AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

Oh no, I thought a Subway sandwich was alright so I've learnt something here.

But for me it was volume. 1-2 treats are fine but it was the constant in the bag and getting the next packet of crisps and donuts that was hard for me/DD to handle (i.e each child having x3 crisps x2 donuts x1ice cream and x1 lolly in 1.5 hours).

I do judge that as it's too much. At the same time I've learnt tips to parent better on this thread as was at a loss. I blamed them/society for 9YO DD's tantrum but she's too old to behave like that so I need to address that.

I understand why you think she had enough treats because it was more than enough but she may grow up to see it as restrictive and have issues once she has the freedom to decide for herself.

I agree that everything is fine in moderation.

OP seems to have a fixation on judging and being judged, she had said that this probably stems from her childhood and has obviously given that some consideration separate from this thread (she mentions talking to her sister about it).

So take the term "judging" out of the equation and what you have is a mum who is admitting that she struggled with her daughters behaviour, has looked at the day and one of the triggers seems to have been her friends getting lots of treats. Now she's asking for other people's experiences of this and how they moved forward.

It’s better to combine playdates with lunch where possible otherwise they will just gorge on shit.

You are not wrong. They are not wrong. We all do parenting differently and our kids all have their moments.

Unless their kids are severely overweight, have a very poor day-to-day diet or are generally very poorly behaved, then I'm assuming that you think your friends are adequate parents in general even if you're not necessarily aligned with them on their approach to days out. And I'm assuming that they think you're a perfectly good parent despite your DC having the occasional tantrum and you maybe making a fuss over things they would let go. So you're all ok parents, you just have different approaches on different issues and that's fine.

Personally I only do days out with friends where we have a fairly similar approach and we tend to agree the plan in advance. For example, we might all bring some snacks to share and then get an ice cream in the afternoon. If they're more restrictive than I am towards treats, then usually I say to my DC, "sorry we can't have an ice cream unless our friends are having one ". DC is normally happy with that as they know they'll get one later and they know that it's somewhat tasteless to eat treats in front of others who can't have them. If the friends are more indulgent, I normally let my DC have what the other children are having, but we wouldn't do frequent days out with them so the nutritional side wouldn't really matter.

I think you did right by saying nope to yet another ‚treat‘! And those who were taken aback are probably trapped into having to give more ‚treats‘ to avoid tantrums…

I also agree with a pp who said about wasting money on absolute rubbish loaded with sugar thats highly addictive and in the end is not a ,treat‘ for kids at all. Nutrition is being talked about all over the place nowadays and a lot of what we thought about these harmless sweet ‚treats‘ is not true they have a huge impact on health.
Perhaps you are more aware of just how bad these foods are.

The focus of a playdate should be on the activity and the friends to play with… but i suppose if the parents are also eating a steady stream of lollipops, donuts and crisps the kids will think this is normal.

I think being too restrictive can have a negative impact in the future but you absolutely aren‘t as she was allowed some of what was on offer.

In the end you should parent how you want to!

The mum who was constantly in her bag, did her child finish each item she gave them?

I had a friend who was constantly giving food and child would eat 2 crisps and leve the bag or one bite and leave the donut.

This annoyed me way more than the constant stream of food but I'm northern and cheap so don't like waste.

Said it way better than me, thank you.

All eaten.

She said "your Mummy did tell you" to something. She has a soft spot for my friend, they have a lovely relationship :)

She is definitely judging others to higher standards than herself. That's not nice to be around tbh.

It’s good to say excuse me, not so good to shout it at the top of your voice and expect the person to move immediately, that’s just impatience not good manners.It is good parenting to let your child know this and that’s not teaching someone to be a doormat, it’s teaching observation, OP has further explanation the person was an elderly man Just because someone says excuse me doesn’t mean the person isn’t being rude.The daughter is 9 years old not a baby, old enough to understand, yes sometimes you do need to wait a minute, to give someone a chance to move.

The nutrition information regarding Subway is widely available. It's essentially fast food marketed as something better. It's ok as a one off, as are lots of processed snack foods.

Fair point.

We are the parents who restrict device time & she won't have a smart phone until she's 16. So maybe we are going to make problems for ourselves. I'm glad I'm aware of it now so I can do something about it,

Swings and roundabouts,

I might have higher standards about food but I could do a lot better in other areas. Just life isn't it,

I know what you mean. My brothers kids get everything all the time and we spend time with them several times a week cuz we are godparents to each others kids.
Every time we are out: ice creams, sweets, crisps, a gift from the (zoo) shop or 2 if they cant decide. The tooth fairy doesnt bring 5€, she brings 20 and a small gift and a big gift and a bag of sweets 🤦🏻‍♀️
Different families have different rules. And im usually a little bit more lenient with my kids when out with their cousins.
Actually now at age 8-10 i just offer to take out the kids alone, then i can say no to all of them 😄

This kind of situation has affected who we socialise with.
Parents can absolutely give their kids all the raisins/juice/fizzy drinks/sweets they want. I don't want my children to have them.
In the same way, I don't buy them random crap on days out.
It's a case of different families/different rules. The easiest thing is to withdraw and find people more similar in outlook. It avoids these awkward situations.

I think 16 is possibly not realistic regarding the phone. DS had a phone much later than most of his friends, but was closer to 14. We must remember that phones are part of modern life, teaching how to use them safely is key.

I think the practical answer to this is that joint days out aren't the right place for these sorts of battles, and if the cost/quantity of available treats is such that it's likely to cause issues, then the best thing is to agree a common approach in advance or give the whole thing a miss. I don't agree with treating children differently on days out - for the purpose of the trip, a group of children are essentially a "family" and the kids naturally regard it as unfair if they don't get the same thing.

You've not said anything conclusive to suggest that you actually have higher standards though, you just think you do.

I think all you can do is gove dd a firm firm warning before going out what your boundaries are e.g. one treat food, no gift shop purchase and make it crystal clear that while her friends may get and behave in a certain way, under bo circumstances do you want to see that behaviour from her and should she start pushing boundaries at the day out, then you'll need to stop going out with friends because it's obviously not fair for either of you to be put in that position.

Explain that there are boundaries for areason and it spoils everyone's day if you have to constantly be the fun police and you wont be signing up for that privilege and make it clear that the ball is in her court. Yes, it sucks, you can acknowledge that. But this is a prime example of life not being fair.

I’d be judging the massive meltdown from your 9yo because you told her no.

I would assume there’s something else going on for a 9yo to have a meltdown about a snack.

I myself have had a junk food addiction in the past in my teenage years.
there we have it, you have an issue with food which you're now passing on to your DD.
Can you not see that your own parents controlled treats and likely led to your junk food eating?
You seem very focused on food, relax it was a day out, your DD is going to have issues when everything revolves spring what she's allowed to eat.