To call out tight friend or fade out

[Sherwooden]

Hello,

For background I have a reasonably good friend of 10 years who is extremely tight, I have periodically called out things over the years and for a while things get better then go back to how they were before.

Tight as in always expecting others to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc. Always pleads poverty but has disposable income. Numerous examples over the years, some funny some not.

Whilst I enjoy her company her attitude to money puts me off spending time with her now and I am wondering if I just let the friendship fade. There hasn't been one particular incident recently I think its just cumulative!.

She is a nice person otherwise, but I find the constant grifter behaviour draining, I know if I see her and we do anything I will end up paying!, and no she doesn't enjoy free activities like walks etc!

Once, when we were settling a bar bill, she just sat there and expected me to pay, so I said you have to at least pay for your drinks as I have paid for dinner, she reluctantly did, but it created a bad atmosphere

I take back my earlier post. Bad atmosphere indeed. You've got yourself a cheeky fucker there, OP. In the bin with her!

Whilst you should just be able to be honest, sometimes little lies are a bit easier. Just send her a message saying you are massively pulling your horns in, as are saving hard for "insert anything", and will only be able to pay for yourself from now on. We did this with a large group of friends as we found we were always subsiding their children, high end cocktails and wine and ridiculously extravagant 3 course meals. I am in no way, shape or form mean but I'm also not a fool.

I don't think she is a 'nice' person as this type of thing is usually a example of mistrust and paranoia. She feels put upon so entitled to other people's money.. or she is desperately afraid of being exploited and in trying to avoid that exploits others. Both are character traits that mean you cannot really trust this person.. as she doesn't really trust you or anyone else.
If she clearly does have disposable income, she just doesn't ever want to spend it on her friends then she flat out just isn't really a friend.
Being genuinely hard up is one thing.. but just letting everyone else always pay because there's some broken part of you that feels embittered and aggrieved, it's just not the mark of a 'nice' person

She isnt a nice person though? Nice people think nothing of paying their own way, and in fact want to do nice things, whether that's buying them a drink, or going for free activities so they can spend time together.

Nice people don't effectively steal from their friends in a blatant and disrespectful manner. They don't act like their money (and the time spent earning it) is more important than other people's.

That's annoying.

If she has the money I suppose it's a choice of accepting it's a flaw of hers and keep inviting her but accept that a firm reminder 'i think it's your round, Sally', or 'let's split this' is inevitable at the end of the evening and not taking it to heart, and letting her go.

Depends how much this outweighs her friendship in other ways.

These people aren’t tight. They’re financially abusive and exploitive.

I'm not saying it's definitely this but I know a couple of people who are like this (not close friends). The reasons are pretty complex so it may not be that she just that she doesn't care or feels entitled. I mean, it might be exactly that. I don't know her. But those I know it's quite traumatic childhood experiences that have lead to this quite odd behaviour. Nice people in other ways.

I had a friend who was very good at avoiding buying rounds of drinks. There were four of us used to go out. In restaurants she wouldn't fully pay her share as in and I noticed her take out the extra money the rest of us had put in for a tip! Two of us pulled her up on it and stopped putting a tip down until she'd paid up.
There were quite a few incidents. One friend had a barbecue and tight arse made a big thing about she'd bring some food. She brought a box with 2 veggie sausages in.
This was ages ago now. There were other reasons than her tightness but two of us kind of faded her out.

I imagine that will get scoffed at and it does sound a bit silly without having the individuals and their behaviour in mind 'someone doesn't stand their round, must be childhood trauma '. It's not lack of generosity exactly or entitlement.

I always wonder what goes through the minds of people like this. I mean, does she think you’re much better off than her? That she’s doing you a favour by gracing you with her presence? Or that she has some god-given right to freebies? Even if she paid her way but not a penny over, that would be something (still tight, but acceptable) — but to just wait for you every time is SUCH CFery. I’d love to know how she justifies it to herself.

