AIBU to find it more challenging to parent because of other parents on days out

[LiarLiarKnickersAblaze]

Giving examples from yesterday, although there are more.

Parent of 9-year-old DD. Get to park to meet friends and their 9-year-old DCs. DD had a Subway with her DF for lunch which included cookie. Friend brought a bag of donuts for the kids, which she brought out after they had been running about for a bit. I said DD could have one as I didn't want her to be left out while friends were having a treat/it's Saturday (the other kids had also had food before meeting). Less than half an hour later we walk past a shop. The kids all want a treat from the shop and the other Mums say they can have a giant chocolate lollypop or ice cream. By this point I say DD can't have a treat as she's just had two but she can have some fruit or bread if she's hungry. She's upset so I compromise and say she can pick something for Saturday night movie.

Cue massive meltdown from DD as she says it's hard to watch her friends have a treat. It got harder as friends got out one bag then another bag of crisps then more doughnuts for their kids after that. And because I say no, even with calm explanations to DD about different parents different rules, I get the tantrums and the stares from friends like I'm unreasonable. However the tantrum and the feeling of unfairness passes, DD says she isn't actually hungry and plays again happily.

Similarly DD walked into the shop and raised her voice to say "excuse me" while a shopper was browsing where she wanted to go. I whispered in her ear privately that whilst it's good to say excuse me, sometimes you have to wait if people are browsing and say it a bit later and quieter if you need to. In my view she's 9, so is old enough to learn social cues. Cue overreaction from another parent I don't know (of toddlers) of "that's OK, well done for saying excuse me" to cancel out my parenting approach and makes me look mean.

All my friends relent with treats and behaviour if the kids push for it. One of them called their Mum and "evil witch" when she didn't get her snack straight away because her Mum was eating, to which she giggled and said "oh she doesn't actually mean it". My DD would be on final warnings to go home with that. One of the 9 YO pulled a slate tile off a mini house. Her mum told him to put it back but because it isn't enforced he doesn't do anything. I experience this in most parenting circles. Maybe I am a strict hag? Am I outdated?? Although I'm the youngest parent in the group by six years!! What can I say better in those moments to DD?

Thank you

But is not happy with any comments pointing out her hypocrisy?

@LiarLiarKnickersAblaze I’m glad you’re starting to recognise it as a “you” issue now. That takes a lot and can only be a good thing moving forwards. We won’t get things right 100% of the time (or even 75%!) but as long as we can reflect and look at where we are going wrong, things should turn out ok.

Your 9 year old is still having tantrums? Or is there ASD at play here as you mention a meltdown? Meltdowns are not tantrums and barring additional needs I’m shocked that your DD is still having public tantrums. She should have grown out of this stage a long time before now - and should be at the stage where when told no she understands it means no. I’d be fixing your own parenting before criticising others.

I massively respect my friends.

However I found the volume of junk food too much and led to my own problems of tantrums yesterday. However I just need to be better as a parent and upskill rather than blame society/friends.

I think you sound exhausting, sorry. I don't even see the issue here. Mountain of a molehill. Saying that "their poor choices impact your parenting" is super OTT. Also you're not exactly little miss healthy, Subway and a cookie is crap food.

100% I should be judged for my handling of DD's tantrum yesterday. It wasn't my finest moment.

Both judgments can exist but I don't think DD would have had the tantrum if it wasn't for the constant junk food they were getting. However good tips on this thread to deal with that.

This is a fantastic point, particularly the last sentence. I remember vividly, many years ago now, when I was out with my older two, who would have been about 5 and 3. They were both upset and crying about something. I'd soothed and reassured as far as I could. A woman came towards me and hissed 'both children crying - we know what kind of mother you are!' Some people act out the difficult feelings that arise when a child is distressed - and for many, many people, for many, many reasons, a child's distress is a 'trigger' of sorts - by directing the 'blame' at the parent, usually the mother. I think we do all act in anticipation of that judgement sometimes. It's not making that your primary consideration that's the difficult - but important - bit (and something which many people don't master).

But it was one day and you have no idea what their lives are actually like. DS was at a party recently and I let him have lots of cake and chocolate because it was a party and I knew he would get upset if I said no to more than just the birthday cake (he’s 3). An outsider will probably think I have no boundaries and he has an unhealthy diet. But in reality, he has one mini chocolate bar which he spreads out over the course of the week, and I’m more firm on boundaries. He understood it was a party and a treat and it hasn’t caused us any issues since.

You are being judgemental and very short sighted to judge them on just one day out.

You're still not acknowledging that you also fed your child junk food, in the guise of 'lunch'?

That's the right attitude. You can't do anything about them. Stop worrying about their kids.

You really do rate yourself don't you.

maybe unlike your DD their kids just watch a movie without needing snacks? ...better to have them during the day than before bed!

maybe they don't have the 'treats/snacks' your DD has other days.

hang out with like minded people, there are plenty of people that don't let their kids have constant snacks.

Maybe I'm reading differently, OP seems to be taking some things on board and others less so. I assume this is based on some comments ringing true and some not. She has acknowledged a number of areas for reflection and admitted to not being perfect in her responses.

Is the hypocrisy you mention the subway thing? I'm personally glad the thread didn't descend into a debate on the ills of subway. Yes, the bread is cake. I'm sure that was already on OP mind when she was managing the rest of the day.

I'm with you on the lack of upholding boundaries.

Your dd was absolutely right to say excuse me and clearly. She has as much right to walk down that part as the other person.however I wouldn't expect them to move out of the way for dd to stand where they were.

I agree about ridiculous amount of snacks but for 1 day I'd have let it go.

It's always very hard to parent when you are one with the stricter boundaries. I'm that parent with firm boundaries because I work in education and see the effect of not having them.

She's getting to the challenging years where she'll realise she's independent to you and really can do what she wants. Tricky years ahead!

Yes - I am fixing my parenting. I can still think the junk food was OTT. Both things can exist.

Yep! This is why I asked if OP’s DD was her first child, because the teenage years are going to be a long and rocky road for OP if having a different boundaries to other parents is causing this much distress.

Subway is fine in moderation.
Sweet foods are fine in moderation.
Neither are good choices from which to judge others, which is what OP continues to do. 🤐

I think that you have clear expectations of your parenting, based on experiences you had and don’t want to pass on to your daughter.

It is very hard for children to see others being given what they want. It could just as easily have been toys or clothes or whatever. You set boundaries, based on what you feel is best, but you can’t legislate for what others do and there will be times when you and she butt heads over it.

Having discussions and setting out expectations when things are calm, as has been suggested, may avoid some of the knee jerk responses.

You are right to want her to have healthy eating habits. That doesn’t mean no unhealthy foods ever, but it does mean that they aren’t the norm, or used to placate.

You're basing it on one snapshot.
We could perhaps write another narrative if we based the story around healthy lunch choices, and your daughter's s might be the worst in that scenario.

You are right but Mnet is full of women who are these awful parents.

It's also full of parents thinking they're choices are better than they actually are.