Controlling or not?

[SkinnyP]

Husband moans a lot. Moan moan moan.
Last night 16 year old DD wanted to go to a concert in the next town around 5 miles away.

She hardly goes out, she's at home a lot so she asked if I could take her and pick her up at 9pm. I said yes.

My husband is my DD step dad. I car-share with my Husband. He rang me at work absolutely fuming that I had agreed to take her and pick her up. Saying she's 16 needs to make her own way etc. She gets anxiety getting the bus etc.

I said I'm taking her end of story, she doesn't ask often.

My DD then rang me as he told her that I couldn't take her as he was taking the car and he wouldn't be home. I told her to ignore him and I would be taking her.

I was absolutely raging. I still am today. I haven't spoken to him hardly! He then asked "you due on your period or something?"

I'm starting to resent him.

We are out tonight for a preplanned meal. Already he's moaned about someone has messed with the wing mirror in the car, I was cold so had the heating on, he moaned at that cos he was 'burning up' so turned it off, then the sat nav women was annoying!

I feel like I'm walking round with a cloud of doom over my head. I feel like I'm going mental.

Not normal behaviour OP. He sounds malicious. Unforgiveable behaviour towards a child.

Sounds like he'd like to be controlling and for his word to be law, but that you're sticking up for yourself and having none of it (good for you!). Which leaves him with no other weapon than moods and sulks and being petty over car heaters. If its not bad enough to want to leave him, then I'd suggest you carry on exactly as you are. He will eventually learn that no one cares about his demands and no one cares if he sulks when he doesn't get his way.

You are being abused.

My husband would have said "Brilliant, sounds like a good night, I'll make sure I'm back by X time so you can take the car"

Re the heater, if my husband was too hot in the car he would have removed his heavy coat. But you know he was just doing it to control you...

As well as the obvious controlling behaviour he is also mean with money in regards to complaining about 15 minutes car trips, Jeez!

Other's with normal male partners have stated what their partner would do and that's something of which you should take note but for it to be something you have to ask is itself a bit worrying. It's as if you find it difficult to ask yourself these questions and you somehow feel manipulated by him?

Anyway, you need to leave this "relationship". Can you get away from him? The sooner the better.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole.

I do agree about satnav voices being irritating. 🤣

Get rid of him, seriously. You will be so much better off without him. He sounds awful

Reminds me of how my ex used to behave. Yes, this is controlling. One aspect of it is that you've slowly had your own sense eroded of just how bad this behaviour is. It will only get worse and only you can put an end to it. Good luck

I got to
My husband is my DD step dad.
Enough said.
Not right on many levels.

Oh, insight about the lift and the heater in the car?

Well, I don't have children and there is also only one car in the household.
My husband (thirty years older) does the driving here.
Any car ride is planned and agreed by both of us and as far as heater goes, if it goes on or if anything has been fumbled with, there is no reaction or a little joke.
No anger, no bullying, no women hating.
We both do our bit and are a team.

Please get away from him, you and your daughter.

The bus can often be a scary place for a lone female traveller. Full of teen boys on their phones playing loud offensive violent rap when I was on town buses recently.

Come on OP, do you really need other
women to tell you his treatment of you is absolutely awful?

Which it is.

It makes me sad reading these that other people's husbands are not like this.

Here are a few things I recall. That I’m always being told I exaggerate, he says it’s not a big deal is it? Says am
I still mentioning things what have upset me, then he says to other people, she thinks we’re the only people that bicker and argue.

Everyone thinks he’s lovely, very few know what he’s like at home.

So we had the car situation with my DD.
The heater situation where I was cold.
Get told about wrecking the sofa when sitting on it.

Get moaned at for driving places when I apparently don’t need to go there. Or I could go somewhere closer to home.
Told me one year how much money I was allowed to spend on presents, when I challenged him on it, he said well you’re not deciding.

Took the car off me once and said get your own car.

Stepchild came up who’s now a young adult. He started shouting at him for something so my DD got into a row with him sticking up for him saying this is why he doesn’t come round because you shout.
I do all the cooking and food shopping.

He had cleaned downstairs and because I then went into the kitchen to make a home made cheese pie he moaned because he had cleaned! I said I’m a big girl I will clean up after myself.

