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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Controlling or not?

140 replies

SkinnyP · 12/10/2024 17:43

Husband moans a lot. Moan moan moan.
Last night 16 year old DD wanted to go to a concert in the next town around 5 miles away.

She hardly goes out, she's at home a lot so she asked if I could take her and pick her up at 9pm. I said yes.

My husband is my DD step dad. I car-share with my Husband. He rang me at work absolutely fuming that I had agreed to take her and pick her up. Saying she's 16 needs to make her own way etc. She gets anxiety getting the bus etc.

I said I'm taking her end of story, she doesn't ask often.

My DD then rang me as he told her that I couldn't take her as he was taking the car and he wouldn't be home. I told her to ignore him and I would be taking her.

I was absolutely raging. I still am today. I haven't spoken to him hardly! He then asked "you due on your period or something?"

I'm starting to resent him.

We are out tonight for a preplanned meal. Already he's moaned about someone has messed with the wing mirror in the car, I was cold so had the heating on, he moaned at that cos he was 'burning up' so turned it off, then the sat nav women was annoying!

I feel like I'm walking round with a cloud of doom over my head. I feel like I'm going mental.

OP posts:
FrauPaige · 13/10/2024 01:30

I think you know what you have to do

Other than your 16 yo daughter that he is step dad to, do you have children together?

Alalalala · 13/10/2024 01:32

Your poor kid. Don’t inflict him on her any longer, let alone you.

LibertyCaps · 13/10/2024 01:34

He's a bad man. It's inarguable.

Not OK.

Keep him around if you like terrible men around your daughter.

Original poster
SkinnyP · 13/10/2024 01:35

FrauPaige · 13/10/2024 01:30

I think you know what you have to do

Other than your 16 yo daughter that he is step dad to, do you have children together?

No we don't have any together

OP posts:
ImNoSuperman · 13/10/2024 01:43

Does he own the house?

TinySmol · 13/10/2024 02:03

The solution here is divorce.

LifeExperience · 13/10/2024 02:18

Stop subjecting your daughter to his verbal abuse. You are teaching her that this is normal marital behaviour. Your child deserves better.

Chucklit · 13/10/2024 02:22

He's already overriding how you physically feel even in terms of being warm. He's taken aim at your DD. It will only get worse. Disgusting behaviour, get you and your DD away from this before she ends up learning that it's "normal" for men to treat women in this way. You have to act here. I was just one of so many kids who had a mother who didn’t stand up for them against the person she was in a relationship with who was actively abusing her kids. As a direct result I don’t have a relationship with her to this day.

Lavenderandbrown · 13/10/2024 02:27

Oh so now he’s pouting and “punishing you” by sleeping downstairs. Any suspicions there might be someone else?

FrauPaige · 13/10/2024 02:54

SkinnyP · 13/10/2024 01:35

No we don't have any together

Show quote history

Then you absolutly know what you have to do - for your own sanity and self-esteem, and for your 16 year old daughter. You both deserve better and are likely better off on your own in a more positive environment. Be strong.

ThePoetsWife · 13/10/2024 02:58

Your poor DD.

Dump him.

JMSA · 13/10/2024 03:00

I couldn't be with someone so negative. And he should have seen how beneficial the concert would be for your daughter.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 13/10/2024 03:00

You know you need to leave him.

Ladyof2024 · 13/10/2024 03:27

ltb

Firefly1987 · 13/10/2024 03:29

I love a good moan (find it cathartic) but your poor DD. Assume he doesn't have kids himself, you're not suited and he resents your child. I've said it before but parents dating those without children is often a disaster.

Edingril · 13/10/2024 03:52

She is old enough to work it out herself ferrying her around like she is a young child does not help her

Separate to that he may be mean only you know that so if this is really the way he is and it is not because you are treating her like she is 2 then why are you subjecting her to this?

If this is just new behaviour on his part what has changed? If not why on earth are you with him?

Does she need to grow up or is he being unreasonable?

