Fathers surname - AIBU

[NC566]

Name change for this one.

I'm pregnant and due in a couple of months.
Father of the child has long-standing drink and drug issues (cocaine). This was kept hidden from me at the beginning of the relationship. By the time I found out, I was already in too deep. Had tried to walk away many times but hadn't been able to. Have tried to help and believed too many times that he could change. He was very neglected as a child and I have a lot of sympathy for his upbringing.

However, now that I'm pregnant, my maternal instincts are overriding any empathy I have for him and his situation. I have ended the relationship and have made it clear that he is to get clean and I want a clean drugs test provided before the baby is born. So far, he has not achieved this.

Due to the relationship breaking down, we'd agreed to double barrel the surname. I have now gone back on this and have said I will only double barrel the surname if he is clean by the time the baby is born, otherwise the baby will be having my surname only.

It's really affecting him but I'm determined to stand my ground with it.

AIBU?
Is it fair to double barrel the surname regardless, as he is baby's father?

"wouldn't satisfy him" Poor fucking piece of shit. Getting and staying clean to help you, appreciate his child and hopefully contribute + too much effort, cannot be bothered. Scum absolute scum. Have nothing to do with the filth he is, bring the child yourself with your supportive network, any help from society, state support and positive encouragement. I'm guessing, but I bet you get jack shit help from someone who would choose his drugs, drink and whatever to bring a responsible father.

Yeah I agree, and I can see it even more clearly now. It doesn't matter how many conversations we have about it, how many times I tell him, or how many times he promises, absolutely nothing changes. It's always been the same, I just really thought that mayybe, his baby might push him to change, even if he couldn't do it for me. But no, I'm not seeing it. Drugs will always come first.

I don't understand what the big deal is. He should think he'd be lucky to have contact with his own child let alone be worried about the name.

Your baby surname is the least of your worries. Keep him away from your baby until he can prove he can step up as a Father.

That’s blackmail.

I don't think you should use your child's surname as a bargaining chip to try and get him clean. It won't work.

Just give the child your surname.

And supervised contact in a contact centre, at that. Not supervised by a family member in their own home, etc (don’t actually know if that’s a thing.

he’ll only come clean when he’s ready to change his life. No amount of bargaining over contact or name will make him get clean. He’s not scum, necessarily, he has a disease and needs treatment. That doesn’t mean your child should suffer any consequences of that, of course.

the OP has done what is right for her child. You’re so sanctimonious I’d bed you’ve never ever made a mistake, right?

To be fair, he's an addict so the rational train has left him. Addicts often know what the right thing is and will even genuinely want to do the right thing but that doest mean they can do it. The immense lack of self control is the problem. If they could, they wouldn't be addicted.

You're clearly doing the right thing and thinking about your child. He'll have to find a way to help himself to get better and child's surname is the least of his worries.

So if he gets clean and stays clean, you don’t think him and the child have a right to a relationship? Hopefully he would win access through court, though I know it is easy for mothers to ignore those court orders, I assume from this post that you would be one of those mothers.

Fathers for justice, is that you?

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Don't give your baby his name. If he wants a relationship make sure he is VERY clean (a year clean in a 12 step programme perhaps, where he would have support). Well done for prioritising your child.

You started a while other thread on this and many people confirmed reasons why not to put fathers name on a birth certificate. If she put a drug addicts name on the BC then he has full PR and could just take the child.

OP please ignore Horsepeoples comment and do what you think is right for you amd your child. I personally would not be putting his name on the BC and he can go to court if he wants it to be added.

There is nothing stopping him been a father and a child knowing who he is even if his name is not on the BC.

Yet you chose to have a baby with him !!!

OP, if you’re not married, the baby traditionally has your name anyway, no idea where this idea has come from that unmarried fathers should have their last name used, pure male entitlement I guess, but it’s certainly not tradition. As for his manipulative comment that he won’t be able to bond with the baby if it doesn’t have his name, I think that tells you how shallow his idea of being a parent is.

With regards to the BC.

if he’s the child’s father he can get a DNA test and apply to be put on. If he does that you don’t have a choice, he will get PR.

have you told your m/w? I’d get ahead of this and tell her everything so down the line if he does start taking steps to get contact with the child it’s recorded he’s an addict and unsafe around the child.

fwiw I don’t have the same name as my children and we bonded just fine. I don’t actually see it as a big deal, there are positives to it and I actually like having a different name.

100% this. Two of the biggest things you can give your child are stability and unconditional love. He can’t offer stability as he’s a drug addict who can’t get clean. It now looks like his love is conditional on a name.

Your name. Not dad's.

Or it may turn him around to want to parent, drug free or not.
I highly doubt he wont want to know the baby.
The surname - leave it off.

Your name only. He's already chosen cocaine over his baby because he won't give up the drugs and go to rehab.

For what reasons are you trying to appease him, OP? You really need to think about that.

There is absolutely no law to state you have to give your child the fathers name. It's and old, antiquated rule...not a law.

Why are you giving this person house-room? he's shown all along he cannot/won't change, despite you being pregnant. Now he's threatening to not bond with the baby if it doesn't have his name??
He may need to get clean, but I think you also need to treat what appears to be your addiction to him

It's and old, antiquated rule

But it’s not! The tradition is the baby gets the mothers last name, it’s just that historically most mothers were married and so had taken her husbands name. It’s never been a rule that unmarried fathers have their last name used, it’s a very new trend.

it’s always been a gripe of mine that mums …regardless of whether they’re married, always seem to give the fathers name…. Maybe it’s a regional thing, but I’ve rarely seen mothers giving their child their name if they’re with the father.
and I’m not young !!!!