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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fathers surname - AIBU

169 replies

NC566 · 14/10/2024 00:05

Name change for this one.

I'm pregnant and due in a couple of months.
Father of the child has long-standing drink and drug issues (cocaine). This was kept hidden from me at the beginning of the relationship. By the time I found out, I was already in too deep. Had tried to walk away many times but hadn't been able to. Have tried to help and believed too many times that he could change. He was very neglected as a child and I have a lot of sympathy for his upbringing.

However, now that I'm pregnant, my maternal instincts are overriding any empathy I have for him and his situation. I have ended the relationship and have made it clear that he is to get clean and I want a clean drugs test provided before the baby is born. So far, he has not achieved this.

Due to the relationship breaking down, we'd agreed to double barrel the surname. I have now gone back on this and have said I will only double barrel the surname if he is clean by the time the baby is born, otherwise the baby will be having my surname only.

It's really affecting him but I'm determined to stand my ground with it.

AIBU?
Is it fair to double barrel the surname regardless, as he is baby's father?

OP posts:
Emmz1510 · 17/10/2024 09:37

Zahariel · 17/10/2024 09:19

You're not more important than the father - whatever his problems are - double barelling the surname is the only fair and ethical thing to do - I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?

What an idiotic response.

CaptainMyCaptain · 17/10/2024 09:43

Naunet · 17/10/2024 08:44

It's and old, antiquated rule

But it’s not! The tradition is the baby gets the mothers last name, it’s just that historically most mothers were married and so had taken her husbands name. It’s never been a rule that unmarried fathers have their last name used, it’s a very new trend.

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Yes and unless he goes with you to register the birth you can't give the baby the father's name if you aren't married.

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 09:45

Whatamitodonow · 17/10/2024 08:35

With regards to the BC.

if he’s the child’s father he can get a DNA test and apply to be put on. If he does that you don’t have a choice, he will get PR.

have you told your m/w? I’d get ahead of this and tell her everything so down the line if he does start taking steps to get contact with the child it’s recorded he’s an addict and unsafe around the child.

fwiw I don’t have the same name as my children and we bonded just fine. I don’t actually see it as a big deal, there are positives to it and I actually like having a different name.

This. Get it on record that he is potentially unsafe around the child. Also save anything where he’s admitted to heavy drug use/drinking.

peppermintteacup · 17/10/2024 09:45

The baby should have only your surname.

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 09:46

CaptainMyCaptain · 17/10/2024 09:43

Yes and unless he goes with you to register the birth you can't give the baby the father's name if you aren't married.

Show quote history

Yes you can

lololulu · 17/10/2024 09:46

It’s never been a rule that unmarried fathers have their last name used, it’s a very new trend.

  • how new?
Naunet · 17/10/2024 09:47

Fabrador · 17/10/2024 09:36

Because men have women who champion for their ‘rights’ but women don’t have the same group of hand…bachelors? 🤔

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😆 I like the sound of a hand bachelors

DinosaurMunch · 17/10/2024 09:48

Zahariel · 17/10/2024 09:19

You're not more important than the father - whatever his problems are - double barelling the surname is the only fair and ethical thing to do - I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?

Unmarried mothers do have this veto. Only they can register the child and choose the name

Threelittleduck · 17/10/2024 09:49

At the moment you don't know if your ex will ever get clean. You, quite rightly don't want him spending time with your child if he's on drugs and you also aren't planning on having him on the birth certificate.
So if he never sees your child and isn't on the certificate why would you give the baby his surname? That just seems crazy.
And ignore the emotional blackmail about not being able to bond with his child if it doesn't have his surname. He's being a twat
Two of my children have my surname and the other has DHs. We both managed to bond with all our children

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 09:49

Zahariel · 17/10/2024 09:19

You're not more important than the father - whatever his problems are - double barelling the surname is the only fair and ethical thing to do - I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?

Her views are more important because she’ll be the main carer, the person who is able to care for the child because she doesn’t have a substance use problem that makes her unreliable and unsafe around the child. by the nature of his addiction, he is not a stable person.

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 09:50

Has this thread been infiltrated by MRAs who somehow missed the point of an active addiction to a class A drug on the father’s side? Or they just don’t care??

CaptainMyCaptain · 17/10/2024 09:55

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 09:46

Yes you can

Show quote history

It appears to have changed in 2006 - long after my time - but still not straightforward and requires paperwork.

I was in a somewhat similar situation to the OP and was persuaded to use his name. We arranged to meet up at the Register office but he didn't turn up and I went in on my own. I was told I couldn't put him on the BC unless he was present so I went ahead - dodged a bullet there. It didn't stop him taking me to court for access 5 years later (when he came out of prison) fortunately he was denied it and we never heard from him again. I got Legal Aid and my barrister put forward all the many reasons why he was unsuitable.

The OP is doing the right thing to protect her child from this man.

peppermintteacup · 17/10/2024 09:56

Codlingmoths · 14/10/2024 00:57

That's true I suppose, although he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname.
this would decide it for me- it’s such a selfish petty jerk comment with no responsibility for the actual human being that is his baby, to me his surname is now off the table. Whether he bonds with the baby is up to him and the effort he puts in, baby has no fucking clue if their name is Hepworth-sprinkelnudl or just Hepworth. That just shows the level of petty excuse and I’m such a victim it’s not my fault I’m a shit dad that he’s going to come up with. I don’t have the same surname as my dc, and have bonded with them just fine.

Agree, this is outrageous.

Someone so shallow they can't bond with their own child because it isn't named after them is no parent.

