Fathers surname - AIBU

[NC566]

Name change for this one.

I'm pregnant and due in a couple of months.
Father of the child has long-standing drink and drug issues (cocaine). This was kept hidden from me at the beginning of the relationship. By the time I found out, I was already in too deep. Had tried to walk away many times but hadn't been able to. Have tried to help and believed too many times that he could change. He was very neglected as a child and I have a lot of sympathy for his upbringing.

However, now that I'm pregnant, my maternal instincts are overriding any empathy I have for him and his situation. I have ended the relationship and have made it clear that he is to get clean and I want a clean drugs test provided before the baby is born. So far, he has not achieved this.

Due to the relationship breaking down, we'd agreed to double barrel the surname. I have now gone back on this and have said I will only double barrel the surname if he is clean by the time the baby is born, otherwise the baby will be having my surname only.

It's really affecting him but I'm determined to stand my ground with it.

AIBU?
Is it fair to double barrel the surname regardless, as he is baby's father?

Drugs will always come first

This sentence gives you your answer OP

What a mess. He can't get clean because he is an addict. He needs to get help with that and he needs to be in the right headspace to get help with that. Threatening him is not going to make it happen. If you want the child to have both your names then just do it. Don't use it as a way to get him clean because that is just setting him up for failure and you for disappointment. Same goes for the birth certificate. Leaving him off will only temporarily keep him away. He can go to court to get his PR.

Hi OP, there are some fantastic comments and advice here. I totally support that faction, the majority, who are in favour of distance from him for you and your child.
I work in secondary schools and see the damage adult addictions do to children all the time. Addiction is hard for us as mature adults to understand let alone little children who are told by well meaning but deluded sections of society that they must have a relationship with dad/mum, despite the pain that relationship brings.
As for surnames don't make me laugh how can it have any impact at all on him? Apart from his desire for gratification not being met, you know this is part of his active addiction? If he were actually in a 12 step or other treatment programme he wouldn't even mention it!

Your surname only.
If he miraculously changes his ways, his name cane be added in a few years time. Trying to REMOVE his name will be really difficult.
So he's not happy about it?
Well you're not happy about his drug use

@Whatamitodonow

fwiw I don’t have the same name as my children and we bonded just fine. I don’t actually see it as a big deal, there are positives to it and I actually like having a different name.

You don't have to answer my question if you don't want to but this part of your post got me genuinely curious. Firstly, are you a man or woman? Secondly, if a woman, can you tell me why you say you like having a different name to your children and why you think there are positives to it?

The only reason I can think of for a man to say this is that they can just fuck off anytime and not worry about being tied to the children. I don't think many women would say this compared to men (I've never seen a woman say this tbh). It's why I'm curious to know a woman's reason, if you're one.

That last sentence is bollocks. You can´t bond with your baby if it doesn´t have your surname? I´m sorry, I would keep my baby as far away as possible from an addict.

Give the baby your surname and do everything you can to give your baby the best chance in life that you can. That may well mean removing your child from the orbit of this man forever. If he gets clean and you have a lovely wedding you can change your name and your child's name to his. The chance of that happening is vanishingly small. I was married to an alcoholic. Drink was more important to him than his family ever was. He eventually died. Our children are now adults with wives and children of their own now. Focus on yourself and your child. This man will manipulate you in every way if he thinks he can. Addicts are the best manipulators in the world. They are also always addicts even if they have periods of recovery.

@HollyKnight Same goes for the birth certificate. Leaving him off will only temporarily keep him away. He can go to court to get his PR.

My guess is a drug addict who claims he can only bond with his child if it has his name is not about to go to court for anything.

He won't be spending money on going to court. He'll be spending it on getting off his face. He may well be the type who only wants something because he can't have it . He'll always want drugs more

That’s a mighty big ‘if’! And OP is not denying a relationship anyway. He’s the one who’s saying, ‘he won't be able to bond with baby if it doesn't have his surname.’

Wow so he’s already given himself an excuse for when he is a shit or non-existent ’father’…it will be your fault. What an emotionally manipulative shit-bag trying to force your hand like this.

This isn’t about his feelings and whether or not he feels hurt (how dare he? ‘Hurt’ when he doesn’t have the grit to tackle his drinking in order to keep you or his baby? How hurt does he think that might make you feel??? )

What do you want to do, in your heart of hearts, OP? He hasn’t tackled his drug addiction or drinking, you are not in a relationship.

You could, if you choose, give your baby his surname as middle or hyphenated name WITHOUT putting him on the BC.

