To call out tight friend or fade out

[Sherwooden]

Hello,

For background I have a reasonably good friend of 10 years who is extremely tight, I have periodically called out things over the years and for a while things get better then go back to how they were before.

Tight as in always expecting others to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc. Always pleads poverty but has disposable income. Numerous examples over the years, some funny some not.

Whilst I enjoy her company her attitude to money puts me off spending time with her now and I am wondering if I just let the friendship fade. There hasn't been one particular incident recently I think its just cumulative!.

She is a nice person otherwise, but I find the constant grifter behaviour draining, I know if I see her and we do anything I will end up paying!, and no she doesn't enjoy free activities like walks etc!

Dh has a friend who is so tight he should squeak when he walks. Dh is generous to a fault. Our older teen ds often drives them to/from when they go out. "Friend" lives 8 miles away in the opposite direction & expects to be collected & taken door to door. It doesn't seem to compute that he is adding 32 miles to the evening & doesn't give ds any share of fuel money (or more likely realises & doesn't care).
Although dh now eats before going out as he was always the one paying the bill for both of them.
I have given up commenting on it because all I get is "oh that's just what he's like".

I'm ND and tight, probably with a helping of childhood trauma.

This isn't being tight, it's CFery of the highest order.

She's not a friend, she's a user.

Honestly life is too short to be dealing with this. I'd send her message saying you don't want to be friends anymore and outline your reasons and then block.
It might help her in the long run .

You won’t be the only person funding her lifestyle. I’m sure A will pay for her coffee Monday morning, B will cover her cinema ticket Tuesday, C will cover her meal out Wednesday, D will pay for her taxi and drinks on Thursday etc etc… They take advantage from anyone they can.. and they’re usually better off than everyone put together.

There’s zero excuses for it. If they can’t afford it then they need to stay at home.

It's not just the monetary value, it could be 50p or £50, they want something for nothing because they have a meanness of spirit.

What I find interesting is no one will admit to being like this. There's been hundreds of similar threads on here and everyone seems to know a tight CF but I've never seen anyone reply admitting that they pocket tips, or that they expect other friends to always pay the bill. So deep down they know it's cheeky and selfish but they don't care, they're the star and you're just cast in a supporting role.

Honestly OP just cut your losses now, the bitterness and general nastiness ran deeper than I realised when my ex-friend was doing this. In the end it all came out that she was well aware other people were subsidising her lifestyle and did it to everyone to enable her to save loads of money (she bought a car!). She was just full of envy which she used to justify her actions, I think that’s why we don’t hear from actual CF on here, they think they are justified and it’s levelling the playing field. Just think about how you’d react if your friend told you you’d been a bit tight, most people would be embarrassed and apologetic not slip back into their old ways.

That's ridiculous. How on earth can you still like her? I would be so upset at being used in this way. She sounds quite unpleasant.

She is good company but the money aspect now ruins it, she likes going for drinks lunches dinner etc , but doesn't like to pay and will happily accept her friends paying for us and never reciprocates, just claims poverty but then goes on holiday for example

I'm not sure I want to.have another conversation about it work her, I suspect I'm closer to fading out as it's a constant irritant when I'm with her

How much do you think she has cost you over the years? And was it worth it?

I couldn't bear this level of disrespect from a friend. 'Friend' can have many definitions, however at the most basic level it should be someone who has your best interests at heart and doesn't try to take advantage of you.

When someone is tight with money, they are unlikely to change and it becomes their hallmark. OP, I understand how it makes u feel. U end up feeling resentful.
Probably not worth ending the friendship , perhaps keep at a distance.

If I have another convo how blunt do.i have to be?
Last time I said I couldn't afford to keep.paying for her which I thought was pretty direct, she said yes you have been generous , paid her way for about 3 months then went back to not offering or paying again!

Depends on how confrontational you want to be. A complete non-verbal standoff in public might fix her but is it really worth it?

A note in advance of going out saying any costs will be split?

Depends on how much you still like her? Is it really worth the effort?

I'm a bit of a wuss, so I'd just stop going anywhere with her.

If you like her enough to want to keep meeting up, could you be upfront with the waiters instead - 'we'll be splitting the bill today, thank you'. It really isnt a big issue for them, and makes it abundantly clear to cf friend where your boundaries are.
If you're not that bothered then let her drift away, she sounds like a lot of hard work

Honestly I wouldn't bother trying again. She's not going to change. I would just tell her up front why you're stepping back, because she's clearly taking the piss.

Thanks for your replies, I have been emboldened to remind her she never paid me for the last takeaway we shared , 40 in total so 20 each, at the time we got a takeaway I ordered it and so it was on my account.

She has just replied and said "O 20 pounds is alot to me"

I CBA any longer , it's hard work, so fade out it is

Dreadful

Does she not think £40 is a lot for you to have to pay umpteen times?

Yes that's what I thought , cheeky cow!
Enthusiastically ordered a takeaway and thought I would never ask her to pay half, odd behaviour

Shocking!!
yeah this is not a friend. No loss to you

Well done on reminding her about the takeaway money.

I'd do the same.

Just re read and that is shocking! She's not a friend, she's a freeloader.

I wouldn't let this go. tell her £40 is a lot to you and you shouldn't have to be paying for her. what an entitled person

I absolutely wouldn't let it go either!

When you order food ask to keep the orders separate. Sends a very clear message.

Drinks you just say your turn/round