AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

This

Banning/not allowing/restricting arent teaching her how to handle things herself, how to moderate her own behaviour, how to recognise what is enough it is leading down a pathway

that said is there any ND going on yiu say she can’t read social cues

This - you're vilified as if you're cruel when other parents do this. Actually the child needed to learn to accept no. It's uncomfortable but such is life.

Yabu to expect that others will not have different tolerance levels to you. All of us have to decide what snacks/ treats our child has in the context of their day and to say yes/ no as we feel it's appropriate. I wouldn't be expecting a 9 year old to throw a tantrum over that at all. The other parents choice to kindly share treats and to go out together for something after isn't a bad decision on their part. In fact I'd argue that if I knew my child was going out and likely to have treats with friends I wouldn't be giving them subway for lunch beforehand so they could have their treats while they were out. They may have given their child healthy food all day to allow for the treats to happen at that moment in time. Or perhaps they just have a different treat threshold to you.

I also see nothing wrong with someone giving your child encouragement for saying excuse me, I don't really see how that undermines you. You were teaching her to wait but at the same time it's good manners that she said it in the first place. I actually see that comment as backing you up.

In terms of the witch comment my guess is that mum was picking her battles and may have had a conversation about it when they left your group. As a mother that's her call on how to handle that.

You sound super judgemental. I parent my child how I see fit and I respect others right to do the same. I also think there are certain scenarios where I'm more likely to let things slide a bit than others. Eg if we're at a party ds will have cake and ice cream. On an average day he only gets sugar from fruit and I'm strict on that. You're only seeing a snapshot of your friends parenting just as they only see a snapshot of yours.

Please stick with your approach OP, however recognising it is difficult. Don't stoop in a race to the bottom.

You will have your reward in a sense when your DD is a teenager and beyond, if nothing else.

The fact that the OP appears to be in the minority on this thread is quite eye opening and might go some way towards explaining why so many children are badly behaved in public in the UK.

Are you missing the existing 10 or so comments addressing this?

You think a subway and cookie is worse then 2 donuts, crisps and an ice cream?

Yes, Subway isn't the healthiest but at least it has salad in. Also OP thought it would be a treat to have Subway she didn't account for all the extras later in the day.

Eh?
Keep judging others on a snapshot while thinking unhealthy food is actually healthy?

Neither are ideal.
Both are a snapshot.

Yanbu at all OP, stick to your guns.

In these situations, when we got home, my DC got lessons on nutrition and what sugar does to your body. The tantrums soon stopped.

The "friend" that contradicted you in the shop would have really annoyed me, regardless of who was right or wrong.

I wouldn't be looking to spend time around them tbh, find some less invasive less judgy (staring) friends with a better idea of how to feed their DC.

You're asking me to think differently than I do about the food. I won't. I stand by that being too much junk food in a short space of time. But what I have learnt is I should be doing better myself rather than criticising others or society. I'm sure lots of parents felt superior to me when my child tantrums! I admit I did sound soap boxy at the beginning of this thread but I hope further posts help see that with some good responses from posters we got underneath the issue and I got some really helpful advice (and life advice!).

No her thread wasn't about criticising the other parents, she wanted advice on how she could handle it better. How was she meant to explain the situation without detailing what happened?
The daughter not being allowed junk food and the other being allowed it was a major part of what happened. And if she didn't explain it and then later did she would be slated for drip feeding!

This is a situation I have found myself in as a teacher frequently and increasingly as a parent now my toddler is becoming more aware and engaging with others. No matter how clear we make it on trip letter, to the class with a app messages we still have a few kids who arrive on a trip with a load of junk food. And the inevitable reaction from others is, 'why are they allowed it but not me?'

OP was asking how to negotiate this, doesn't mean she considers herself superior or a better parent. People are actually making their own judgements when coming to that conclusion.

All fair.

Subway isn't my first thought if a healthy meal but if you choose carefully it's not bad and a lot better than donuts. I think You can get whole meal bread and you can get wraps.