OrangeRhymesWith · 13/10/2024 04:53

he hates girls and women.

he thinks girls and women 'go behind his back'

he thinks he knows better than you, a silly woman, about how your own body feels when it's cold,

he thinks he knows better than you about what your daughter should do and if you don't ask his permission you're 'going behind his back'

he actively tried to make your daughter feel bad for no reason except to assert his authority.

if another woman (your friend) has an opinion it doesn't mean anything because she too is a silly woman and who isn't smart enough to see his superiority.

he is punishing you for daring to
gp against him

does your daughter not go anywhere because he makes a nasty comment everytime maybe?

leave him, show your daughter there's joy to be had

Bettyfromlondon · 13/10/2024 05:38

The best Christmas present your daughter can get will be that man out of her life.
Otherwise he is going to ramp up and ramp.up to force her out when she turns eighteen.

Bananalanacake · 13/10/2024 05:49

Why get married and live together, just have a relationship and live apart, then you can do what you want in your own house. Does your DD actually like living with him.

HarrietTheFireStarter · 13/10/2024 06:10

Oh, he's horrible. What a mean, mean man. Please divorce him.

Original poster
SkinnyP · 13/10/2024 08:05

Firefly1987 · 13/10/2024 03:29

I love a good moan (find it cathartic) but your poor DD. Assume he doesn't have kids himself, you're not suited and he resents your child. I've said it before but parents dating those without children is often a disaster.

He does have a child but they are a young adult now.

OP posts:
curtaintwitcher78 · 13/10/2024 08:19

My parents once picked me up from a gig in another town when I was 23 and had my own flat! It meant I could see the encore and not be rushing round a strange town late at night to get the last train/bus. It's normal and kind.

LittleGreenDragons · 13/10/2024 12:03

OrangeRhymesWith · 13/10/2024 04:53

he hates girls and women.

he thinks girls and women 'go behind his back'

he thinks he knows better than you, a silly woman, about how your own body feels when it's cold,

he thinks he knows better than you about what your daughter should do and if you don't ask his permission you're 'going behind his back'

he actively tried to make your daughter feel bad for no reason except to assert his authority.

if another woman (your friend) has an opinion it doesn't mean anything because she too is a silly woman and who isn't smart enough to see his superiority.

he is punishing you for daring to
gp against him

does your daughter not go anywhere because he makes a nasty comment everytime maybe?

leave him, show your daughter there's joy to be had

@SkinnyP please re-read this post.

Your husband does not think women are allowed opinions or choices unless approved by a man. Not only does he think women are "nothing" but he will physically over-ride a woman. We have specific words for these types of men. Chauvinistic, misogynistic, abusive, and a new one, incel. You need to protect your daughter, and in doing that you will be protecting yourself.

He's fired his warning shot at you regarding the car heating. How you respond to this will determine whether your relationship "survives", although it's not really a relationship is it. It's unsupportive, resentful, toxic, contemptuous and unhealthy. Is that kind of relationship worth saving?

Original poster
SkinnyP · 13/10/2024 12:16

@LittleGreenDragons I was angry from the Friday night when he rang me at work going mad because I'd offered my DD a lift there and back to a concert.
It will be because of the petrol I was using. I know what he's like.

Then I should have ran it past him and I went behind his back that my DD's friend came over whilst we were going out, as a mum I thought that would be fine.
Because I was still angry the next day about the lift to the concert situation and him saying no when I had said yes to the lift I got the response of "are you still going on about that" or "are you due on your period"

So then I get sworn at and he slept on the settee because I said I'm really starting to dislike you. It slipped out because that's how I was actually feeling.

I couldn't have been that cold in the car he said, I'm just a hypochondriac.

Anything I say or feel gets dismissed.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 13/10/2024 12:18

What a horrible man. The 'are you getting your period' comment in response to you getting justifiably angry is Olympic level misogyny.

He is jealous of your daughter and is treating her dreadfully.

I don't think anxiety about getting a bus at night is unusual. Most parents would prefer to pick their kids up rather than worry about their safety.