Controlling or not?

[SkinnyP]

Husband moans a lot. Moan moan moan.
Last night 16 year old DD wanted to go to a concert in the next town around 5 miles away.

She hardly goes out, she's at home a lot so she asked if I could take her and pick her up at 9pm. I said yes.

My husband is my DD step dad. I car-share with my Husband. He rang me at work absolutely fuming that I had agreed to take her and pick her up. Saying she's 16 needs to make her own way etc. She gets anxiety getting the bus etc.

I said I'm taking her end of story, she doesn't ask often.

My DD then rang me as he told her that I couldn't take her as he was taking the car and he wouldn't be home. I told her to ignore him and I would be taking her.

I was absolutely raging. I still am today. I haven't spoken to him hardly! He then asked "you due on your period or something?"

I'm starting to resent him.

We are out tonight for a preplanned meal. Already he's moaned about someone has messed with the wing mirror in the car, I was cold so had the heating on, he moaned at that cos he was 'burning up' so turned it off, then the sat nav women was annoying!

I feel like I'm walking round with a cloud of doom over my head. I feel like I'm going mental.

I'm sorry. I just don't have anyone to talk to about it.
So I suppose I'm using this as a venting. I apologise if I'm just listing stuff that's in my head.

DH would've either said do you want me to do the lifts/split them or why don't we drop DC off and go for dinner/cinema etc while we wait. With the friend coming over thing there would've been no reaction at all, maybe have we got snacks etc in if they want them? Or are they eating before they coming over or shall we just tell DC to order in for both of them as we're eating out?
The car - I am often cooler than DH , if I wanted the heating on and he was warm but wearing a coat he would've taken the coat off.

He sounds horrible

How you’ve not screamed at him to shut the fuck up and fuck the fuck off is beyond me op, I feel for you I really do. Men like this are mentally exhausting, I hope you find a way to peace soon 💐

It's probably good to list it because he has made you feel like it is all in your head and it's not. It's him. It is classic for abusers and controllers to make the other person feel like they are wrong, overreacting, too sensitive, etc. I think you know you need to leave him. Wishing you the strength you need.

You go ahead and list as much as you like. It really helps to write it all down, especially if you don’t have anyone in real life you feel you can confide in right now. I’m here to listen to you vent as much as you like 💐

Its also helpful to have this as a record for you to go back and re-read. Remind yourself that you aren’t going mad.

The more you write about him the clearer it is that he is a miserable, mean and selfish man.

Is there any love left there? Does he bring any happiness to your life? Or do you just feel stuck with him?

What is your housing/financial situation? Could you afford to go it alone?

Of course he tries to make other people think he's lovely, because that further undermines you and your view on reality. Does anyone have book recommendations for OP? I've seen this one recommend before but haven't read it but if I was you I would read it - Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Is the car registered to you or him?

If it was mine, he'd never be using it again.

Woman, young and old, have been taking the bus alone for decades. Travelling is never without risk but that can't stop us from leading our lives.

@Hollietree thank you. That's extremely kind and made me cry. I appreciate it.

We live in a rented house which is being sold next year. The plan was to try and get a mortgage and buy it. I could not do that on my own with my wage.

I'm trying to think, with minimum disruption to my DD as she will be sitting her GCSE's
next year.

I just feel everything is a mess.

It's registered in his name.

Someone just posted a pdf link to the book I suggested on another thread www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Could you find somewhere smaller to rent?

Are you on the current tenancy?

I'm on the current tenancy yes. But the rent prices have shot right up and every house there are multiple people going for them.

I just feel like everything is a mess,
My life's a mess and I don't know what to do.

Heater on your side and possibly taken their coat of and given to you if you are cold and they aren’t.

Most people wouldn’t complain about collecting a child and making sure they safe .

He wants all your attention on him .
Everything is about him
ayes he is controlling

You don’t need to do anything in a rush @SkinnyP This all must feel very overwhelming at the moment. Take as much time as you need to process this all in your mind. Is there any friend or family member that you can confide in, who knows your situation better than we do?

My ex behaved very much like your partner, towards both me and my daughter. Your posts are giving me anxiety reading them because there's so much similarity.

It was really hard, but I left him a few months ago. I think you should do the same. You both deserve better.

It must be very difficult, if not impossible, to love someone like this. Absolutely awful.

Leaving is a process, not an event. Expressing that this is happening and understanding that it is not right and you do not deserve it is one step in that process. You might try to leave and he talks you back, but again, one step closer.
Your life is not a mess, because this situation can be addressed, even if it takes time.
You do know that you and DD deserve better.
I do understand the financial issues, of course you need a practical and manageable way forward. Have you looked at whether you would be entitled to any benefits on your own, and whether it is possible to move further afield if the rents are crazy where you are?
I don’t think you can buy jointly with him.
I would speak to Women’s Aid, they will be able to support you and at the very least, give you someone to talk to so it does not feel so overwhelming. Many of the cases they see are about coercive control, so please don’t feel that because he doesn’t hit you, it’s not that bad. The man is literally monitoring everywhere you go.

Why are you letting this man bully and emotionally wound your child?

It's been subtle over time. Sorry I didn't grasp what was happening straight away.
I'm sure I'm like multiple other women who have been through the same!

I get that- honestly x
You’re on a journey now to finding a life of peace and freedom from this miserable way of life and I truly wish you all the best.

Get in touch with Women’s Aid. Not all abuse is physical. You and your daughter deserve much, much better than this.
And better days are ahead 💐

This, OP.
There’s a better life ahead for you and you have already taken the first, important steps by recognising something is wrong and talking to other people about it.

Be gentle with yourself and be encouraged. You can do this, one step at a time. Plan ahead, keep talking to people here if it helps, get advice & support.
You can do this !

@SkinnyP then sorry to say he sounds awful on all fronts

Another incident I remember. I wasn't present.
DD was meant to tidy her room. Asked for her phone but she refused to give it to him, as she said she was in the middle of tidying it so therefore hasn't done anything wrong.
He said as soon as he gets hold of the phone he is smashing it. Because he pays for it. He doesn't. We do.

I bet your DD would welcome the disruption if you could stay with family for a while. Your lives away from the emotional abuse would be a lot more peaceful, more productive not walking on eggshells the whole time.