Unless he gets a DNA test and goes to court that option enables you to lose his name in future should you or your D.C. choose. (PR gives him a veto over name change)

I’m not sure why already having a middle name means your Dc can’t have another one. It makes no difference to the overall length where in the name his name is but It would mean that the usual form of name was shorter as middle names are only used on official forms.

Of course he can bond with a baby he loves whatever the name.

Your maternal instincts have kicked in and enabled you to see this man for the deceitful, addicted, manipulative person he is.

Now us the time to do what YOU think best for you and your baby.

I’m a woman.

i feel it maintains my identity. I’m still me. My name reflects my heritage and my family. I don’t want be seen as “a wife” and “a mum”, I want to be me. I don’t want my identity to be absorbed into a family unit.

i think it’s a good example for my girls that a woman can be a person in her own right and have wants, needs and goal other than to get married and have babies, and be “mrs x”, or “suzie’s mum”. I don’t like the “proud to be MRS” narrative- especially when that doesn’t apply to men. They don’t have to demonstrate their love and commitment by changing their name.

i don’t see why I should be absorbed into his family. mrs. X- is dh’s mum. Not me.

i did some work for an elderly relative recently on her family as he needed it to get some graves cleaned. The male line was easy- but women tended to get lost on marriage. I’d need the marriage cert to find the death cert and if I didn’t know the husbands name she was lost.

it’s been a lot easier with documentation. I don’t need to produce a marriage certificate for jobs, passports and god knows what else to show my change of name- it feels like I would have to prove the person I am now is the person I was then. I have not become a different person because I married/had kids.

it also has the benefit that it’s DH that gets added to all the social media groups for school, clubs etc as they can’t find me. So he is the default, not me.

it’s not as if people don’t still recognise me as the kids mum. I will always have that identity, regardless of names.

You don't know this. All you know is he takes cocaine and drinks. He clearly functions well enough that his addiction wasn't apparent to the OP until well into their relationship.

I would cut all contact now and not see him again. Life as a single mum will be hard enough without a drug addict trying to manipulate you. He's not going to have any positive influence on your child's life unless he gets clean and he's not going to do that with his current attitude.
You can't help him and need to put your baby first from now on

You're not more important than the father - whatever his problems are - double barelling the surname is the only fair and ethical thing to do - I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?

He can’t give it up, Holly. That makes him an addict. An addict who’s already making excuses for why he can’t bond with his baby. Addicts are all about self preservation and I suspect a functioning addict is not going to want it on the court record that his child’s mother initially denied him PR because he’s an addict.

So many red flags with this man. The comment about not bonding with the baby if the surname is yours is awful. Your child could change their name in future and have children with a different surname to him - is hr really saying that he wouldn’t bond with that grandchild ? Would he really not be able to bond with any child with a different surname eg your nieces/nephews?

Use your surname only and don’t dangle the surname as a prize for being clean. If he relapses would you change the child’s surname by deed poll? Do you really want to be testing him for the rest of your life ? You want to save your energy for your baby- not worrying about what man baby is up to. Deep down you must know that he is unlikely to change when the greatest incentive to change is arriving in a few months. The first year of having a baby is super stressful because of the lack of sleep, if he’s not done it by now he is unlikely to do it.

I think you need to look into why you’re dragging this relationship out when all the red flags are there.

This please do this. I double named and then struggled to get him removed (thousands!)

now the kids both have my surname only makes going abroad much easier

Now this is truly hilarious. You've really taken the ' be kind' bullshit and run with it haven't you.

@JHound

So often it’s seen as ok to give the baby the surname of just the father. So it should be equally ok to give the baby just your name.

• I thought this was usual!

I'm also not certain you have that veto. Why do you think your views are more important than his?

What a silly question! OP is pregnant, will give birth and will be responsible for nigh on 100% of the baby’s care. As for not having a veto, OP is unmarried, so free to go to the register office and give her baby whatever name she chooses.

Yes she is more important, she alone will bring this child into the world, she will be the one keeping it alive and nurtured, she’s the one that will be doing the vast majority of parenting.

Also it’s pretty incredible to suggest double barreling is the fair and ethical thing to do when the vast majority of children in this country are given their fathers name alone, where’s the pressure to double barrel and be fair to the mothers?

Name the baby whatever you want. There’s nothing he can do to enforce the baby taking his name in any form as you can register the baby alone and leave his name off the BC. As previous PP said drug tests are meaningless unless he is being tested twice a week! Coke stays in the system only a very short time and no doubt he’ll know how to make sure they are clean.
In the future if he sorts himself out he can go down the legal route to gain parental rights and responsibilities, but you have to do what’s right for baby now.

Because men have women who champion for their ‘rights’ but women don’t have the same group of hand…bachelors? 🤔