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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Controlling or not?

140 replies

SkinnyP · 12/10/2024 17:43

Husband moans a lot. Moan moan moan.
Last night 16 year old DD wanted to go to a concert in the next town around 5 miles away.

She hardly goes out, she's at home a lot so she asked if I could take her and pick her up at 9pm. I said yes.

My husband is my DD step dad. I car-share with my Husband. He rang me at work absolutely fuming that I had agreed to take her and pick her up. Saying she's 16 needs to make her own way etc. She gets anxiety getting the bus etc.

I said I'm taking her end of story, she doesn't ask often.

My DD then rang me as he told her that I couldn't take her as he was taking the car and he wouldn't be home. I told her to ignore him and I would be taking her.

I was absolutely raging. I still am today. I haven't spoken to him hardly! He then asked "you due on your period or something?"

I'm starting to resent him.

We are out tonight for a preplanned meal. Already he's moaned about someone has messed with the wing mirror in the car, I was cold so had the heating on, he moaned at that cos he was 'burning up' so turned it off, then the sat nav women was annoying!

I feel like I'm walking round with a cloud of doom over my head. I feel like I'm going mental.

OP posts:
MrSeptember · 12/10/2024 17:45

He sounds horrible. I have no idea if it's controlling behaviour or just wanker behaviour. I think most of us would drive a 16 year old to a concert in another town. What doe she add to your lives?

LyingPaintSample · 12/10/2024 17:47

How dare he ring her and override your offer of a lift!!

Do you ever get away from him? And how does it feel when he's not there? That's what made me realise... I felt better when he wasn't there, involved in destroying our plans or bringing everyone down with his shitty attitude.

thistimelastweek · 12/10/2024 17:48

Doesn't matter what his intention is, he's a drag. A joyless drag.

And he's going to drag you down with him if you let him

NowImNotDoingIt · 12/10/2024 18:52

What are the benefits of this relationship?

I can definitely see a lot of negatives, for you and your daughter.

ahemfem · 12/10/2024 18:54

He is weirdly jealous of you doing anything for your daughter I would leave him. This is not good for her.

WhatIsThisTomFoolery24 · 12/10/2024 18:55

He sounds awful.

SoDemure · 12/10/2024 18:57

He sounds controlling and miserable.

But you also need to address your DDs anxiety about getting the bus (although no harm in pickingher up from the next town late at night). But anxiety over taking the bus generally is also concerning.

TheRomanticOutlaw · 12/10/2024 18:59

taking your 16 year old daughter to a gig in another town is normal parent behaviour. Him being so annoyed about it that he tells her that he'll have the car so she can't have a lift is not. Petty and trying to get his way. He sounds awful, now wonder you feel the way you do.

OhMaria2 · 12/10/2024 19:01

Do you like this guy? Does your daughter?
Is it worth keeping him around?

BobbyBiscuits · 12/10/2024 19:02

He sounds very difficult and not fun to be around. I think his car seems to be a bone of contention. Could you not have got your daughter and her mates to split the cost of a taxi? Then the same on the way home? Even if it means they all crashed at one person's house at the end of the night?
I'd try not to rely on him for transport as he's just going to be a dick about it.

Newdaynewstarts · 12/10/2024 19:03

His attitude towards your dd is disgraceful. What a pathetic way for a man to behave towards a child. Please don’t let him make her resent you for not telling him to shut the f up and back the F off.

TheRomanticOutlaw · 12/10/2024 19:03

When did he get like this? was it sudden, or has he just gradually evolved into this misery? I'm assuming he hasn't always been like this.

RickiRaccoon · 12/10/2024 19:04

I don't know if it's controlling but he's definitely moody and deliberately upsetting others and dragging them into his misery with him. Had he always been like that? Some people do turn into miserable *s as they age.

I HATE that period question. Unless you have form for actually being influenced by your hormones at particular time of the month, it's misogynistic -- suggesting women aren't allowed emotions without attributing them to their periods/ hormones. Essentially he's allowed to be a grump but you're not.

TheRomanticOutlaw · 12/10/2024 19:08

RickiRaccoon · 12/10/2024 19:04

I don't know if it's controlling but he's definitely moody and deliberately upsetting others and dragging them into his misery with him. Had he always been like that? Some people do turn into miserable *s as they age.

