To call out tight friend or fade out

[Sherwooden]

Hello,

For background I have a reasonably good friend of 10 years who is extremely tight, I have periodically called out things over the years and for a while things get better then go back to how they were before.

Tight as in always expecting others to pay for drinks, meals out, taxis etc. Always pleads poverty but has disposable income. Numerous examples over the years, some funny some not.

Whilst I enjoy her company her attitude to money puts me off spending time with her now and I am wondering if I just let the friendship fade. There hasn't been one particular incident recently I think its just cumulative!.

She is a nice person otherwise, but I find the constant grifter behaviour draining, I know if I see her and we do anything I will end up paying!, and no she doesn't enjoy free activities like walks etc!

I'd be inclined to message back, totally ignore the sob stories and say the £20 is the tip of the iceberg with what you've subsidised her over the years and she needs to rethink her lifestyle if she can't afford to pay her way. Then leave it with her - she'll either send you the money or she won't but either way the friendship is done.

My other friend great she buy drinks one time I buy next ones.

I don't mean to sound harsh but her sob stories I have heard before and are just the usual life problems, it seems manipulative to do this !

It is manipulative. She’s not a friend. Friends don’t behave like this.

Yes it makes it worse in my eyes...no attempt to address the issue just trying to guilt trip me into carrying on paying

I don’t think I would fade. Once you have the £20 back, a final message:

”thank you for the £20 you owed me. I am tired of you always expecting me to pay for you. Why should I? I can’t afford it! We have had this conversation before but things have not changed. Wish you all the best but I am drawing a line under this friendship. “

An older friend of dh (no longer with us) had almost invariably ‘forgotten his wallet’ when we went out to eat as a foursome with his wife. Dh nearly always paid, without complaint, until the time we spent a weekend in London for this friend’s Big Birthday.
We paid for a hotel for 2 nights, for a lunch for 4, and for 4 x West End theatre tickets. Friend wanted a Sunday roast lunch at Simpson’s in the Strand, and had said that this would be on him.
But had ‘forgotten his wallet’ yet again.
It was over 3 weeks before he (evidently grudgingly) paid up. And that was the first time I ever saw my too-easygoing dh seriously pissed off with him.

When the bloke died he left well over £1m cash and 2 houses paid for.

Your poor DH.

Yes I totally get it

Sadly she’s told you in the latest text how she views the friendship. You know this from experience but it’s all there now in black and white.

Sure it’s her decision to work part time and do a side hustle but that’s down to her and how she wants to lead her life. But expecting others to fund her social life obviously isn’t fair.

You now know that’s what she has expected and continues to think. Don’t waste any more time or energy trying to understand as it’s sadly not possible to understand her wavelength. Normal decent people don’t behave like this.

There will always be times perhaps when a friend hits a buffer of being suddenly out of work, relationship breakdowns, unexpected huge bill etc that we would support a friend through and happily foot some bills for in terms of socialising. But this isn’t one of them. This is just pure entitlement and using.

Honestly I’d give up on the £20 and her altogether. She knows she owes you that money, but rather than paying she’s just complained about her needs. She won’t change, she has no motivation to change! She likes other people funding her social life. Just walk away.