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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To announce pregnancy at birthday party

364 replies

MyJollyLion · 13/10/2024 15:01

My mother is having a party soon to celebrate a milestone birthday.

Husband and I have been TTC for almost a couple of years now, which mum knows about and is excited for. We’ve recently found out I’m pregnant, and the date of her party will be just after our 12 week scan, so we wanted to announce it at the party - nobody knows yet.

I’m youngest child and this will be my first baby. Mum has three grandkids already, all are young adults now and one of those has two kids too. Mum is very maternal and loves having babies and kids in the family.

I think she will be delighted for us but just wondering if it’s poor form to announce at her birthday party, is it like a lesser version of announcing it at a wedding or something.

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 13/10/2024 18:23

Yabu. You don't announce it at her party. What you could do is mention it to her and see what she wants to do. .

GanninHyem · 13/10/2024 18:25

For the love of god, don't make an announcement. I'm not even going to comment on framing it as a "special gift" but you don't need to stand on stage and tell the entire party in this way. Tell your mum, tell your relatives in convo, but don't make this into anything more than it is. I know it's hard to hear but people don't really care that much about your pregnancy and as much as you say your mother loves being a grandmother just allow her one day where she is being celebrated and is just her.

GivingitToGod · 13/10/2024 18:26

GoldenNuggets08 · 13/10/2024 15:13

It depends on your mother really. My mother and my MIL would both be absolutely thrilled to hear this news, and would both love being able to share it with everyone present at the party (they aren't the types to hold news for long 😅)... but seemingly there's others who would probably be annoyed and see it as "stealing thunder".... which side do you think your mam would fall into? And when would you tell your DHs side of the family?

Brilliant post. I assume that PILs will be at party too so all hear at same time.
I have the feeling that the announcement would bring exceptional happiness to your mum at her party but I am only assuming. You know your mum best.
I certainly wouldn't see it as stealing the show from your mum, it would be more like 'icing on cake'.
Trust your instincts OP and CONGRATULATIONS

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 13/10/2024 18:28

I had a distant family member announce her pregnancy at my dad's funeral as she wanted to make it a 'happy day'. She's very lucky I didn't punch her. Believe me, there was nothing on this earth that would have made my dad's funeral a happy day.

Moral of the story... there's a time and place to announce your pregnancy.

Tell your mum before the party - I'm sure she'll be delighted at your news. Enjoy giving her your news and then let her decide if she'd like to announce the news at her birthday party or whether she's happy for you to do it.

Either way... congratulations OP. Exciting times for you!!

TheBluntTurtle · 13/10/2024 18:30

It’s poor form to announce a pregnancy/ engagement etc at an event celebrating someone else. Even if you do it in conversation and not to the whole room it still shifts the attention and celebration from the person who the event is for. Your pregnancy will be what the event is remembered for, not your mums birthday.
i get that you are excited after TTC for so long, and I’m sure your family will be thrilled for you, but you also need to let your mum have her day too, as she will only be this milestone birthday once.

Rudicoolcat · 13/10/2024 18:30

@Whaleandsnail6 and @Dotto have it just right. Tell your mum before her birthday, then if she wants to celebrate the news of another grandchild in the family then she can share it.

However I would add that the temptation to make it very obvious, "oh, no I'm not drinking today, but I can't tell you why...😉" will be strong. I've witnessed this fuckery so pleased don't give in to that. Congratulations to you though.

EnfysHeulenEira · 13/10/2024 18:34

So selfish

TheBluntTurtle · 13/10/2024 18:34

Also I had a family member announce her pregnancy at her brothers wedding. It was the day before the wedding and not on the big day but it still shifted the focus and attention of the weekend to her and away from her brother and his new wife, which wasn’t very nice. She could have at least waited until after the wedding day at least.

PlantDoctor · 13/10/2024 18:35

@MyJollyLion Regarding the following:

"I don’t know what some people are thinking I mean by “announce” - I get the vibe some are imagining some kind of very self-centred type thing that you’d expect from some kind of social media influencer or something - that’s nothing like what we have in mind. It would be done very much in the context of a “special gift” for her"

I really think this will just make the focus of your mum's party on you, as the family will be all excited and fussing over you. You obviously care a lot about your mum, so while I'm sure she will be thrilled for you, I do think it's best to tell her before the party.

Not trying to be mean, just stating my thoughts as you asked for them. Congratulations on your pregnancy x

DreamW3aver · 13/10/2024 18:35

Penguinmouse · 13/10/2024 18:04

Let your mum enjoy her party. You could tell her beforehand so she doesn’t make a thing about you drinking but the day is about her.

Unless anyone is following the OP round all night how will they know what she is or isn't drinking. Its not rocket science to be able avoid actually drinking any alcohol at a party.

Why would the mum make a thing of it?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 13/10/2024 18:36

'For older generation who may not have had a chance at a career etc and are more family focused '

Gosh ! I thought this was going to be a 50th or maybe 60th big birthday, not a 80th or 90th...

you do know that people in their 60's went to university and had careers, don't you...

Hotaircacoon · 13/10/2024 18:38

We had a similar situation. We told grandma about her first grandchild on the way privately a week before. She then said she wanted to announce the pregnancy herself at her milestone birthday ❤It was lovely.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/10/2024 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you as rude as this in real life?

llamalines · 13/10/2024 18:44

It's great you're considering your mum's feelings. TBH none of us know what she'll feel about it.

She might want one day for herself, or she might be over the moon and want to tell the world.

The right thing to do IMO is to tell your mum in advance, which should be lovely in itself as it sounds like she'll be delighted.

