To be offended by this

[Strawberries86]

Dp of 18 months has a younger female friend. They met through work and although no longer work together, remained friends. The context is at times Iv noticed some “mentionitis” but overall the friendship has little impact on me. They mainly watsapp and see each other infrequently, she has a partner also.

The mentioning of this friend has increased recently and il admit Iv been a little concerned.

To the issue!
last night she sent him a TikTok he couldn’t open (he doesn’t have the app) I said to send it to me and he can look on my phone.

It was a video of a comedian making fun of a women with my name. He then goes on to refer to a childish insult related to my name and he then links it to having a damaged vagina due to having children. I have the name and I also have children.

I swear I’m not easily offended but I hardly know this young woman I’m offended that he didn’t see an issue with it but also that she felt safe to send it him? Like a shared joke at my expense.

Give it to me - aibu?

due to the age gap he would never consider being with her

Gently, this is very naive.

Haven't got time to read the full thread but just wanted to say, OP, that I have a male friend who I have known since I was 16 (24 years!). I categorically do not see in an intimate way, he's like a brother to me! Sometimes we go months with no contact due to life etc, other times we text daily for a few days at a time. We have silly banter with each other every time we speak (not referring to the disrespectful video, that crossed the line. I'm referring to the other aspects of your DH's interaction with her).

I just wanted to reassure you that some men & women can absolutely have a 100% platonic friendships. It always amazes me when some posters say that they don't believe men & women can be friends without being intimate and it's just nonsense. The thought of being intimate with my male friend makes me feel ill! In the exact same way that the suggestion of doing so with a sibling would! 🤢

Sorry OP as I said, I hadn't RTFT. His reaction is suspicious. Ignore above! 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Strawberries86 my dp is far far far from being a bad person.

I said exactly the same about my ex.... I'd have bet my house on it, in fact. That he would be the very last person on earth to turn violent & abusive. To abandon our child and not see her in 8 years.

He was just a very bloody good actor for 2 years before DD was born.

I'm 40 too and if there's one thing I've learnt, it's to never ever EVER put anything past anyone.

I would be contacting her and asking why she thinks it's okay to take the piss even though she doesn't really know you and ask how she would feel if you sent that sort of thing to her partner x

Contacting her is a dreadful idea. It won't reflect well on the OP at all.

The OP's issue is with her partner (who she should be dumping), not this woman.

That would be a really stupid thing to do.

I’d like to see how this woman could file a sexual harassment complaint after sending him that video herself. From his reaction it’s clearly not the first time.

Because there's no pattern of men being flattered by the attention of younger women and leaving their partners for them???????

Its all in the interpretation of the body of texts - not in one individual message. Age gap, his position of power over her in the workplace, and inappropriate sexual discussions make this potentially a strong case if the OW in this is willed to pursue.

'he is otherwise a lovely, kind and generous man. My worry is due to the age gap he would never consider being with her but there is something there.'

One of the reasons men have affairs with young women is that they have a steady partner like you OP who ticks all the boxes for a relationship but they get a huge thrill out of the attentions of a younger woman.

You're the safe and reliable Vauxhall Astra but he likes have a ride sometimes in the Audi TT which is the younger woman who's a bit more nippy and sleek looking.

I saw the name and joke made, sounds like a child do you have children? If not kick him to the kerb, it def was an insult insinuated towards you to have your name is not just random and if they claim that it's gas lighting. No one needs a man that doesn't stand up for them when they are not around. Actions speak louder than words - you deserve better.

I'd be livid if my partner engaged in this kind of communication with another woman and didn't immediately tell her it was unacceptable.
There is obviously a tone set in their previous conversations for her to feel this was okay.
She is obviously base and vulgar to be sending things like this.
You have every right to be upset and angry.
I'm sorry but unless he agreed to go no contact with her, I'd be walking away.

I hope you told her you had seen it and what you thought of her sending it to him. Then tell him good and proper what you really think of them both

That’s real bitchy from her and seems to give away what she thinks of you and to have an opinion of you means she must like your dp and is maybe jealous. Your dp needs to manage this with her and step away if needed if he genuinely has no feelings for her. I would never entertain someone who I thought had feelings for me even if I didn’t as it’s disrespectful to my oh

I'm a little late to the party here but I've been in similar situations and going off what you say I would say she is a bit jealous of you and is trying to make subtle digs. If it were my partner I'd be saying sorry, she's crossed the line so frankly now its her or me. I think I would actually trust your partner, I think he isn't seeing as much into it because he wasn't properly listening and isn't interested in her so is blind to these little digs - I imagine he might be seeing it now though! TLDR - I'd trust him, I would not trust her.

Paul Smith didn't humiliate that woman

People pay a lot of money to sit in the front row of his shows to get that kind of banter, you know when booking that's what you'll get.

Obviously he's just not your type of comedian.

I though, couldn't care less what he'd say about me 🤷🏻‍♀️ he's hilarious.

Given that the TikTok was of a comedian making fun of someone with the same name as the OP, and was of an intimate nature - private parts looking like a kebab after childbirth (which is disgusting in itself) why on earth would you think that this woman would be comfortable enough to send something like that to him out of the blue about his own wife ? There’s clearly been talk and insulting banter behind OP’s back or there would be no reason for her to have sent him this, so to my mind they’re both culpable. It would be the end of the relationship for me.

Why is it in his hands? You're not making a lot of sense now

It doesn’t matter if you’re called Donna or not, and whether she sent to have a laugh at you or just as a general “joke”, it’s gross and highly INAPPROPRIATE. What planet is she from? (And what planet is your partner from to not see how awful that is?)

It absolutely does matter that OP has the same name. She’s clearly the butt of a private joke between the two of them. Otherwise there would be no need to send it would there ? Why else would she think he wouldn’t find it offensive ?

What I would say…. he obviously wasn’t expecting any kind of joke at your expense or reference to you, he would not have asked you to open it if he was. This doesn’t indicate a ongoing lack of respect to you.

The video is incredibly offensive and in poor taste. But I think it’s just that. Her poor taste.

How are things going now, @Strawberries86?

I'd tell him that I want him to end his friendship with her, and mean it. That he has to choose. I'd say he chooses to completely end their friendship, or it's over. You need to give him the ultimatum. She's dangerous.

I question his taste in friends, OP! She’s not only insulting you, very openly. I think most women would be disgusted by this ‘joke’. All I could say to her is “Stay classy”.