Controlling or not?

[SkinnyP]

Husband moans a lot. Moan moan moan.
Last night 16 year old DD wanted to go to a concert in the next town around 5 miles away.

She hardly goes out, she's at home a lot so she asked if I could take her and pick her up at 9pm. I said yes.

My husband is my DD step dad. I car-share with my Husband. He rang me at work absolutely fuming that I had agreed to take her and pick her up. Saying she's 16 needs to make her own way etc. She gets anxiety getting the bus etc.

I said I'm taking her end of story, she doesn't ask often.

My DD then rang me as he told her that I couldn't take her as he was taking the car and he wouldn't be home. I told her to ignore him and I would be taking her.

I was absolutely raging. I still am today. I haven't spoken to him hardly! He then asked "you due on your period or something?"

I'm starting to resent him.

We are out tonight for a preplanned meal. Already he's moaned about someone has messed with the wing mirror in the car, I was cold so had the heating on, he moaned at that cos he was 'burning up' so turned it off, then the sat nav women was annoying!

I feel like I'm walking round with a cloud of doom over my head. I feel like I'm going mental.

This is all about control and power. Please don't give it to him

It was dark and there have been some idiots recently where we live throwing fireworks etc and I wanted obviously for her to be safe. She was going to a bloody concert for goodness sake. It took me 15 minutes to collect her.
I feel I have to justify and explain reason as to why I agreed to take and collect her.

He doesn't seem like he likes you or your daughter very much

You should keep the car from now on and tell him to take the bus. If it's alright for a 16 year old girl on her own at night, it's should be fine for him.

All his sexist insults and he strops off downstairs like a child.

Please think about leaving him. You and your daughter would be so much happier.

Time to set this dead weight free. You'll be much happier without this negativity in your life.

I'm just so upset for me and my DD.
Can anyone give me any insight how their husband/partner would have reacted to both the situation about the lift and the heater in the car? Just so I can get some perspective?

I always end up feel like I'm exaggerating or "carrying it on" because that's what I get told.

He is not a good man. I feel so sorry for your DD.

Can you split up easily? I reckon you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted if you get rid of him.

Tosser.

He sounds awful OP, he’s only going to get worse. Your poor DD living with him, he obviously doesn’t like her. I would look into if the relationship is worth it, he sounds nasty and controlling. it’s both your car not just his, and I agree it shouldn’t be a problem to pick up your own dd if you want, or have the heating on in the car just to get warmed up a little!! I’m furious for you on the heating thing!! I would have switched it back on!! Would he ever become scary if you didn’t toe the line?

@SkinnyP you said you car share - so you do need to check in with each other that the car is available? Did you buy it between you or was it his or yours? Do you fill it with fuel after you use it? Or does it fall to him? Perhaps he was annoyed about you using it and he always ends up filling it. So I could understand that being frustrating.

The rest of it? I’d dump him, he sounds awful. Sorry.

He's simply not a good man or role model for you or your DD.

You've admitted to him that you don't like him, and he's sulking.

Honestly, you need to divorce this piece of faecal matter because he's seriously destroying your (and your DD's) mental health ffs !

Even simply witnessing how he speaks to you both will undermine her confidence as a female, and give her the idea that he's 'right' because she watches you 'put up with' his abusive behaviour !

He is a selfish, arrogant, ignorant prick, with zero redeeming features and a whole truckload of misogynistic behaviours and 'beliefs' ffs !

You need to get your finances and housing sorted and then divorce this abusive prick asap !

If my partner spoke to me or my DD15 like that he would be an ex.

Hes clearly a misogynist from what you have written.

No not at all. We both pay for the car joint account. We both pay for the petrol as it comes out the joint expenses.
But, if I say for example, I'm going to nip here, he will question me saying what you going all the way there for etc etc. Because of the petrol I'm using.
I asked to get a little run around he said no we cannot afford to run two cars.

He doesn't actually care about you and your daughter. His wants and needs come first, he argues your needs down and decides for you what you should want and need. It is abusive.

