To call out tight friend or fade out

[Sherwooden]

Hello,

For background I have a reasonably good friend of 10 years who is extremely tight, I have periodically called out things over the years and for a while things get better then go back to how they were before.

Tight as in always expecting others to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc. Always pleads poverty but has disposable income. Numerous examples over the years, some funny some not.

Whilst I enjoy her company her attitude to money puts me off spending time with her now and I am wondering if I just let the friendship fade. There hasn't been one particular incident recently I think its just cumulative!.

She is a nice person otherwise, but I find the constant grifter behaviour draining, I know if I see her and we do anything I will end up paying!, and no she doesn't enjoy free activities like walks etc!

If you’ve called it out and she won’t change for any length of time and her behaviour is unacceptable to you then you don’t have a choice really but to end the friendship. What a shame!

I’ve had a couple of friends like this and it didn’t matter what I said - they almost viewed it as a right to be tight. As if their lives depended on it and that everyone should do it. I realised that they didn’t respect me at all to treat me like a mug. Ghost away!

I had a friend like this and it turned out that while she wasn’t paying her way in taxis etc she was getting a government grant for uni (in Ire) so had more disposable income than any of us.
I think there was a bit of a psy reason for it as her dad lost a business but she was happy go buy lovely clothes just not pay her way.

Anyways I faded her, it wasn’t the main reason but I don’t miss it!

Thanks, I know that you should always make sure they pay their way, and ask them for their share if they try and duck out of paying but its exhausting as its constant and I don't enjoy chasing people to pay!

It’s disrespectful to you and suggests she thinks she’s worth paying to spend time with! No, I’d let the friendship go-but say why!

I didn’t tbh, I just quietly seethed!!

Now many years later she’s loaded bought a house right at the bottom of the market, has a lovely quality of life. She is very careful with money - food spending etc. which I respect. She’s planning early retirement. She might not do it to the same extent now but I know she takes great glee in regifting which I normally don’t mind but it’s against the backdrop of tight behaviour.

And she’s an accountant!

You don't have to end the friendship. If you value the friendship you match them.

If they are likely to go out with just £20 in their pocket, do the same. Then you can both be in the same position and sorting this out together. Just keep your bill tightly to £20.

You'll be able to participate without feeling taken advantage of.

Your friend obviously has different values. You either accept them and match them for the duration you are with them.

Or you don't, and you accept you'll always be put in the position to cover costs.

I have friendships that function differently to the norm. But I go in with my eyes open and in my case usually always plan ahead. Some people are hopelessly dysfunctional but still lovely people.

I would have no respect for someone who didn't pay their way. I am not friends with people I don't respect.

Friendship should be a two way thing. I had a friend who was an heiress and she would always expect me to subsidize her. I started to take cash just to cover myself and she said to me 'What shall I do'? When it came to paying, so I said, well you ordered the Turf & Surf, you pay for it. The friendship did fade out because I found her meanness was reflected in other areas of her life like self entitlement, lateness, etc. Don't put up with it.

“Different values” i.e. wants nice experiences but wants other people to pay!

I think Leontine had the right approach! Beat her at her own game…

I wouldn't necessarily phase them out ..but let's say you meet for coffee/drinks...I'd say at the start, let's just pay for ourselves then I'd just go up to the counter/bar and order/pay for myself only.

If I was at a dinner in a restaurant, I'd say to the waiter, I'll just be paying for what i had so the chicken and the glass of wine thanks.

100% when it comes to food, pay for what you had and eyeball her until she coughs up.
Pleading poverty is ridiculous. I have friends who are multi millionaires, when we go out I insist I pay for my family.

Ah, I have a story about this!

Some years ago, I had a similar friend: yes, I had a bit more disposable income at the time, but I certainly wasn't in Lady Bountiful territory.

After endlessly picking up the tab (I know, I shouldn't have started in the first place), I decided enough was enough.

We went out for dinner one night and eventually asked for the bill, as you do.

Friend obviously expected muggins here to do the usual and pick it up, but I didn't.

And didn't. And didn't.

The better part of an hour passed, and eventually tight friend said, 'Ooh, we haven't paid the bill yet, have we?".

I replied, "No, you're right, we haven't. I got the last few times, I think it's your turn?".

They grudgingly pulled out their wallet and settled.

(Now, I should add that I did have the means to pay on me, because I was quite prepared for them to pull out an excuse and I wouldn't see a business out of pocket. I also found our waiter as we were leaving and gave them a VERY large tip to thank them for their patience.)

I do still see this person socially, because for all their parsimony they are actually quite good fun, but I don't do anything with them that costs money anymore.

It was a bit of a high risk gamble, but it paid off.

Yes always seems to be very well off people who are like this (that's how they got there no doubt) but it's embarrassing and not right

I had a friend like that and did the fade out but now I’m older I would actually explain that I don’t want to be in touch any more and why.

Thanks, I will give it one last go, then I am fading out.

I will try very hard not to get stuffed with the bill when I next see her and will make it plain that I am only paying for myself, I have done this before, got better for a while , then back to normal, so we get a takeaway and I put it on my account or we have lunch out, no offers to pay her share just looks at me when bill comes, when I have insisted we go halves she will go through the bill line by line even though I am the non drinker!

Do you feel that you know her well enough to actually discuss it?

Does she actually drink when you don’t & then expect you to pay for it? That, to me, is another level of cheek!!

Yes she will be on cocktails, I don't drink!

I said a year ago I couldn't keep paying for me and I wanted to us to pay for ourselves from now on, it got better for a while, then slowly slipped back and now I am expected to pay

I have a friend exactly the same . After many incidents the last straw was arriving out for dinner late and with no purse and no phone so no means of paying a bean . I've slow faded her . Her attitude to money is really off putting . She'll spend thousands on a holiday but will quibble over 40p on a bill .

Can I ask what happens at the bar or when the waiter comes? Does she suddenly need the loo or brazenly stay quiet or plead poverty then? I know you don't want to have the conversation but could you try saying outright 'we'll be getting our own tonight, ok?'

Ever said "your turn"?

Depends on whether she's worth the effort of creating new habits. It sounds like you pay for stuff and then she is supposed to reimburse you later. If so, just stop doing that. Tell her you're both paying your own share from now on and tell her why: 'You forget to pay me back and I hate chasing you for the money'. If she objects or huffs about it, you know what to do.
If she's not worth the effort, just let things fade. Friendship isn't supposed to be exhausting.

Stays quiet!

I have a friend exactly the same. I just say ...your round next ...etc