Fathers surname - AIBU

[NC566]

Name change for this one.

I'm pregnant and due in a couple of months.
Father of the child has long-standing drink and drug issues (cocaine). This was kept hidden from me at the beginning of the relationship. By the time I found out, I was already in too deep. Had tried to walk away many times but hadn't been able to. Have tried to help and believed too many times that he could change. He was very neglected as a child and I have a lot of sympathy for his upbringing.

However, now that I'm pregnant, my maternal instincts are overriding any empathy I have for him and his situation. I have ended the relationship and have made it clear that he is to get clean and I want a clean drugs test provided before the baby is born. So far, he has not achieved this.

Due to the relationship breaking down, we'd agreed to double barrel the surname. I have now gone back on this and have said I will only double barrel the surname if he is clean by the time the baby is born, otherwise the baby will be having my surname only.

It's really affecting him but I'm determined to stand my ground with it.

AIBU?
Is it fair to double barrel the surname regardless, as he is baby's father?

This.

My brother and sister had to change their names to remove their abusive dad's surname, and my sister changed her name entirely.

This is a whole person, not a new puppy. The primary caregiver/s choose the name. He won't be.

And if he's making shitty comments about not bonding because of the surname, then I doubt he'll every be.

it’s not as if people don’t still recognise me as the kids mum. I will always have that identity, regardless of names.

Also while this is technically true, neither the men nor women who think it's fine for the kids to automatically have the dad's name feel this way if they had to only have the mum's name. '

Could you imagine this sentiment instead: 'It's fine for them to take their mum's name only. After all, people will still recognise the dad as their dad and he'll always have that identity regardless of names'. Most wouldn't say this if it were the man. It usually seems so much more important to them for the dad's and kids' identities to have the man's name when the shoe is on the other foot. It's quite the double standard I think.

Again, not saying you think this way but most people who're of that mindset do.

Give the baby your surname and protect them from a drug addict by not putting the fathers name in the birth certificate.

To all those saying 'the child has the right to know who their father is'... no one is saying the child won't be told who their father is. But keeping the father off the birth certificate stops a drug addict having parental responsibility. This will ensure the mother can get on with raising the child without having to consult with a drug addict about which school the child goes to, where they can go on holidays, whether they can have vaccinations... the list goes on...

It may be that the father gets clean... and the father and mother can successfully coparent with no issues, but to protect the child from a known drug addict, at this moment in time it is better not to put the father on the birth certificate.

@Whatamitodonow I understand what you're saying. I got called Mrs DDsDadsSurname by default. I hated that. So I changed my DDs name to my surname.

But that's not what she's saying. She didn't change her kids' surname to hers so she won't be called her husband's surname. She's fine with her kids having their dad's surname. She just prefers to have her own surname (which is fine).

@CaptainMyCaptain @Imbusytodaysorry

It is true that if you are not married you cannot put the father on the BC unless he attends in person with you.

However, whether married or not, whether he is present of not, you can give your child any name you choose. Your surname, his, both, your next door neighbour's, your Mum's birth name, a new made up name, anything you like as long as it complies with general protocol (can't contain obscenities, numbers or 'misleading titles' which I guess means you can't call your baby ArchbishopOfCanterbury )

I’m just not sexist. Fathers have the same rights as mothers and are just as important.

That’s bollocks. Of course they still have parental responsibility. They’re the parent.

Fathers are indeed just as important if they are present, supportive, and behave like good parents- exercising proper responsibility.

Hard to see what their importance is if they are absent and / or not meeting responsibility. Except in a negative capacity.

Many MNers who were children of alcoholics and drug addicts will have things to say about the importance of such parents.

And no, he can't veto her name choices, he is not married to her, he can ONLY veto her name choices if he is on the BC or is married and thus has automatic PR.

And sexism here is irrelevant - the advice to the OP is based on his behaviour, not his sex.

That tells you all you need to know

Just get CMS in place and do what you can to make sure contact is safe

No they don't

As so many just walk away

Your name. If he can’t prioritise his child over his habit, he doesn’t deserve to be named.

You’ve done absolutely the right thing in getting out of this bad relationship.

I will go against the grain here and say this is wrong

You are weaponizing your child before they are even born and emotionally blackmailing the Dad

You are locked in a battle of wills that you won't win - its all about control - and control over the name of another human.

I think you are doing the right thing ending the relationship

Your name. And dump him.

I believe this entire thread to be blatantly sexist. Fathers are just as important as mothers and parental responsibility is a default not something that can be opted out of. Poor advice to say it is.

So do some mothers. Your point?

Do you live in the real world with the rest of us? How many single fathers do you know v single mothers?

84% v 16%. Guess which percentage is which.

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/families/bulletins/familiesandhouseholds/2022

So he's already trying to manipulate you using the baby by threatening not to "bond" with the child if you don't do what he wants. Trust me, this is jus tthe first step. Every time you say or do anything you don't like, he'll "punish" you by using your child against you. Ask him for money? He won't turn up for three weeks for agreed contact time. Insist he has a drug test? He'll threaten to take you to social services.

It's relentless.

As for th ename thing, that drives me MAD. As others hav said, babies get the mother's name traditionally, which if she was married, was traditionally the same as the dad. Single mothers traditionally gave their child their OWN name. This is yet another way in which men like to take the "good bits" of an old tradition and apply it to any situation. Men gave children their names by.... marrying the mother and accepting responsibility for the child and the mother.

Well by that logic, mothers also have the same rights as fathers and are fully entitled to give their kids her name, right? Or do you have a problem with children having just the fathers name too?

So for a woman to name her child, that she has just grown and birthed, is weaponising the child, but men aren’t weaponising the child when it’s given his name? How do you figure that then?

" he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname"

sounds like proof that he's a manipulative twat.
don't saddle your child with unnecessary connections to the alcoholic drug addict.

RESPONSIBILITY is the key word. I'm all for men having the same rights as women in the context of children, but not if they're not also goign to step up to take responsibility.

And please, "some women walk away too". Sure. But we all know that's a tiny majority. That the vast bulk of single families are women led.

I commented earlier OP.

But I just want to say this.

Women are not support humans for men. Walk away.

I would also be speaking to Social Services about his drug habit so that when he comes for contact (they make noises about this but often don't) it's on the record.

I've been a lone parent for 15 years, focus on you, DC, family and your career.

You don't need to "manage" him, you are not his support human or his mother.

that's bollocks - a decent father will bond with his child no matter the last name.

I was married for 25yrs, the dc had my last name, not his (joint decision), never stopped him being their dad or loving them.

Keep your child away from this man as much as you can.

I don’t know whether anyone else has said this but please get social services involved before the baby is born. I have a friend who didn’t even though we suggested it, father (personality disorder) accused her of abusing her children and children were removed from her. Years and far too much money later everything has come out in court and he can only have supervised visits with his children. But they have to take all allegations seriously and as she hadn’t reported him for everything he had done, they were both starting with blank slates.

maybe your midwife can offer some suggestions but he should only have visits supervised by a professional, it’s expensive and might put him off but sounds like where he is right now no father is better, maybe he can turn his life around.