Then ask her if she wants you / her to announce it at the party or if she thinks it best to do it a different time. Then you're giving her the choice and putting her feelings first.

Oh and, congratulations!

narns · 13/10/2024 18:47

OP maybe it would help if you clarify what you mean by announcing? Are you envisioning standing at the front and asking everyone to be quiet and telling everyone at once? Or letting people know as and when you chat to them throughout the evening?

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/10/2024 18:50

MumChp · 13/10/2024 15:06

It's her party not yours. Tell her the day before if you want to break the news ans get her permission to use 'her day'.

Such an odd way to think, where family is concerned and I assume this isn't the Royal family.

sprigatito · 13/10/2024 18:50

That depends entirely on your mum and how she is likely to feel about it. My mother would have pouted and tantrummed for weeks if one of us had done that to her. Personally I would be absolutely rapt if one of mine announced amazing news like this at my party. How do you think your mum would take it?

YOYOK · 13/10/2024 18:50

You’re making a big show of it at her event by doing a special gift. Just tell her before the party. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.

Daisydaisydaizee · 13/10/2024 18:52

Rarebitten · 13/10/2024 17:29

Are you new here? There is a significant minority on Mn who feel that family and friends should not get married or engaged on their wedding anniversary, birthday, or their children’s birthday or wedding anniversary, plus people who feel it’s a serious conflict of interest for someone to be bridesmaid at two different weddings in the same year because it ‘dilutes’ their attention. There are similar ‘ring fences’ around announcing an engagement or a pregnancy within a couple of months of their announcement, or getting married before someone who has got engaged after you.

Show quote history

It's not about the whole day. It's the fact op chooses her birthday party to make this announcement. Why not op do it right at the end of the day then?

There is nothing pathetic to be a little thoughtful about other people.

Thisismyusername3 · 13/10/2024 18:53

Yes I think don’t tell her at her party, tell her before. I feel like it’s much nicer for her to receive ‘the gift’ privately and then her actual party she will be celebrating herself and can tell everyone about her next grandchild, no doubt she will be mentioning it to everyone excitedly. I haven’t read all the posts but honestly I really don’t think it’s a good idea to do it at the party unless it is your party or your partners party, and that’s not me or anyone being rude but maybe you’re so excited you can’t see it would appear it’s not a great idea.

Daisydaisydaizee · 13/10/2024 18:55

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/10/2024 18:50

Such an odd way to think, where family is concerned and I assume this isn't the Royal family.

Show quote history

Why can't op tell a day before? Op cannot decide for her mother how she should feel. Op calling this news a gift or a surprise is op dictating how her mother should feel. Tell her a day before and let the mother share this gift in her party.

Sydneyoz · 13/10/2024 18:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 13/10/2024 18:59

PlantDoctor · 13/10/2024 18:35

@MyJollyLion Regarding the following:

"I don’t know what some people are thinking I mean by “announce” - I get the vibe some are imagining some kind of very self-centred type thing that you’d expect from some kind of social media influencer or something - that’s nothing like what we have in mind. It would be done very much in the context of a “special gift” for her"

I really think this will just make the focus of your mum's party on you, as the family will be all excited and fussing over you. You obviously care a lot about your mum, so while I'm sure she will be thrilled for you, I do think it's best to tell her before the party.

Not trying to be mean, just stating my thoughts as you asked for them. Congratulations on your pregnancy x

*I really think this will just make the focus of your mum's party on you, as the family will be all excited and fussing over you

Oh come on now, you know what it's like at family parties. People mingle, have a bit of a catch up conversation with people they haven't seen in a while, ask how they are, how are the kids, how's work, holidays, whatever. Mentioning that you're pregnant may bring a smile to their face but it's hardly going to set the room alightand turn the spotlight on you for the rest of the night, is it? People say congratulations, ask when it's due and whether you're going to find out what you're having, and that's generally all they're interested in before the conversation turns to other things. They might ask you if you're feeling ok or have had any morning sickness, but generally there's not much more to say, is there? Unless OP is glued to her mum's side for every guest her mum talks to then it really isn't going to be an issue.

Having said that, I would make it more special for my mum in OP's position and tell her separately a bit before the party. Maybe give her her birrthday present card, and then give her another card with the scan picture in or something. Then SHE can have the pleasure of announcing OP's pregnancy to her party guests

Unless OP is going to get the hump at that? Honestly, people are so up themselves these days. Such a sense of self-importance.

T1Dmama · 13/10/2024 19:00

As a mother I’d be upset to be told at the same time as everyone else hears!!
I think you should tell her the day before her party or on her actual birthday when it’s just you and your DH and her and your dad!
She might tell you she wants you to announce it at her party, or ask if she can announce it on your behalf… but this should be her decision to make

Purpleturtle46 · 13/10/2024 19:01

MyJollyLion · 13/10/2024 15:01

My mother is having a party soon to celebrate a milestone birthday.

Husband and I have been TTC for almost a couple of years now, which mum knows about and is excited for. We’ve recently found out I’m pregnant, and the date of her party will be just after our 12 week scan, so we wanted to announce it at the party - nobody knows yet.

I’m youngest child and this will be my first baby. Mum has three grandkids already, all are young adults now and one of those has two kids too. Mum is very maternal and loves having babies and kids in the family.

I think she will be delighted for us but just wondering if it’s poor form to announce at her birthday party, is it like a lesser version of announcing it at a wedding or something.

I would definitely tell your Mum first and ask her thoughts on announcing it at her party.