Fathers surname - AIBU

[NC566]

Name change for this one.

I'm pregnant and due in a couple of months.
Father of the child has long-standing drink and drug issues (cocaine). This was kept hidden from me at the beginning of the relationship. By the time I found out, I was already in too deep. Had tried to walk away many times but hadn't been able to. Have tried to help and believed too many times that he could change. He was very neglected as a child and I have a lot of sympathy for his upbringing.

However, now that I'm pregnant, my maternal instincts are overriding any empathy I have for him and his situation. I have ended the relationship and have made it clear that he is to get clean and I want a clean drugs test provided before the baby is born. So far, he has not achieved this.

Due to the relationship breaking down, we'd agreed to double barrel the surname. I have now gone back on this and have said I will only double barrel the surname if he is clean by the time the baby is born, otherwise the baby will be having my surname only.

It's really affecting him but I'm determined to stand my ground with it.

AIBU?
Is it fair to double barrel the surname regardless, as he is baby's father?

Why on earth would you give baby his surname even as a double-barrel? You're not married and he's clearly a dead weight.

Definitely just your name.

The bond he has with his child has nothing to do with the surname and everything to do with him being clean and a present and loving father. Given what he’s put you through and will likely continue to put you through, I wouldn’t even consider it.

Imagine explaining this to your child when they're 8, or 15.

Well you were going to be called Abigail Bethan Clark but your dad managed to stay off drugs for a few months so you're Abigail Bethan Clark-Douglas.

This is an actual person. Your baby deserves not to have their name defined by their dad's drug consumption. Don't give his drugs habit that power. Whether he manages it or not, your baby doesn't need it written into their name.

Give the baby your surname only. The likelihood is that in 5 years the father won't be in either of your lives and you don't need a constant reminder of how shit he is.

If (unlikely) he does turn things around and show commitment to the child, you can always agree to change your child's name by deed poll later on.

So often it’s seen as ok to give the baby the surname of just the father. So it should be equally ok to give the baby just your name.

I cannot imagine giving the fathers surname to a child if we were not even together.

You knew he had issues before the pregnancy dont ude this kid as a weapon to kick him when he is down the child never asked for this it was the adults decision to bring child into this mess yet tje child is going to bare the brunt of it

I speak as someone who has children with an addict.
keep your child away from them and their toxic behaviour. This is so serious, more serious than just a surname issue.
stop contact, stop involving him, no name on BC, your surname only, no middle name nonsense. Child can chose their name once old enough should things change.
get yourself a mountain of therapy and support.
he’s gonna make life hard in every way for you. Do not believe anything that comes out his mouth.
he doesn’t care about the child or you, he wants to ‘win’ the surname things and wear you down. As a new mum this is likely.
normal healthy men don’t play this chaos and trauma on their kids mum or their unborn kid. Let your midwife know and speak out.
do not let him there when you give birth.
you must must must protect yourself and your child.
he will not change suddenly and please get a reality check, I have walked those shoes and it’s a painful road.
get to an Al Anon meeting and get support.

'although he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname'

Classic manipulation tactic. I'm married but my husband and I don't share a surname. Baby has my surname. My husband and her have a wonderful bond.

The real reason he won't be able to bond with your child is because he's off his face on drugs.

Just get away from him, and give baby your surname. Otherwise he'll get 'clean' (ish) for the birth to get the name double-barrelled, and then relapse afterwards.

I'm sorry but much as you think it's motivation to get clean this is a really bad idea. Firstly is he actually going to spend £700+ on a hair strand test? If so what happens if he relapses right after the name is registered? What happens if he relapses and disappears from the child's life and you're stuck with an extra surname neither you nor your child wants or needs?
You're the mum, you aren't married, he's not a reliable father. So what if he wants the baby to have his surname? So what?

How is she using the child as a weapon?

I really wish that I hadn’t put my sons bio dad on his birth cert, my husband can’t adopt him, he can’t change his name to ours so has to carry the name of a man he hasn’t seen in 8 years and that waster has parental responsibility, only benefit to me is the £30 maintenance a month.
keep his name off

Ask yourself how you would have felt growing up with a different surname to the one of your parent who looked after you.
How would you have felt with others asking why your surname was Smith when your mum was Jones and having to tell the other children at school that Smith is the name of some random druggie who got your mother pregnant.
Regardless of whether he is on the birth certificate, give the child your surname.

