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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disappointed with husband over paternity leave

308 replies

Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 07:25

My husband goes back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks paternity leave and I’m really disappointed with the way it’s gone.

I had to have a C-Section so the first few days was relying on DH to do most things apart from feeding - he did not cope well with the sleep deprivation and got seriously grumpy and impatient so by day 5 I suggested he move into the spare room so he could get some proper sleep as he was unbearable and I couldn’t listen to anymore moaning about being tired. Despite being in a different room he’s still slept terribly apparently.

Most days he’s either done a few hours of work or found errands to run in the morning which have taken him via the golf club so I’ve been stuck in the house & we’ve not really spent any time together as a family as in the afternoon we’ve either had to take baby to be weighed or I’ve napped to catch up on sleep - my baby has very long wake windows so the nights have been exhausting.

The one time we tried to go out for a coffee, we ended up arguing and leaving the cafe before we’d even had chance to order.

Today is his last day before work tomorrow and he’s chosen to play golf. He’s already booked in golf Sat & Sun next weekend.

AIBU to have expected more ? He’s done a few chores round the house but nothing major and only what I would do daily anyway - my mum’s been the one who has done the hoovering and proper cleaning.

OP posts:

user1471556818 · 13/10/2024 09:57

You need to recover and don't think he will guess what you need him to do obviously he is crap imo.So calmly explain what his role is in this no accepting pitiful efforts and doing things for him cos it easier .
I suspect your relationship will never be the same it's such a tough time even when both are working together and supporting each other.I personally would be ensuring my career continues and my contraception was very robust moving forward .
Take care and you can do this

Nothatgingerpirate · 13/10/2024 09:57

Ryeman · 13/10/2024 08:36

Your OH is a dufus, but I think some of the comments are a bit harsh. Men aren’t very good at picking up subtle signs - you need to tell him what you expect (before the birth would have been better but it’s not too late). He’s likely completely oblivious and has no idea that he’s not met the mark. As pp said it’s a big period of adjustment for both of you.

Well....boohoo.
Men aren't very good at much, are they?
However, as a PP said, he better starts pulling his weight, otherwise he's gonna regret it.
I suppose he wanted this child.

Bumcake · 13/10/2024 09:58

I’d be more than “disappointed”. Does he not want to spend any time at all with his child?

ocs30 · 13/10/2024 09:58

Yes, the first weeks are a blur of terror, stitches, sore nipples and exhaustion, and arguments over how to do things, but we were both absolutely entranced by the tiny being that had just blown our life apart. Yes, life is different with subsequent children, but the first baby is the most profound change you'll ever make in your life. You can have all the conversations in the world with him about golf and keeping up his end of responsibilities, but I have to say, I'd find it hard to ever feel the same about a partner who behaved this way.

DysmalRadius · 13/10/2024 10:07

The thing is, aside from the practicalities of running a house with a new baby and recovering mum, doesn't he WANT to spend time snuggling his baby?

My husband didn't bugger off after our babies were born because he LOVED them and wanted to hold them and he didn't want to be away from us. He loved doing nappy changes and rocking them and singing to them - we basically fought over who was going to get to hold them for the first couple of months!

I'm sorry he's such a toad - this should be a really special time for all of you and he's just fucking it up for you and himself.

MoodEnhancer · 13/10/2024 10:07

Men who use paternity leave as personal holiday, rather than bonding with their baby and helping their wives are utter shits. I don’t have any particular advice, OP, but I just want to say that it’s absolutely fair for you to be angry and that you need to confront this now or it will continue as he will think it’s normal/fine. Your marriage, and children, will suffer the consequences of his behaviour if it isn’t fixed soon.

Bansheed · 13/10/2024 10:09

I hate golf for this very reason. It lets men avoid family responsibilities for hours.

Also, threads like these want me to scream that for all the women who say it is 2024, all is equal now, it really isn't

needavice888 · 13/10/2024 10:13

I am utterly baffled by all the comments that OP should explain it all to DH. He is a fully functioning grown up man. Why do people assume he is lacking understanding and needs explaining? He knows what he is doing. He is a lazy, sexist pig. But it suits him! How do people think 'explaining', 'communicating' etc will change who he is at core?

Zanatdy · 13/10/2024 10:16

Golf both days on the weekend? You need to put your foot down, this is his baby too and you will need help on the weekend. He clearly isn’t concerned about your recovery or the fact you might need his support on the weekend. I’d be telling him that he has a child now, so he cannot be playing golf every weekend, let alone both days.

user1471538283 · 13/10/2024 10:17

I had one like this. There was always something to do that meant he couldn't do anything at home during the day or night. He saw me drown and get PND. And then he wanted another baby ...

My DF didn't have paternity leave but the second he was home he looked after me and the home. He saw his own father do the same with his little sister.

I don't get it. He should want to do it. But some men just don't and then wonder why they don't have a relationship with their DC.

Kisskiss · 13/10/2024 10:17

Paternity leave is NOT meant for playing golf. My husband was pretty annoying too but yours is even worse. Needs a proper discussion or his attitude is going to continue for the next few years and will be absolutely unbearable.
nip in the bud now…

WimbyAce · 13/10/2024 10:18

I think you have already started down a slippery slope letting him sleep in the spare room and nipping off to play golf. You need to nip this in the bud NOW. I hate the way some men think that they are the only person tired and the mother just somehow has to suck it up.
When we had our babies we did sleeping shifts overnight so we each knew when we were responsible for looking after baby. Even when my partner went back to work he stayed up until 1am so that I could sleep 5 hours solid between 8 and 1.
You really need to set boundaries now as some men will just do as much/little as they can get away with and this will just continue into the coming years.

thingymijigi · 13/10/2024 10:18

This is the time when you really see what they're made of.

