table. Whether he bonds with the baby is up to him and the effort he puts in, baby has no fucking clue if their name is Hepworth-sprinkelnudl or just Hepworth. That just shows the level of petty excuse and I’m such a victim it’s not my fault I’m a shit dad that he’s going to come up with. I don’t have the same surname as my dc, and have bonded with them just fine.

However, if he actually manages to do the hard work to get clean, I think it would be fair to give him that (as much as I really don't like the idea of double barrelling).

If he actually managed to get and stay clean then he'll be in a position to go to court to get his name added.
Why make it easy for him? If he wants it he can do all the hard work to get it, even if it takes years.

Give the child your surname. He may stay off drugs for a few days to get a negative result and then go back on them. It'll save you hassle in the long run re passports etc ..

Completely agree with this. If he shows up and is a good parent you can come to an agreement even without court and add all this later on.
However if he doesn't, then you haven't got to spend 18 years asking him about decisions and writing his name down