To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

Second chance I feel means a second chance to put me first, to learn and to prioritise our relationships. Not a get out of jail free card. But again all depends on where talking leads us.

But it’s in his hands now

Why.

You're turning it over to him, but he's naturally going to minimise it and bullshit etc. He doesn't want dumped and left on his Jack Jones over his bitchy little side kick - who's got a partner and very likely won't ever be with him.

That doesn't mean he hasn't been acting totally inappropriately.

It’s in his hands as to whether he does what I need him to do. If he doesn’t, then that’s it.

@HazelPlayer this thread is basically just our conversation now, shall we just meet up for coffee and thrash everything out 🤣. I think I need your critical thinking in all areas of my life.

id forgotten to mention, well didn’t think it relevant so no shouting drip feed at me but they had supposed to go to an event together Saturday, she dropped out saying she felt unwell so I went with him (no issue with them seeing each other, it’s probably been 6 months since the last time). I wonder if she was mad that I went?

Yes, it's possible that if she has an ego and likes being queen bee, that she was pissed off at being instantly replaced by his partner (like he felt there was nothing special about seeing her and when she couldn't go, he just swapped someone else in and went).

Maybe it contributed to that particular piece of nastiness; but it's highly unlikely that came completely out of the blue, with zero background.

Lol, I'm in NI though - planes or ferries have to be involved.

I suppose it could be virtual.

OP, I totally understand the desire to make things be good again and to convince yourself he did not mean it, it was her, its nothing etc etc. You clearly like him, you are invested, you feel he's nice etc etc. Of course you can ignore, forgive, minimise and stay with him. But. It will come back to you, believe me. You will have to deal with his bullshit. OW/ cheating/ lies, sooner or later, but you will ((

Second chance I feel means a second chance to put me first, to learn and to prioritise our relationships.

Imho he shouldn't need a second chance to act appropriately when he's got a lovely partner of 18 months (and I know you'd prefer kids are not mentioned, but I do think it's relevant in terms of other people also being involved, and respect towards them as part of the family/unit he's gotten involved with too).
He shouldn't need a second chance to not act inappropriately with immature, unpleasant young women he's "friends" with.

Its not a real/neutral friendship, is it? Otherwise she'd never think or dare to be derogatory towards his partner.

There's something really rotten about this situation, and it's not her on her own.

Even if he cuts off the "friendship"; it doesn't change the fact that there's been some dynamic between them that meant she thought he'd be receptive/amused/not offended by what she sent, and not end the friendship.
That says a lot about him. I'm not sure that someone so two faced, disengenuous, disloyal, pathetic, ungrateful/unappreciative, spineless, disrespectful ... I could go on (!) can conveniently change that much.

And I have to say that personally, even if I really thought they could ot would change; the fact they'd spoken that way about me/or come along with me being spoken about that way. ..to some little bitchy c*not, while sharing my bed, eating my food, being around my kids, going to social events with me etc. would give me the rage to too much of a degree to be feasible.

*or gone along with me being spoken about that way. ..

She sounds like she trying to put him off you

I think this awful woman and her deeply offensive tic toks are not the important point here, forget her.
It's him, that he would have such a friendship that would involve such a fundamental disrespect of you, and that he would entertain it.

I would be cringing and utterly mortified to be with such creep.
You really deserve much better.