I genuinely believe tightness is a mental health issue.

I have a long term male friend that is cheap; though he always claims he’s ’frugal’ or ‘on a low budget’. None of these are true.

When we go out for meals I immediately ask for two bills. When we pay I remind him loudly to not be cheap and tip.

Somehow our friendship survives!

It's really up to you...if you have time and she adds a lot of value in other ways, I'd be strict about separate bills, you both get your own drinks, never share a cab or transport etc. Demote her to a group friend.

It actually does often seem to be the social norm in some groups for everyone to get their own drinks, go up to the bar separately. Most restaurants will be happy to do separate tabs for two people.

If she fades after this you know it's a calculated scrounging thing.

I think I'd have definitely got the friendship ick by now with the going through the bill bit tbh!

You can deal with this by saying to the bar person / waiter etc ‘here is my share and she will pay for her own’.
But really, why would you keep bothering? Either have a very long conversation with her or just don’t bother with the friendship.

Sorry, but she is totally taking you for a ride! Why on earth should you ( or anyone) pay for her food and drink? How do you think she justifies this in her mind?

I wouldn’t go out with her anymore and I’d have the balls to tell her that it’s because I’m tired of being used for free meals and drinks. Friends don’t use each other that way. She’s selfish and greedy expecting free drinks, taxis and food. But it sounds like too many people enable her behaviour because she gets away with doing it more often than not.

Mumsnet BINGO here but I'd guess some sort of ND?

Friend is hyper-fixated on the FIRE plan, and isn't self-aware enough to be able to register how her behaviour may be affecting relationships and friendships, or the impact on others.

She doesn't have the cognitive ability to see the bigger picture/read between the lines, and the fact that OP has paid a few times means she thinks she's fine with it.

Either the OP can be incredibly direct/authoritative and spell out exactly what the expected behaviour/payment plan is or fade her out.

Personally as I've got older I'm emotionally softer but also more externally confident in just dropping people I find difficult.

I used to go along with behaviour because they had some redeeming qualities, or I liked being out and having company.

That was an age thing. Too busy to analyse people!

Now I'm the age where I think I'd be pissed off if I was struggling with health and work whilst my "friend" was on early retirement due to me subbing them.

Especially if the retirement plans involved me potentially subbing them even more...

If friends are "reason season or lifetime" she's season.

Yes it could be ND of some kind , I have in the past had to be very direct when she stays with me, ie make your own bed and don't leave a mess when you leave etc all of which she now follows

I would start to say no or call her out.
If she won’t contribute towards anything then only pay for yourself and leave her to it. If she won’t pay 50/50 for a taxi then get one without her.

Harsh but nobody has enough money to pick up the slack for others these days and quite frankly a meal/drink/night out can be seen as a rare luxury these days.

Just ask for two bills.

Or when at the bar say you get this round, I'll get the next.

Don't give in, don't volunteer, don't pay and wait for her half.

Ghost. Well, I'd do the constant excuses not to meet up approach until she asked why.

Begone, spongers!

Meet her once more and when the bill comes say “thanks so much it was great to see you” and leave. She owes you (at least) one, and you’re happy to let the friendship go anyway, so a taste of her own medicine sounds like the way to leave it.

When this happens-
and I don't enjoy chasing people to pay!
Don't chase her.
Just message before you next meet "you didn't send me the xxx from last time, so shall we say tonight is on you?"

Good luck

I have a friend like this. She always wants to pay cash and is always a few £ short and asks me to put both hers and mine on my card then "forgets" to pay me.
She also asks for lifts and won't offer to pay towards parking.
She admits that if she owes someone money, she tries not to pay back.
So, I stopped going out with her as often, but when I do, I pay cash and say I'm not using my card.
If I drive somewhere I tell her I want money for petrol and parking before we leave.
Most unlike me, I am normally generous, but I'm not having someone make a fool of me.