When my Nan was dying. I asked him to come to the hospital to support me. He wouldn’t and started shouting at me saying he carried his grandads coffin. My memories of just before my Nan died is him shouting at me.

My grandad who is elderly and on his own, his dog had died at home. My mum rang me and said what happened so I offered to go straight round to help. We were about to have lunch, so he said oh well I’m eating now and not waiting because I’m starving.

Went out for a meal with friends. I went a different way home as I was driving, not that much different probably about 5 minutes extra, because of the slightly longer distance he went on and on and on about he couldn’t believe I had gone that way all the way home in front of our friends. Even my male friend said gosh you’re not still going on about that.

Looked at the miles once on the dashboard and said god we’re have you been in the car. Obviously checking the mileage.

I could go on. But this is normal, and couples argue, and I take things to heart and I exaggerate and make things into a bigger deal than they are.

He sounds intent on sucking the joy out of everything. How depressing.

And mean. He sounds very mean. Not attractive.

What is your financial situation?

@SkinnyP
Well, after your update you definitely need to leave him.

Can you set things in motion? Do you have a place to go to?

He sounds extremely mean and controlling. FWIW my DH would offer to pick our DD up himself in this situation, and wouldn't comment on heating temp unless he was really uncomfortable! We also share one car. He's far from perfect, but this stuff is so petty. I'm sorry you and your DD are having to deal with it.

My dad was similarly miserable, and when my mum kicked him out the mood in the house lifted I was 16 at the time. I'm sure your DD would thank you when she's older if you decided to do the same...

He sounds absolutely horrible with no redeeming features. You can't stay with him. Please leave him for your own sake and your daughter's.

You're not going mental, he's a bastard. And he is abusing your dc.

Time to think about how to extricate yourself from this horrible relationship.

There is nothing that is normal about this situation, where this man is such a joy sucking, controlling arsehole.
It has really made me sad for you, your daughter AND his adult child.

To have anything like a tolerable life, you are going to have to get rid of this moaning deadweight.
Or if you still want him (dunno why), you are going to have to really put your foot down and be a complete bitch, until he gets the message that he isn't the one in charge.
This is a lot of hard work to do, and it may not succeed in training him to be a nicer husband, at the end of the day.

But for now, until you decide if you're going to put up with his shit for ever or not, I would strongly suggest you get angry and refuse his every attempt at control.
And do not be reasonable about it, either.

From big things, like “I have decided I'm buying my own fucking car, what's it to do with you?” to things like “I am not freezing my tits off in this car just to make you happy, mate.”

I wouldn't want to live with someone who didn't care about the safety and mental well being of my child. Nor would I want to live with a cloud of negativity or someone who didn't care if I was freezing and not allow me to put a heater on. He doesn't care about either your needs or your daughters wishes and is totally controlling. Why be with someone who makes life worse?

OP your life is miserable because of him. Get your ducks in a row and then divorce him. You and DD deserve peace and a new happy life without him.

My husband puts the heating on in the house if he hears me cough because if I get cold I often cough. Because of this he often preemptively puts the heating on to make sure I don't get cold, he doesn't feel the cold that much and is usually in a t-shirt.

I don't have children but if I did he would ask if I wanted him to keep me company while I went pick my daughter up. He definitely wouldn't expect her to travel alone at night if she is anxious or overrule my plans.

I do get I am especially lucky and have a gem of a man, but yours is really just below par. I wouldn't want to live with him.

I get embarrassed also in front of people. In front of one of his family members he said "what's that mark on your trainers!!" Because they were new and I got a mark on them. His
Family members even said, why are you looking at her shoes?
Another time same family member I was embarrassed as he stated "you need to start washing your work pants inside out as they will get bobbly".
It's like I'm slowly thinking back and seeing all these things he has been doing.

He is vile.

If I was in the car driving with someone who had behaved like him and then did that - I would stop the car and tell them to get out and walk.

Honestly OP, I hope it’s cathartic for you to list incidents where he’s been a knobhead, but you don’t need to convince us. We can all see he’s an abusive Wankbadger.

What do you plan to do about it?

I think OP is convincing herself, now she has heard from other women.
We all see that he is a git, OP.