Worse, someone willing to sacrifice their relationship with their own child to get back at the child's mother for a decision regarding their name is so callous against their own child that they will probably be a toxic and damaging influence in their life.

HollyKnight · 17/10/2024 09:57

BellesAndGraces · 17/10/2024 09:22

He can’t give it up, Holly. That makes him an addict. An addict who’s already making excuses for why he can’t bond with his baby. Addicts are all about self preservation and I suspect a functioning addict is not going to want it on the court record that his child’s mother initially denied him PR because he’s an addict.

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Yes, he's an addict. But it still doesn't mean he won't take her to court so he can get PR and access to his child. And he won't be denied it based on being an addict either.

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 09:57

CaptainMyCaptain · 17/10/2024 09:55

It appears to have changed in 2006 - long after my time - but still not straightforward and requires paperwork.

I was in a somewhat similar situation to the OP and was persuaded to use his name. We arranged to meet up at the Register office but he didn't turn up and I went in on my own. I was told I couldn't put him on the BC unless he was present so I went ahead - dodged a bullet there. It didn't stop him taking me to court for access 5 years later (when he came out of prison) fortunately he was denied it and we never heard from him again. I got Legal Aid and my barrister put forward all the many reasons why he was unsuitable.

The OP is doing the right thing to protect her child from this man.

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My apologies!

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/10/2024 09:58

NC566 · 14/10/2024 00:19

I'll feel the same. I want the baby to have my surname. I also feel that, on a practical level, the baby needs my surname as will be raised in my home. However, if he actually manages to do the hard work to get clean, I think it would be fair to give him that (as much as I really don't like the idea of double barrelling).

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This isn’t about him . This is about the baby. The bay trumps him!
He hasn’t changed and he won’t .

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 09:59

HollyKnight · 17/10/2024 09:57

Yes, he's an addict. But it still doesn't mean he won't take her to court so he can get PR and access to his child. And he won't be denied it based on being an addict either.

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Let him do it then.
have you ever been around someone who uses cocaine habitually? Would you want them around your v small child?

HollyKnight · 17/10/2024 10:01

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 09:59

Let him do it then.
have you ever been around someone who uses cocaine habitually? Would you want them around your v small child?

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🙄I'm responding to someone who says addicts don't go to court for PR.

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/10/2024 10:02

foodforclouds · 17/10/2024 09:46

Yes you can

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No you can’t .

HollyKnight · 17/10/2024 10:02

And no I wouldn't want them around my small child. But I also wouldn't chose to be in a relationship with an addict let alone have a child with them.

HollyKnight · 17/10/2024 10:04

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/10/2024 10:02

No you can’t .

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Of course you can. You can give your baby any name you want (within reason).

Imbusytodaysorry · 17/10/2024 10:13

That true I mis read .she can have his name but he won’t be on the birth certificate . Pretty silly

HollyLollyMollyJolly · 17/10/2024 10:14

Whatamitodonow · 17/10/2024 09:16

I’m a woman.

i feel it maintains my identity. I’m still me. My name reflects my heritage and my family. I don’t want be seen as “a wife” and “a mum”, I want to be me. I don’t want my identity to be absorbed into a family unit.

i think it’s a good example for my girls that a woman can be a person in her own right and have wants, needs and goal other than to get married and have babies, and be “mrs x”, or “suzie’s mum”. I don’t like the “proud to be MRS” narrative- especially when that doesn’t apply to men. They don’t have to demonstrate their love and commitment by changing their name.

i don’t see why I should be absorbed into his family. mrs. X- is dh’s mum. Not me.

i did some work for an elderly relative recently on her family as he needed it to get some graves cleaned. The male line was easy- but women tended to get lost on marriage. I’d need the marriage cert to find the death cert and if I didn’t know the husbands name she was lost.

it’s been a lot easier with documentation. I don’t need to produce a marriage certificate for jobs, passports and god knows what else to show my change of name- it feels like I would have to prove the person I am now is the person I was then. I have not become a different person because I married/had kids.

it also has the benefit that it’s DH that gets added to all the social media groups for school, clubs etc as they can’t find me. So he is the default, not me.

it’s not as if people don’t still recognise me as the kids mum. I will always have that identity, regardless of names.

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Oh no I think we're talking about different things. I agree with not taking your husband's name. What I mean (and thought you meant) is that you specifically don't want your kids to have your name.

I think kids shouldn't just take the dad's name automatically because it took two people to make them, so a double-barrelled name or one that's been joined with both mum and dad's names together to form one name or a completely different one chosen by both parents.

It seems you mean you're okay with kids having dad's name but not having yours which I don't think is fair to women (but some don't mind). Kids should have both parents names but if there should be a choice between one or the other, it should be the mum's name seeing as she carried and birthed them (and in many cases, have to do the bigger work of raising them).

If that's not what you meant then fair enough but that's why I was curious. I agree with your post about your own identity as a separate issue.

DeireadhFomhair · 17/10/2024 10:20

I believe hair strand test is 90 days.. which, tbh, we don't even have that long left now.
And what happens when he relapses on day 91? All because it's only to prove a point, not because he actually wants to get & stay clean.

... although he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname
This is emotional blackmail and bullshit!! If he can't bond with the baby it's because he is putting drugs ahead of his child, not because of a name.

I see you've reached a decision now, please stick with it. And best of luck, your baby is very lucky to have you 💐 💓 💙

BCSurvivor · 17/10/2024 10:23

OP, if you're not going to name the baby's father on the birth certificate I don't know why you'd even consider double barrelling the surname.
Your surname only.