I HATE that period question. Unless you have form for actually being influenced by your hormones at particular time of the month, it's misogynistic -- suggesting women aren't allowed emotions without attributing them to their periods/ hormones. Essentially he's allowed to be a grump but you're not.

Me too, the one question that's probably going to make a woman feel stabby, whether she's having a period or not.

Original poster
SkinnyP · 12/10/2024 20:17

I just feel embarrassed all the time. We are out for a pre planned meal. My daughter had her friend over to stop. It's few and far between when her friends come to stay, it isn't every weekend.
In front of our friends he openly says look at her having her friend stop, going behind my back are you! It's embarrassing.
She's a good kid rarely goes out or has anyone over.
The table went silent. Everyone didn't know were to look.

OP posts:
Imbusytodaysorry · 12/10/2024 21:00

He is a bully and nasty .
How long has your Dd had to put up with this man ???
are you happy ? Can you leave ? Do you want to leave ?

I feel sorry for your Dd. I really do .

Imbusytodaysorry · 12/10/2024 21:02

SoDemure · 12/10/2024 18:57

He sounds controlling and miserable.

But you also need to address your DDs anxiety about getting the bus (although no harm in pickingher up from the next town late at night). But anxiety over taking the bus generally is also concerning.

She is probably a nervous wreck living with her bully of a step dad . Can’t say he will be doing much for her confidence !!

TheReturnOfFeathersMcGraw · 12/10/2024 21:02

SkinnyP · 12/10/2024 20:17

I just feel embarrassed all the time. We are out for a pre planned meal. My daughter had her friend over to stop. It's few and far between when her friends come to stay, it isn't every weekend.
In front of our friends he openly says look at her having her friend stop, going behind my back are you! It's embarrassing.
She's a good kid rarely goes out or has anyone over.
The table went silent. Everyone didn't know were to look.

She needs you to get him out of her life asap

LittleGreenDragons · 12/10/2024 21:08

He is bullying her, no wonder she is anxious.
He is controlling you, no wonder you feel unsettled and "mental".

This man is not a good man, are you able to break away?

AgainandagainandagainSS · 12/10/2024 21:08

TheReturnOfFeathersMcGraw · 12/10/2024 21:02

She needs you to get him out of her life asap

Show quote history

This.
Horrible man. I wouldn’t want my 16yo getting the bus alone in the dark and cold after a concert when we have the option to pick her up.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 12/10/2024 21:10

It really is time to choose... Please opt to save your relationship with your dd..... Ime he is a cunt who will only get worse....

offyoujollywelltrot · 12/10/2024 21:24

He sounds like a right miserable wanker. I wouldn't be living with that. Get rid.

Original poster
SkinnyP · 13/10/2024 01:03

RickiRaccoon · 12/10/2024 19:04

I don't know if it's controlling but he's definitely moody and deliberately upsetting others and dragging them into his misery with him. Had he always been like that? Some people do turn into miserable *s as they age.

I HATE that period question. Unless you have form for actually being influenced by your hormones at particular time of the month, it's misogynistic -- suggesting women aren't allowed emotions without attributing them to their periods/ hormones. Essentially he's allowed to be a grump but you're not.

He's always been a bit of a moaner but it's gotten worse.

I've just told him on the way home I'm really starting to dislike you. I was freezing cold in the car, I was driving, I only had a little jacket on after being out for a meal so I turned the heater on. I was actually shaking.

He turned the heater off. He was sat there in a coat. I turned it back on and said I'm absolutely freezing! His response how the heck can you be freezing!!! He turned the heater off. A 40 min car journey home and I was absolutely frozen.

His response now is to not f@ckin speak to him because I told him im really starting to dislike him. He said that's all he needed to hear.

No wonder the way he makes me feel. Embarrassing me at a table in of people saying I've gone behind his back cos my DD has a friend over whilst we were out!

My friend who we was out with said he was out of order for saying that at the table, and said what's the problem, teenagers hang around with their friends? When I told him, he said she will stick up for you cos women stick up for women!

He's gone and slept downstairs absolutely raging because I told him, I'm really starting to dislike you.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 13/10/2024 01:09

He sounds like a grumpy horrible git. They want to make everyone around them as miserable as they are.

KillerTomato7 · 13/10/2024 01:11

You should leave him and find someone who isn’t an awful human being in every respect.