To call out tight friend or fade out

[Sherwooden]

Hello,

For background I have a reasonably good friend of 10 years who is extremely tight, I have periodically called out things over the years and for a while things get better then go back to how they were before.

Tight as in always expecting others to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc. Always pleads poverty but has disposable income. Numerous examples over the years, some funny some not.

Whilst I enjoy her company her attitude to money puts me off spending time with her now and I am wondering if I just let the friendship fade. There hasn't been one particular incident recently I think its just cumulative!.

She is a nice person otherwise, but I find the constant grifter behaviour draining, I know if I see her and we do anything I will end up paying!, and no she doesn't enjoy free activities like walks etc!

I have a relative like this. The whole family talk about their tightness. I don't give anymore because everything feels so one sided. Have distanced and am happy about that.

I’m really curious OP does she think you have more money than her? Do you?
Why does she feel entitled to say “£20 is a lot for me?” She presumably chose her order?

At this stage I think the biggest favour you could do her is be really honest. Tell her what you have told us - you don’t even drink but she drinks and is still happy for you to pay.

Unbelievable ! I’d reply-« and £40 is doubly a lot! »

"It's a lot to me too bitch, pay up"

Yes she works part time and I work full time so she would see I have more income.

She works part time so that she can build a vinted business and has done for the last 6 years so yes I will earn more, still don't think that means I should always pay!

No of course you shouldn’t in fact you shouldn’t pay at all,
Im am very curious as to her line of thinking. The way she phrases it “£20 is a lot for me”, it’s slightly victim like.
As you said originally she doesn’t want to do things like go for a walk, so she wants something she thinks she can’t afford subsidised.

Yes, she does play victim a bit when we are out, I.notice it more when she does it to other people we meet, but her life choices are her own and her family financially support her so she really isn't a victim!

When you arrange to meet up, tell her in advance that you won't be paying for her. I'd be as blunt as that, really. She's not embarrassed for you to constantly pay, (who does she think she is?☹), so why would you spare her feelings?

There are so many CFs in this world.

@Sherwooden What did you text back? Please don't roll over and let it go for an easy life. CFs like this do it because people enable it!

I'd be responding with "And £40 is more than a lot for me! If you knew you couldn't afford to pay for it, why did you order it?"

I agree. Though it's worth pointing out that she won’t turn up! People like this withdraw from their source if it runs dry. I had a 20+ year friendship with one of these types. She believed that it was "the price people have to pay if they want to spend time with me"

She's awful! That would ruin it for me. I couldn't bear to think of her sitting there calculating the cost and thinking how she could avoid paying it. If she wants to not spend anything, she could suggest going for a walk and a chat.

I always wonder what happens when two tight people go out together.

She's really annoying me now! Next time you go out, tell her you're going to the loo, then leave.

I imagine they both have a terrible time, @MounjaroUser

Yes gets draining. We enable it too. I said we do something cheap as everywhere so costly now. We had coffee. Bought our own lol. Maybe they get used to others paying)

Dear lord, where do they come from? I'd laugh in the face of anyone who said that😂

Change your ring tone for her….

I'm just done with her.

I will get the 20 back on principal but don't want to spend any more time with her. When I meet friends I don't want to be constantly on the look out for mooching !!!

If she can’t afford to eat out or go for drinks then she should stay home or do something that is free.

I had an ex who earned 10x what I did at the time and he would freeload off me. Expensive restaurants and pricey drinks, it couldn’t be Vue cinema -!it had to be an independent one that cost so much more. They try to live a champagne lifestyle on other peoples lemonade and I have never stood for it since.

I have discussed briefly with friend that her behaviour is not acceptable to me and I am not willing to carry on as before

She responded by listing all the problems in her life etc so I think.my message was lost!

What is her point - is she saying she’s short of money because of these problems, or is she accusing you of upsetting her when she has a lot going on?

I don't know!

She just launched into a 20 minute monologue about all her problems and how bad she has it , didn't address a thing I said

Stop saying you can't afford it! she clearly believes you really can, partly because you show her you can by paying.

Start telling here that her attitude is rude, manipulative and deeply unfair, to the point of being abusive. And that he amount of energy you put into thinking about how to deal with it and make her behave decently is sucking the joy out of the friendship, to the degree that you're on the verge of ending it.

And if she doesn't completely fix it, end it.

How annoying. Did she return the £20, or just do her "poor me" routine?

Poor me!!!

Its hard to say to someone they really mean! I lessened contact. I just bring exact cash now. The thing of card payments made it easier for these cf as they like oh I owe you!! God puts you off meetups though)