He’s being a twat and she is a little bitch

OP this is meant with kindness - but if he’s wonderful compared to previous relationships - just be careful you’re not distorting how good & kind this man is in your eyes. Just because he’s not a low life or outwardly a bully or a serial cheat, doesn’t mean he’s a saint. After some bad relationships we can often meet someone & attribute “good guy” status on then - because they’re so different to previous toxic or unhealthy relationships. They may be polite, have decent values, be stable & reliable, kind & good people. And so different from previous men, that it’s easy to generalise this perceived “goodness” & cause us to see them as untouchable (which is how he comes across in your initial posts) & almost saintly. We can put people on pedestals because compared to an abuser, they’so kind & so decent. When they’re a really just exhibiting normal degrees of basic standards in how they relate to others. But our own barometer of what’s acceptable & normal has become skewed, by previous disrespectul &/or unhealthy relationships with. The dichotomy is dangerous - good guys & bad guys - when everyone is on a continuum & so it’s great he seems to be so kind & decent & a very good chap - who sounds in some ways a little old fashioned & with very good values - it doesn’t make him immune in other ways to being capable of really hurting you.
in your posts you make a lot of excuses for him as though the commenters on here by criticising his actions in this are therefore denigrating his whole character. They’re not. They’re saying you can still be a nice guy & also really hurt someone. His other redeeming qualities should not come into it - or be used to try to negate the severity of how much this has & understandably hurt you . He is Mr Kind but he’s also made you feel insulted, disrespected, humiliated & insecure. He possibly does not excel in communication & would rather avoid topics than get into any conflict. This is what you should be addressing not requesting blanket bans on who he’s friends with. Imo!

@Strawberries86 You are not going to leave this man, so I would suggest that you advise him to be very careful of his communications by text with this woman.

If at one of these events they attend together, he gets too excited and goes in for the kiss or the hand on the thigh, and she does not like it, she can take all of those texts to support a civil sexual harassment claim against him. Despite them now being ex-colleagues, those texts would be ample evidence of his efforts over a long period of time to start an unwanted sexual relationship with her.

A criminal complaint could also be filed as discussing your own sex life could constitute sexual harassment under the Equality Act 2010, and unwanted touching could constitute an offence under the Sexual Offences Act 2003.

I've seen careers ended for this reason. Let him understand that he's playing with fire.

Bloody hell, I’d go nuclear even if it wasn’t my name in the clip.

Why would someone he works with think he’d be a willing audience for this kind of misogynistic bullshit? Wtf is the workplace culture like?

Add the fact that it was your name, along with the mentionitis and the frequent messaging, and I think I’d become quite frightening.

I imagine she cancelled going to the event as her husband has found out about the pair of them.

OP, with all due respect, but that woman should not have children. She doesn't have good values to give them, because she has so deeply internalized the misogyny we all grew up with.

You can also tell a lot about someone from the friends they keep.

I have reacted and from the response I received l, I feel there is hope and my instincts say to be cautious but give that there is potential

I genuinely wish you all the luck in the world @Strawberries86

Stay strong and keep vigilant

I think that if there's anything to find out, you'll find it out quite quickly

Sending love ❤️

@SayyestotheDog i really like your post. I do want to be clear I’m not making excuses for him. I was trying to give context about why I wasn’t immediately letting the door hit him on the way out without a second thought.

But with everything else you are absolutely right. Thank you for taking the time to write it.

Well, @Strawberries86, she is quite the ‘Mean Girl’ who feels entitled to devalue and mock you. She is confident that your Partner will guffaw or at least chuckle at her crude dig, which speaks volumes. I highly doubt that this is the first time you’ve been their in-joke fodder.

His mentionitis has ramped up lately, so she’s been on his mind. She gets a buzz from doing the pick-me dance and he is flattered by her attention, hence his failure to call out her revolting put-down of you.

You deserve love, loyalty, respect and cherishment. Don’t settle for less.

It’s weird it sounds like triangulation. He is making fun of one women to another to get in her good books. Ewww

@Strawberries86 you're welcome. Remember your worth & that there are plenty wolves in sheep's clothing about! Good luck!

RED FLAG!!
Seriously… you have your head in the sand. He’s leading a double life here, Clearly he’s a very different man with his young ‘friend’
It makes me feel unsettled for you .

This is what happened to me. After a couple of abusive relationships I met Mr Kind and Respectful. He seemed so caring, thoughtful and genuine. A year down the line he was telling me I had memory problems, demanding to see my WhatsApp messages, following me and assaulting me.