AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

Ah, I'm sorry it escalated to that and so quickly.

Have a chat with her to remind her of the boundaries and explain to her that this new development is not acceptable, and go back to reinforcing those boundaries.

It may also be worth stepping back from this group of friends for a while as your parenting styles are at odds, and it must be exhausting trying to manage all that.

I hope things get back in order soon 💐.

How can saying excuse me please be raising her voice? That's a perfectly normal thing to say

I am one of those parents who is quite strict with junk food. My child is treated in other ways and we are a very active family. We always set the expectation and when we do allow treats, it’s actually appreciated as a treat should be.

My daughter never has, and hopefully will never, tantrum because she can’t have something her friends have got. Going out with other families is easy because I’m not comparing myself to other parents and DD is already prepared she won’t always get the same as those around us. However, if she was to have a meltdown, I probably would project onto other parents and blame their choices. If you solve the tantrum/expectation issue you probably won’t even care about what others do.

"Most people have chronic illnesses from their 40s." I am not sure that this is true....further, not all chronic illnesses are caused by bad diet.

I agree OP. I actually have started to distance myself from a friend who I adore because every time we do a playdate she brings chocolate, ice cream or some other sort of junk food which my DD can't have. Also her playdates, if at her house, just involve putting the TV on even though they have loads of toys. It's a shame because she is truly lovely but I don't want to raise my child like that and it's just upsetting for my child to always be told no. Much easier to hang out with families that have similar values.

I was at a bday party yesterday and I felt bad for another mum. Her DD wanted a chocolate from her party bag and was told she had to save it for later, she then started crying and her mum walked away (just a few meters) to make a point. Fair enough imo. But of course soon enough other mums start fussing over the girl trying to cheer her up so her DM had to come back and pander to her by distracting her with games rather than just letting her learn to accept being told no (tbf she did hold the line on 'no more chocolate' although she got somewhat defensive about it).

Anyway you've clearly hit a nerve as people are simultaneously berating you for not allowing your kid to have all the sugar, and also for allowing your kid to have subway!

I wanna see a 9 year old who is the only one who doesnt get sweets, gifts etc. in a day out with friends and doesnt complain that its unfair.

Trust me its not fun to constantly be the fun police either, but unless you wanna distance yourself from the constant yes sayers it just sucks sometimes. I cant really distance myself, because its family. My kids are 8 and 10 now and they understand very well, that their cousins get everything and they wont. But believe me, this took many tantrums on days out.

Why? Most kids have occasional upsets due to difficulty managing emotions, hormone surges, tiredness or overwhelm, sensory overload etc. Very few behave perfectly all the time.

Feeding your daughter Subway for lunch is slightly at odds with the idea that you're 'better' at food than others. That you're average (i.e. on par with most parents who feed their children healthily most of the time whilst also allowing treats) is more likely. Being average in this scenario isn't a criticism btw, a balanced approached works best for most people.

Don't go out with your friends, you clearly don't like them much. My kids are older but at that age I'd let them have an extra treat if their friends were.
The shop thing wtf? If your daughter had screamed get out of my way now then I'd expect you to talk to her but she said excuse me which is perfectly acceptable and what I would say if I wanted to get past someone. Was she supposed to stand there for 10 minutes waiting?
I'm sorry but you don't have the right to judge your friends parenting. Just do you but personally I'd go a bit easier on your daughter especially when she's being polite.

I fail to understand how making healthier food choices is judging people to a higher standard.

The impact those foods have later on in life is clear for all to see. Especially in the teen years when they can decide themselves, you want them to realise spending money on that crap is wasting it.

But again if at home cupboards are rammed full with ‚treats‘ and when you‘re out and about the ‚treats‘ come too how do kids learn moderation?

hmm i have a 15yr so the smartphone thing will be tricky to navigate but the later they get online the better in my opinion

I’ve had friends like this. I do exactly as the OP does and tell my 7yo DS that no, he can’t have more just because everyone else is. He doesn’t meltdown about it and certainly doesn’t behave as the OP’s daughter did, demanding that I give it to him and pulling on my bag. And he has complex special needs that mean he attends a special school. But he understands that he can’t always have what he wants.

For the record though I do agree with the OP that the amount of crap being fed to kids is a disgrace and what used to be a ‘treat’ has now become a regular thing. That was a really unnecessary amount of food for one afternoon at the park!

We don't know OP is making healthier food choices, based on this one snapshot.

Yet you have made repeated demands and comments from OP to justify her parenting to you.

OP, I would ignore this thread now. It's the usual vultures out who are just keen to tear people apart and acknowledging them just fuels them..

