To call out tight friend or fade out

[Sherwooden]

Hello,

For background I have a reasonably good friend of 10 years who is extremely tight, I have periodically called out things over the years and for a while things get better then go back to how they were before.

Tight as in always expecting others to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc. Always pleads poverty but has disposable income. Numerous examples over the years, some funny some not.

Whilst I enjoy her company her attitude to money puts me off spending time with her now and I am wondering if I just let the friendship fade. There hasn't been one particular incident recently I think its just cumulative!.

She is a nice person otherwise, but I find the constant grifter behaviour draining, I know if I see her and we do anything I will end up paying!, and no she doesn't enjoy free activities like walks etc!

"Yes I feel the same, if you could send it to XYZ account pls".

I’d wait until she suggests doing something then say no, I can’t afford to pay for us both at the moment

Op Im more clever now. I just do coffee. Dont want plan meals with her.. she was treating me one year for big birthday but did her vanishing act at till lol. If its cinema i just buy my own. Hate tight people

Perfect 👍

By this point I'd have had enough too OP. Maybe text her back with "Yes, it's a lot to me too, and I can't afford to keep paying for you. I guess that means we will see less of each other from now on, which is a shame <shrug emoji>"

I think if you’re raised it before and she returns to form soon after, plus the response to the takeaway, she’s not going to change. Her fun company comes at a massive price. I
agree it’s time to fade her out.

I'd be telling her before you order anything, I'm going to need you to pay for your share, shall we just go for a walk or is that going to be ok?

I just do coffee now. Less hassles that way. Some people just tight..

She has just replied and said "O 20 pounds is alot to me"

You need to reply, ‘well £40 is a lot for me! If you can’t afford £20 for a takeaway, you need to not have takeaways!’

I must be fortunate-I don’t have any friends like this-we all just split the bills fairly. If I went out with someone who did this and didn’t settle up afterwards, there wouldn’t be a second time.

Are you not going to reply/push her to pay?

Please don’t let her think her text is an appropriate response to being asked to pay your way. She can’t just say, ‘that’s too expensive for me’!

If you think of it like this. Next time you are at work and are about to leave for the day, if she would tell you that you should stay and work for another hour or two so you can pay for her cocktails and food on Friday night or she will sulk - would you be happy to do that?

It is a sort of self-infantilisation isn’t it?

Always expecting other people to pick up the bill like a mummy would for a child.

More than that it tells you v clearly that they expect to be indulged and care not a jot for how that might impact you.

I find fighting over who pays, mrs doyle style, annoying at times but much preferable to the kind of tight-wad man/woman-child bill avoiders.

At least you can laugh together about the former, the latter is just sad all round.

(or utterly pathetic in a grown man - you know who you are Mr Own Postcode)

So why did she order it? Why are you such a doormat?

I just couldn't say nothing! I would go back with "So you think I should pay the whole £40???"

At a restaurant I would pay cash for my half plus tip then pass the bill over to her. I honestly can't see why anyone would meekly keep picking up the entire bill.

I'm going to withdraw from friendship as she is hard work! I don't want to have to think about how to get her to pay for herself every time we meet!

I have replied and reiterated that she owes me 20quid for her share

It's so hard being friends with someone like this - I feel they never relax and enjoy your company as they are busy totting up how much they can get for free and how they can dodge the bill. After a while, there is an undercurrent of you watching them and mental box ticking when they start with the sob stories and excuses. Not really a friendship is it?

I'm more happy to help out a friend and foot the bill if they have 'reduced circumstances' but tight people who expect it and never return any form of generosity when massing a pile are nauseating.

A true friend would have apologised and paid the £20 for the take away. Why would £20 be a lot to her but £40 not be a lot to you. A true friend would not have sparked an atmosphere for you asking her to pay for her own cocktails as you hadn't been drinking.

Slow fade - you have called her out on it. She is mocking you

Well done. She'll move on to someone else.

£20 may be a lot but £40 is a lot more!

She is not a friend. She is a freeloader...

Sounds very odd. Does she think you're minted and somehow owe her? Or that if you suggest food that it's on you? I'd be replying that "why did you order it ?"

Good decision OP, glad others seem to think the same about this behaviour.

I think it’s the right call, if she’s selfish about this it will come out in other ways as well.

If you ever do decide to go out with her again, go somewhere where it’s super easy to pay separately like Nando’s or Wetherspoons, no the best venues but foods ok and you can both pay separately up front!

I had a friend exactly the same as you describe, it's tiring and really disrespectful. I have faded her out, she was a good company but honestly I can't be doing with the long litany of excuses from "Can we take your car so I can have a drink" (I don't drink - but it's so she doesn't have to pay for petrol even for a short drive) to "I don't have any change for the car park" "I can't get a mobile signal to pay" "I have forgotten the card I wanted to use" "I'll use my deliveroo next time" "it's more than I expected" "I must have forgotten to put my purse in my bad" etc

Well, if she doesn't pay you @Sherwooden, you'll know exactly how much your friendship is worth to her, and it's £20!