I went through something similar in the first 2 weeks and we ended up separating. He couldn't put anyone elses needs before his own. It took a couple of years of him coming and going as he pleased before I put my foot down. Now he sees them twice a week and It's always an effort and he classes it as 'helping me out' rather than parenting.

I coped by not allowing his selfish behaviour to spoil the most precious and special time in my life. I switched to being a solo parent from very early on and any 'help' he gave was a bonus. You can't force them to 'parent' unfortunately but ultimately they are the ones that miss out.

Bestyearever2024 · 13/10/2024 10:18

How do people think 'explaining', 'communicating' etc will change who he is at core

Honestly? I don't think explaining it will help and its awful that she has to. And he will only change if he chooses to

However, for me, you don't end a marriage without providing the opportunity for your partner to change

Kisskiss · 13/10/2024 10:19

needavice888 · 13/10/2024 10:13

Because if you don’t do it then nothing will change . So then it’s leave or go mad yourself. Is it not worth a shot trying to improve things first rather than divorce at the drop of a hat…

Allthehorsesintheworld · 13/10/2024 10:19

Tell him the following weekend he’ll be looking after baby and the house as you’ve booked a full day out Saturday and a full day out on Sunday, just for you.
His reaction will tell you how he views fatherhood.

kittylion2 · 13/10/2024 10:20

Also, threads like these want me to scream that for all the women who say it is 2024, all is equal now, it really isn't

Yes @Bansheed I was just coming on to say similar. Had my babies 37 and 40 years ago and I could have written the OP's post, except for the golf - he just went out and did other things. Didn't even realise the baby had woken up in the night several times. As I was breastfeeding, there was no question of him helping in the night, as he said - what was the point? But when I was frazzled in the morning, and he said baby had a good night didn't he, and then went out for 4 hours to buy a VCR and visit some friends on the way, I realised that he considered his life hadn't changed at all. It was a low point.

With the second, I was ill and had to stay in bed (fully responsible for the baby of course) but he had to look after DC1 who was still waking - well it knocked holes out of him and he was really annoyed and grumpy that a 2-year-old was still waking in the night. Why hadn't I sorted it out better?

He was better with them when they were toddlers onwards, but the baby years were grim.

But yes, it is very disheartening to hear that the same thing is happening nearly four decades later.

Gettingbysomehow · 13/10/2024 10:21

What an absolute prick. That would be the end of the relationship for me. I can't stand men who play golf anyway they are usually absolute morons.
When I look at Dsis husband and the loving care he gave her and his new baby and your H. Polar opposites. Your H isn't worth keeping.

Kisskiss · 13/10/2024 10:22

Btw, is this a common thing here? I’m not British originally and my friends who married husbands from our country, they don’t have this problem as tasks are shared and the attitude is not like this. My husband is British and my friends who have married British are sort of encountering the same issues as myself.
there’s some weird attitude of the woman does all the kid and house stuff ( even if she has a job and works full time too) . Their mums were sahms and never held a job so I wonder if it’s that, or if it’s them thinking they are hotshots because of their jobs ( they are not such amazing jobs, but they are jobs where you have people sucking up to you all day)

WimbyAce · 13/10/2024 10:26

I am assuming this is a first child which means a huge change for both of you. There always seems to be an assumption that mum will just adapt immediately to this new way of life which is not the case at all. Of course it needs to be a team effort. Don't be afraid of being honest with him and telling him what your expectations are. If it results in an argument then so what? You will soon find out if he is cut out for fatherhood and whether actually he is bringing anything to the table. Don't tiptoe round him.

DecafDodger · 13/10/2024 10:31

As he’s always been a golfer you must have always been spending large amounts of time alone on the weekend. A little unrealistic to have imagined he was going to change that without any discussion.

I had many hobbies I spent hours on before babies. Oddly I don't remember DH sitting me down to discuss that this may not be feasible with a newborn..

Comtesse · 13/10/2024 10:32

Mate, have the argument about golf. You can’t skirt around it, he is going to try and weasel out of it, but take it head on.

His behaviour is unreasonable. You just had a baby plus abdominal surgery - he needs to step up right now! Do not apologise for needing his help.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 13/10/2024 10:33

Geranen · 13/10/2024 09:39

Bullshit. He may have gone back to golfing afterwards (though a non-wanker would cut down) but paternity leave is for him to bond with the baby and support his wife's recovery.

Show quote history

I don’t think you understood my post. That’s clearly my point also.

Nanny0gg · 13/10/2024 10:54

Boymumtobe09 · 13/10/2024 09:04

Ironically my husband wanted to have children a few years ago and it was me that wasn’t ready !!!

Ive tried to raise the issue of golf but he gets so defensive about it, then it ends in an argument.

When he’s back I’m going to try and have conversation about it - and also just start telling him what needs doing. I’ve tried not to come across as nagging but he clearly needs a lot of direction

I don't know where to start.

He's thoughtless, he's selfish and he has no desire to learn how to be a father or a halfway decent partner

Do friends/golfing partners have children? Are they as selfish?

Has he family who can point out how awful he is?

I'm really sorry. This is not how new parenthood should be

Before this, was it a partnership? Does he share chores equally? Is money equal?

I can't believe there weren't signs of his awful attitude before

LeCygneNoir · 13/10/2024 10:55

He’s a dick. Sorry you’ve only found this out now.

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