Clean break OP and I am saying this from experience as a lone parent for 15 years.

Do not create dependency on his actions being rewarded.

Take charge. Your name, don't name him on the BC.

He can take it to court etc if he's that bothered. He won't be, he will drown his sorrows in drugs and prove to you exactly who you thought he was.

Focus on raising your child.

Your life will be a lot more peaceful and easy without him in it.

Okay, first of all, I'm not kicking him when he is down. He's always down, and I've stood by him this entire way and tried to lift him up. It's hopeless.
Second, I'm not using the child as a weapon. If that was my intention, I wouldn't be here asking for opinions to make sure I do the right thing.
And yes, that is exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I was close to terminating, I couldn't do it. So now I have to just protect my child best I can. Thank you for judging in an already difficult situation 🫡

Thank you for sharing your experience.
It's only been 3 days since I've written this post and once again he's fallen back on his promises of staying clean. I think I've already made my decision of registering the baby alone and giving them my surname. The pp here made me realise this can always be changed at a later date if he stays clean and proves himself. I'm not going to bother speaking to him about it again. I've made it clear what he needs to do, and I think he's going to do nothing but string me along with fake promises and not come through, lying where he has to. I'll just let him do him from now, and let him realise the consequences when the time comes.

It's easier for him to go to court to formalise his rights than to spend your child's dependent years always having to defer to an uninterested or worse, malicious sperm donor.

BCs and names can be changed one way round. If he is named, then he can not be taken off the BC and you won't be unable to re-name your child without his consent which realistically, he won't be giving.

I'm seeing friends who separated when their children were young being regularly sabbotaged in trying to do their best. Issues like trying to get SEN assessments and EHCPs, and he has to be consulted, CBA to fill in the forms properly and spouts a load of crap about how all is hunkydory

This is about responsibilities. Do not give responsibilities away to someone irresponsible.
Not even the name.

That's another thing I've thought of. Baby won't want his surname when they get older and realise the truth. I've made my decision. Thank you all 💖

Saying that he won't be able to bond with baby if baby doesn't have his name is narcissistic, manipulative, self-centered nonsense and you should not give into it.
It's all about him. Maybe you should remind him that even bonding with the baby is for the baby's benefit, not his. It's how nature protects vulnerable small humans and makes sure they grow up with their parents' love and protection.

Do what's right for you and the baby. This man is either going to shape up or he isn't; it's not your job to mollycoddle him now.
Best of luck OP, you sound like you will be an awesome mum.💞

Good call. Best of luck for a straightforward third trimester and birth.

Tell him you're really hurt that he can't clean up his act for the sake of his unborn child.

If he would refuse to bond with his child over something so stupid he doesn't deserve to have a relationship with them. I don't have the same surname as my children. It doesn't change how I feel about them.

Move forward and leave him behind.
It’s for the best. Adverse childhood experiences are awful and damaging.
only he can change. A promise from an addict is worthless and at best manipulative.
let him become clean and prove it via court.
mine had to do a hair stand test from his pubic hair.
poor woman who had to sample him 🤦🏽‍♀️

I think it's only fair to give both names since both made the child. However, as a pp suggested, you can use his as one of the middle names so that it doesn't need to be used if he ends up not in baby's life.

If he's not going to be in her life at all now, then just give your surname.

Him not being happy that baby doesn't have his name as per standard is not even worth caring about. Baby deserves your name too for sure. If he won't bond with his child because of it, he has more issues to worry about.

(I know one silly OP on another thread who thought it was a cute thing that her partner was "disappointed" their baby didn't bear only his surname and another ridiculous poster thought so too but that's their business).

Edit: Just read your update sorry. Yep. Agreed. Your surname only or his name as a middle name if you feel you want to keep that connection.

he says he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname

What a dick. 🙄

I think you have made the right decision for you and your baby.