My late husband could be a selfish controlling prick. If I did something minor to displease him, or had the temerity to stand up to him, he would "punish me". One of the few ways he could do this was by hiding the car keys so I couldn't use it. Once he even put a big chain round the steering wheel/pedals so that I couldn't drive it. He would be nasty, even to our two teen DDs. He started telling them to 'fuck off out of it' when they were late teens, and they would ask me when we were going to leave and move out. I finally found the guts to do it in 2021and it was the best, most peaceful time of our lives.

Seriously OP, if you can, leave this sorry arse. He has no respect for you or your DD and it actually sounds as though he dislikes you. You'll feel such relief when you're not having to deal with this.

I will add, if it was a case of driving one of our DDs somewhere, he'd be grateful it was me doing it and he didn't have to get up off his lazy arse.

I asked to get a little run around he said no we cannot afford to run two cars.

So you always allow him to have the final say?

Does he ask you if he wants to use the car to go somewhere, or is he the big Man who can do as he pleases?

I'm sorry you're second guessing yourself.

i, and my dh, and most of the people i know, would do the same as you and agreed to get dd. My dh is not my kids dad and he would offer to get them if i couldn't.

not because he's extra nice, because he cares about me and my kids and there's a basic level of decency.

your partner makes out that you're overreacting because he's mean spirited and thinks everyone else must be. You will never get him to see why you or your daughter deserve basic decency or kindness because at his core you're not as important as his petrol or his comfort.

any nice thing he does is transactional and with a view to getting something back m

you don't need 'a good reason' to finish it, you dont need to get him to understand or agree, you don't need his permission.

i don't really like you anymore is valid and enough. The whys and accusations and demands for explanations will explode because he'll be angry the subordinate has dared to challenge him but just stick with the simple fact that you don't think this is working

My DH would prioritise DD's night out and safety,

My DH would be glad our DD had friends round.

My DH would put up with having the car heating on if I was cold, even if he wasn't.

Your DH sounds miserable, and bordering on controllingly abusive, OP.

Can you picture yourselves enjoying old age and grandchildren together?

How would my dp have reacted?

it wouldn’t have crossed his mind to even think twice about anything I do for my DDs. We also share a car. In fact he’d probably have offered do pick her up to save me the trip because he’s kind.

re the comment in the restaurant, he wouldn’t have said that because he’s not a dick.

re the temperature in the car he’d prioritise my comfort over his own and probably have Turned the heat up. He might have made a lighthearted comment about me being a chilly mortal and offered To let me warm my feet on him in bed.

He would never ever on pain of death ask if I was due on because a. He values his in life, and b He’s Not a misogynist

Hes just a genuinely nice bloke. And in return I’m nice to him because I like him. As well as love him. I wouldn’t like him if he behaved like yours has the last 24 hours.

The lift.

He'd probably have said "do you want me to do one way"?

He's not her Dad. She's 15.

The heater.

He'd probably have pointed the fan away from himself or unzipped his coat.

His behaviour is not normal. You don't have to live like this.

Me and dh had lived together a year. Been together 3....i shared dc with exh. One day a teen ds declared he wanted to live full time with us.
I rang dh and told him . He went to collect ds and all of his stuff. No conversation ever too place. He simply added ds to our home full time without a second thought.
Ime your man needs binning....

He is a truly horrible and keenly misogynistic cunt. Please save you and your daughter from his repulsive presence.

There is no sense of perspective here other than how you are experiencing the situation, which is that this man is seeking to limit your DD’s activities and social life; he is undermining you as her partner and also controlling your environment.

i cannot tell you how my partner or husband would behave as I don’t have one; having left my ex for similarly seeking to control my household and interactions with my DD. I will say this loud and clear, he has no right at all to reverse decisions you have made to support your DD. Genuinely, I wonder if her anxiety would lessen if this man was not in her space, criticising you and her. You need to get him out of your lives.

My dh, who is a big worrier about money, but not tight, will drive into the city (30-40 mins each way) to pick up our 19 yr old son when the wait for the bus is more than 30 mins. He does the same drive later to pick me up from uni and we enjoy the time to talk.

His reaction is not normal and not ok

You need to put your daughter first and leave this abusive pos.

You are setting her a terrible example staying with him and forcing her to live in this dreadful environment