As a teacher, I have seen first hand the impact too much junk food. Every year the amount of kids considered overweight or obese in year 6 is creeping up. The same for the amount of kids returning with 'urgent dental care required' slips in every single year group. So I'm not surprised by the apologists on here, the exact same excuses we hear from the parents when we have to raise it with them. It's poor parenting and yes I would absolutely judge anyone who ate that amount of food in that small a time frame as it's pure gluttony and a bad habit to teach kids.

You have proven you are very reasonable and reflected on your own choices and what you could do better. Although I fail to see how letting your child to have a subway sandwich and a cookie is comparable to the amount of junk the others hand. I thought it was a good example of moderation. Either way the majority of the people commenting are way more judgemental than you and nowhere near as reasonable so I would stop engaging with those posters.

I would he careful about how your labelling certain food choices as treats and junk food. Some of my friends have had massive problems eating too much sugar and UP foods as their parents were so strict with them as kids. A few of them have bad relationships with food as they were never taught to regulate there cravings. My DD8 would have been allowed to have as many 'Treats' as she wanted on a similar day out with friends but she probably would have stopped after the chocolate lolly and asked for a banana or something none sweet if she was still hungry.

I've tried to teach her it's about balance and she will often choose fruit and breadsticks over sweets and crisps (at home). Both options are available to her and it's good to see her making positive choices.

I'm merely asking OP to stop assuming superiority, which she continued to do.
OP started a thread criticising others, yet is surprised to hear some critique of her choices.

I’ve had similar in the past, OP. My DC go crazy if they have too much sugar, so we’ve always limited it. They’ve learnt that no means no and they know why we will say no to sweets even if their friends have them.
Same with buying random stuff - we turned up to a group trip to the theatre once. Friends were already there and the other kids had already all been bought a soft toy. DC naturally asked for one and I said no. The other parents looked at me like I was mad, but my DC have too many soft toys already and this wasn’t even a beloved show we were going to watch! This happened regularly on days out and there was one child in particular who would always be given over and above what anyone else would. DC came to recognise that “X gets whatever they want” and that it was too much.
I’m not afraid to say no to my DC, but clearly many parents are.

You need a ready strategy, OP. I used to meet my friend & her DC at the park or even my house & she'd turn up (late) with Macca's for them all as she cba making her DC a sandwich. My two had to watch them eat it. Then she'd order pizza to be delivered for dinner, and talk about it loudly.

My DC would ask why they couldn't have all that junk.... I just said families did things differently. We chose a healthy diet & to spend money on holidays, not take away. I didn't comment on friend's choices, only on why we made our own.

To be fair the OP doesn’t seem surprised at all to have her own choices critiqued and has said she accepts that while she has high standards for her child’s diet, there are other areas of her parenting that are less than ideal.

Tantrums are fine the odd bit is that at 9 she still thinks it works what's she getting from the tantrum? Attention, seeing you embarrassed? How are you dealing with it?

Just add about your no smart phones until she's 16 comment. That's just ignorant parenting - she's going to be too old at that point for you to have the relevant safety features on it and she'll suddenly have a whole new world opened up to her that you have not showed her how to navigate. She'll also end up missing out on socials etc as she will not know about them. Not having a phone can seriously impact a teenagers friendship.

I was once friends with a mother like you, thankfully we are no longer friends. Not because I fell out with her, but she fell out with me for being too kind and generous, how about that for you? That is the crazy shit no one talks to you about before having children, that that is actually a "thing"

She keeps saying she has high standards but also admitted she thought Subway was a good choice.
Subway is fine in moderation.
Donuts and crisps are fine in moderation.
We have no idea what the other parents feed their kids at times other than the day out, but it might be just as healthy or even healthier than OP. She's judging on a snapshot of a day out, which really tells us very little.

Why give the treat early hold it back next time and limit the crap with a healthy lunch or home made picnic subway is no better than any fast food the bread is full of sugar for a start.

The fact OP doesn’t think it’s ok for her child to have limitless amounts of junk food and will step in when she can see her daughter isn’t behaving, does show she has got higher standards.
Everyone has their own ways of parenting, when in a group setting it is ok, to say you don’t agree, due to, its involving your child.

Indeed. Phone at 16 will be doing her no favours. My older two had smartphones, with moderate controls and a lot of oversight on our part, from 12ish. We moved gradually, but reasonably quickly, to self-regulation wrt screen time. They're 19 and 17 now and admittedly on their phones/screens a lot, but have always maintained 'outside' interests and friendships (one is a volunteer firefighter and the other a gym regular and very talented cook who's heavily involved in a church group and plays percussion in the school band) and taken school/education seriously. They're also pretty savvy and critical of the online world.