Controlling or not?

[SkinnyP]

Husband moans a lot. Moan moan moan.
Last night 16 year old DD wanted to go to a concert in the next town around 5 miles away.

She hardly goes out, she's at home a lot so she asked if I could take her and pick her up at 9pm. I said yes.

My husband is my DD step dad. I car-share with my Husband. He rang me at work absolutely fuming that I had agreed to take her and pick her up. Saying she's 16 needs to make her own way etc. She gets anxiety getting the bus etc.

I said I'm taking her end of story, she doesn't ask often.

My DD then rang me as he told her that I couldn't take her as he was taking the car and he wouldn't be home. I told her to ignore him and I would be taking her.

I was absolutely raging. I still am today. I haven't spoken to him hardly! He then asked "you due on your period or something?"

I'm starting to resent him.

We are out tonight for a preplanned meal. Already he's moaned about someone has messed with the wing mirror in the car, I was cold so had the heating on, he moaned at that cos he was 'burning up' so turned it off, then the sat nav women was annoying!

I feel like I'm walking round with a cloud of doom over my head. I feel like I'm going mental.

Making threats or intimidating is another form of control. [Edited to add: plus this is another example of him monitoring your DD’s behaviour and behaving in a hostile way).

This sounds so much like my ex. I was in a relationship with him for 20 years from the age of 18 years old & the coercive control gradually creeps up on you & before you know it you’re walking on egg-shells. He used to tell me I was ‘too sensitive’ so I totally understand doubting yourself & seeking assurances from others that this behaviour is not normal.

I’m now in a relationship with a lovely man who actually likes me & cares about me. He would drive anywhere to pick me or my daughters up & doesn’t make me doubt myself or feel like I’m going crazy. That’s how it should be & you deserve to be with someone who values, loves & respects you.

OMG that is abusive. You need to get your DD away from him.

How did you manage to finally get the courage to leave? Was you okay on your own? Did you get to a point where you had just had enough? If you don't mind me asking.

He cheated on me & I finally realised I deserved better & that life is too short to be unhappy. I look back now & can’t believe how much I tolerated, but when you’re in the middle of it it’s so hard to see things objectively & you doubt yourself when they’re telling you it’s your fault.

Only you can decide if enough is enough, but all I can say is that leaving was the best decision I ever made. I was on my own with my daughters for a year & it was extremely liberating to realise that I can do it on my own. I subsequently met a lovely man & have realised this is what it’s meant to be like! He’s nice to me & I’m nice to him! I don’t have to tiptoe around him or worry about his reactions. All I can say is that being on your own or with someone else is infinitely better than being in a relationship where you’re constantly doubting yourself. Big hugs whatever you decide x

I know you weren't asking me but I'm going to give you my unsolicited advice anyway.

As a PP said, leaving is a process. It doesn't have to happen immediately, you can take your time to mentally and emotionally detatch and practically 'get your ducks in a row' as they say on here. The first step is an awareness of what's going on and knowing you deserve better. Then you can start to educate yourself and gradually manoeuvre yourself into a better position to leave.

For me, there was a violent incident that was a real wake up call. But it took me another year after that to actually leave. In that year, I worked on rebuilding my self confidence and independence by going to the gym, going to therapy, going back to work, reading books like Lundy Bancroft, putting a few financial things in place so I knew I'd be able to manage on my own. Then the next time there was a really scary incident, I knew I would have the strength to end it. And I did. It's been really hard, but doable. This time last year it didn't even feel doable because I was so dependent on him.

Can you think of any small steps you can take to build yourself up similarly? How about starting with just talking with a friend or a counsellor about what's been going on? Sometimes just saying these things out loud to other people can really help build your sense of strength and self worth. Then you can start to think of some practical steps you could take, like making a savings account and putting a small amount away each week or month.

And keep posting on here. Mumsnet is amazing source of strength and inspiration.

So I have been to some counselling for myself.

He asked me this morning to talk, I told him how I felt and that I have been to see a counsellor.

He told me that I am absolutely pathetic. He said all because he turned the heating off last weekend because HE was boiling. No regard for the fact that I was freezing.

When I mentioned about him moaning at me for where I drive to. He started laughing and denied it.

I then told him I can never express to him how I feel. He said he is absolutely sick of me making out he is some horrible person!

Turned it all back around on me.

Why do you need to ask him if you can have a car, is he in charge of you?

@pinkyredrose we car share

Well he is a horrible person. You and your DD would be so much happier without him.

It sounds like you need your own car.

Whatever the eventual outcome of all this.

Could you start the ball rolling on this?

Classic DARVO he is he emotionally abusing you.

One thing my counsellor said many years ago was that you don’t have to accept what he says. Just metaphorically put it on a table and leave it there.

The accusation that you are making him out to be a horrible person is designed to make you respond that no, of course you are not doing that… it’s manipulative because it is not engaging with the substance of what you are saying, which is about the behaviour. But you know, if the cap fits…

Try and focus your energy into working out how to make your life better (without him). Because all the time you spend undoing the spaghetti of his logic takes energy from your own life and well-being.

Ugh, isn't he horrible.

Do you think you'd have the courage to leave?

Your poor daughter.
What an utterly miserable life she has.

No doubt she will be gone the first minute she can get away.
I hope she speaks to a teacher and tells them of the bullying she experiences by the man her mother married.

If she was my daughter I would be contacting Women's aid for support.
I would be asking all family and friends have they a room to give us so Ican get my daughteraway from his abuse.
I would tell the LL that I am a victim of domestic abuse and leaving.

I would do anything to get my child away from that toxic prick.
Your poor child.

Stop paying for the car any further.
Save your money and stop doing anything for him.
You both deserve better, but you need to save your child.