You are so right. I didn't like giving my boys fizzy sugary drinks when they were wee. Now my oldest adult son is addicted to Monster drinks.
🙄

The thing is, other parents don't exist to make your parenting easier.

A massive part of parenting is teaching your child what your boundaries are.

For example, your boundaries are way different to mine because if my 9 year old called me an evil witch, they'd be taken home immediately, not given a 'final warning'.

You just carry on parenting yours and be careful about those judgy knickers you wear.

They may end up strangling you in the future, when you're not coping with the teenage years and others are breezing through.

I'm not sure how you're out there judging other parents when your 9YO had a full on meltdown/temper tantrum over not getting her own way. Pot? Kettle?

Those other poor parents/children had to put up with this tantrum from a child definitely old enough to know better, your constant disapproving glares and your pointless correction over a non-event in a shop. Yours wasn't a perfect example of parenting by any stretch.

Not only might it explain why kids are badly behaved but also why so many have problems with weight and bad teeth.

I don't really care what other people do with their kids as long as it doesn't affect me but I'm happy to admit I judge parents who regularly give their kids too much junk food. It's lazy parenting just like letting kids have screen time for too long.

No, she was cross when she called her mother an evil witch because she didn't immediately give her daughter a second donut while she herself was eating.

I let my DD have a donut but I didn't let her have 2 donuts, an ice cream, lolly and 2 bags of crisps in 1.5 hours. It felt a bit much and made it trickier for my DD & me to moderate (DD wasn't actually hungry she said shortly after). It was more volume & constant stream over the actual having of a treat.

I gave them as examples (I know it sounds judgy) because I was reflecting on my own 'strict' approach & I wanted to know if they resonated with others. I've been called out a fair bit on this thread & taken on board.

I was ready to say YABU - but you’re not at all. That is far too much junk the other parent was offering. No wonder we’re a nation of fatties.

No.Are you?
I’ve read all the updates thank you and l still don’t think OP is being unreasonable.
She’s been answering all the questions, hasn’t been arguing, is not saying she’s perfect.

Again. I can judge the food. I can be judged for the tantrum. Both these things can exist. They don't cancel each other out.

I never said it was perfect. Read my responses. I could have handled better and have tips on this thread to do so.

It wasn't a pointless correction, were you there?

Quite. And overweight or obese by the end of year 6. I wonder whether this thread had gone any differently if the OP hadn't been out with a friend but with an indulging mother-in-law instead.

Your thread is interesting. I collected my 5 year old from school and in case she came out hungry I had a mini malt loaf in my bag ( not a good idea on reflection). I didn’t offer it and she didn’t say she was hungry and we would be home in about 20 mins. However, children of all ages were being offered snacks, some the giant share bag sized crisps. On the way home a neighbour gave her daughter and my granddaughter a drink in a plastic pouch. Kind, but not needed and the more you set these routines the more of a habit they become and we have serious problems with overweight people and the health issues they cause. I think you need clear ideas of treat times and when none treat food is the norm. You shouldn’t imo stop your daughter from having more or less what the other children have but you can help her to make choices for herself.

None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. As a parent you and your parenting style is always critiqued by others whether openly or not and parents take advice from different people - which is sometimes irrelevant as what is easy for some, is not easy for others. But then a lot is nurture not nature and you are right to try and do your best for your child.

I see your problem, but sadly this will be an issue that rinses and repeats as your child grows, it might be food now, but it will be comparing bedtime. clothing, activities, gifts etc to what others get.

You raise your child how you think is best, set expectations with your friends before you go out about snacks or specific issues in a tactful way and the same with your child.

As a child I was not allowed fizzy pop and if I was going to a party where there was pop, the parent was advised nicely beforehand that I wasn't allowed it (elder sisters teeth were terrible due to fruit juice and fizzy pop) . When I told my mum that all my friends had it, her answer was, "well that's up to their Mum and Dad but maybe their parents don't love them as much as I love you and want to keep you healthy and safe." My mum learnt from her mistakes (not that I am confident the dentist was right about my sister but....) I still had a paddy but you couldn't really argue with that and the message was that it was done for love.