To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

That’s actually really disgusting and horrible. She sounds vile and immature. I think at the very least he should tell her this and break off all contact. That would be a minimum expectation, or he goes.

I think I would get her number from his phone and message her myself.

Hi Margaret, it’s Donna. I don’t understand why you would send a cruel video to my husband mocking my name, and mocking birth trauma? As far as I’m aware I’ve never done anything to hurt or offend you so this seems very unkind? Why would my husband want to joke about his wife’s name like that?. I really don’t understand why you would think it was ok to share a cruel joke at my expense like this?

Shame the woman. Make her feel awful.

Do not do this!

You'll be playing right into her hands of portraying yourself as the psycho girlfriend!

It's all the ammunition she needs to go running to your partner with and show him that YOU cant take a joke and YOU are controlling by contacting his friends.

You cannot shame someone who has no shame.

She knew exactly what she was doing when she sent that video! She was ripping the piss out of the Op and had the green light given to do so by the Op's boyfriend who's now working his way out of it.

That is absolutely vile and I'm amazed she would think it appropriate to send to him!

He probably under reacted as it might not be the first time such a joke was made at your expense.

This. They've obviously been discussing you for this to happen. What a despicable pair. I'd chuck him back. No decent bloke behaves like this.

I understand why you feel the way you do. But please, please ask yourself why she felt comfortable in sending him a message like this. It suggests that there has been banter of this kind between the two of them - otherwise why would she post this to him and risk their friendship ? He’s complicit in this in some way and you need to get to the bottom of it before you move on, otherwise it will come back to bit you in the arse.

And he'll be more careful with his phone and texts now.

I’m glad you found your legitimate anger and this does need addressing and the friendship killing off. Too many people on MN are way too keen to tell others to end their marriages/relationhips. I agree with you that people are “multidimensional”. I tend to say ‘we are all fallible’. If he is otherwise a good person and a loving husband. This is not marriage ending stuff on its own.

@Rosscameasdoody i haven’t forgotten this aspect and i agree. This is the main focus of the conversation that needs to take place. I’m still wondering if I see him tomorrow and he will come with a defense of her, at which point there will be no more discussion, no more anything.

Im just trying to get my mind around this incident and the implications (like your point) the man I know and love. I have to be open to all possibilities.

It's not op's job in life to call out and guide nasty young women.

The young woman is not her problem ...her partner is!!!!

If he was a decent person and partner, she'd never have got to the point of sending him stuff like that in the first place.

This is not marriage ending stuff on its own

When will 90% of posters read this thread??

It's not a marriage.

He's not op's husband.

He's a "partner" she's been seeing for 18 months.

I don't think they cohabit.

Did you say you have daughters, op?

Why have them around a man who very clearly behaves in such a way that a young woman he has insufficient boundaries with; feels comfortable taking the piss out of you and degrading you - to him.

She clearly doesn't expect him to tell her to fuck off and to end their acquaintance when she does this.

You say you love him.

I'm not sure that you really know him, to love him.

18 months of dating.

Think carefully about this.

And don't fall into the trap of thinking that it has to work in with the next significant relationship you have after a marriage/ltr breakdown . .. because I notice a lot of women doing that when they're divorced. The next significant relationship has to work or in their mind they're somehow a failure. If it works out, it was their ex who was at fault, not them. They're functional and loveable.

It's not that simple!

It's a fallacy.

This is absolutely true. He'll be more careful to hide it that's all.

Too many people on MN are way too keen to tell others to end their marriages/relationhips.

Meanwhile you don't even grasp the basic details in a thread and talk about a marriage that doesn't exist.

If you truly think that that young woman sent that clip to the op's bf with zero background; you are delusional.
Given there must be background to it, I'm afraid this is relationship ending territory.

Posters who advise that don't want the op to be further disrespected, deceived, hurt, invest further etc.
I always think it's a particular type of misogynist who assumes and often states on that posters on here who encourage a woman to end a relationship with big red flags waving, have other motives; like they enjoy breaking up relationships or something such shit.

And besides the actual subject of the tik tok she sent him; we know that their interaction is inappropriate because it's made the op feel insecure and have to reassure herself that he wouldn't cheat or leave because of the age gap etc. His interaction with this young woman was off, even before the op saw evidence that she's the butt of crude jokes. (And there are very very few people, especially women, who'd chance sending material like that out of the blue, with no background to someone whose acquaintance they have any plans to retain. She clearly thinks his gf is fair game for derogatory jokes; why is that, you need to ask yourself).

I'd be letting him know how disrespectful the video is and that you are now really uncomfortable with their friendship if this is the kind of disrespect that goes on. If he tries to excuse her or give her the benefit of the doubt then he is being complicit in that disrespect, and point that out to him.

I generally agree with everything everyone on this thread has posted. But, but…
I have female friends my age who constantly send me all sorts of video clips. I don’t watch any of them, ever. I can’t imagine having so much time on my hands that I’d bother, ever. But I don’t quite have the heart to tell them that because they are making the effort to stay in touch and make me smile, so I quite often reply with lol or haha or a laughing emoji. So I’d be prepared to believe that other people do this too, and little miss charming thinks it’s ok to send this shit to the boyfriend because she’s been doing it for months and he’s been pretending to watch it. Just a thought. He still needs to tell her to fuck off now, though.

@HazelPlayer you make a lot of sense but I don’t relate personally to your points. I would have been content to stay single, I am accepting that this could end the relationship. Another poster referred to be as being desperate to save it. I’m far from desperate but I am very sad. This has been up until Saturday night, the healthiest green flag of a relationship Iv had.

I don’t think Iv Had to reassure myself about their friendship or the age gap. I wondered early on and maybe still do a bit now, if they would have had a relationship if the gap had been smaller but i believe, (maybe naively so but I don’t think I am naive) that he would not go down that route for various reasons. I’m open however to being completely wrong here and if I am then so be it. Off they can pop together. I have to consider though that they never have.

My children… I’d prefer not to talk about them and him. Only to add I am more cautious than most and it’s not an issue, I would request posters don’t come back to this please, I can only request but requesting, I am.

There has been overwhelming support from this thread but there have been some jabs. I’m not deluded, or desperate or naive or blind. I believe I’m measured and my mistake came from doubting myself. This thread has told me my instincts were right and now I have to trust them. They are telling me to be open to giving this relationship a second chance.

But it’s in his hands now.

Off they can pop together. I have to consider though that they never have.

Op, as I've said above; I'd imagine she doesn't actually want him for that.

She has a partner.

He's older by quite a bit.

I suspect she just enjoys having him as an orbiter and being queen bee.

My worry is due to the age gap he would never consider being with her but there is something there

That's what I was referring to, I suppose.
And the mentionitis.

Fair play. Somehow I missed that!

@HazelPlayer I agree with that, Iv never heard of that phrase before but yes. I think that’s her motivation.

id forgotten to mention, well didn’t think it relevant so no shouting drip feed at me but they had supposed to go to an event together Saturday, she dropped out saying she felt unwell so I went with him (no issue with them seeing each other, it’s probably been 6 months since the last time). I wonder if she was mad that I went?

*This thread has told me my instincts were right and now I have to trust them.

They are telling me to be open to giving this relationship a second chance*.

Those are rather contradictory, no offence.

If this thread has told you your instincts were right... That this is totally off. And you're now trusting them. ...

Why would the follow on from that be that you should be open to giving the relationship a second chance? You've just had it confirmed that you were right to find this behaviour and their interaction totally off.

I'm genuinely not trying to be argumentative, it just seems contradictory.
I'd have thought you'd be (at minimum) down grading, uninvesting, and putting him on a trial, as it were. "Second chance" doesn't sound like that.

My instincts about the TikTok were right. That I was right to be offended. I was cautious about their relationship but I never worried until recently. I wish I had faith in myself to address it sooner LC to react how I wanted to react. I have reacted and from the response I received l, I feel there is hope and my instincts say to be cautious but give that there is potential.

Sometimes boundaries are blurred, sometimes people go a bit wrong. It doesn’t mean things are dead in the water everytime?

Now am I 100% certain. Am I hell. And as per my previous pledge, if I’m wrong, whether it be in 24 hours or 6 months, il come back and own it.