Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

My sister is middle aged like me. On being told that I wasn't changing my surname on getting married, after 30 years and two children together, because I like being Ms Day, was shocked to the core. She told me that I had to, it wasn't legal otherwise.

There is a lot of ignorance about.

Been with DH since the 70s and I am 66.
I know literally no other person my age or friends who didn't change her name on marriage.
I've had a lifetime of wrong names. As has DH. I couldn't get annoyed about it, we just answer to MrsHisname or MrHername.
Cards - I'd be happy to get one.

Why on earth would it seem more weird to use her actual name, rather than Mrs Not her name?! That sounds like exactly what my MIL says and I just think every time she sounds so stupid saying it. "Oh it looks so funny writing Ms FSO ". So you know and get it wrong anyway? Ok... Weird thing to do on purpose.

Oh good grief. Molehill to mountain.

the envelope largely just gets the item to the correct house.

youve used your power of deduction to work out who the card is for. Bloody open them & read what they've written. Is it love or something nasty?

it's what's INSIDE that matters!!

My theory is that some women who changed their names on marriage without even giving a second thought to the alternative feel quite defensive now they've realised that other women see this as a patriarchal tradition and opt not to follow it. So they feel slightly judged by women who don't change their names on marriage, and probably don't want it to become the mainstream option because it will make women who do change their names look old fashioned and unfeminist. Deliberately addressing a woman by her husband's name when you know she has kept her own name is a passive aggressive, "you think you're better than us but you're not".

Putting a full address and name makes it more likely to get there. If you get the wrong house number or postcode or it gets smudged in the post for example.

Also postmen don't memorise postcodes but an experienced postman will know all the street names and a lot of the surnames on their patch so it makes their job easier and therefore they are more likely to get it right

I guess it could be PA but more likely to be they aren't detail people and it isn't important enough to them to remember - or they half remember but aren't sure which way round it is now so guess incorrectly.

Every year I used to get a birthday card delivered for my neighbour at #45 (we're at #25) - thankfully we're friends so I recognise the name and know who it is for. She told the person sending it that they have her address written down incorrectly for about 8 years before they finally changed it in their address book!

We have relatives who insist on spelling our street name incorrectly (can be spelt two ways, the way it is actually spelt is the least popular of the two) - they will never spell it right. I accept that now and given up trying. They've visited us numerous times over 20+ years and must've seen the street sign. Not detail people.

It is clearly important to you so I would thank them for the card and remind them of your name again every single year until they finally get it. They might.

The first few posts you've received in response are predictable. But of course YANBU. It's inconsiderate. It's intended to invalidate, particularly if someone doesn't have the excuse of not knowing your name fine well.

If a person refuses to afford someone the absolute basic courtesy of their own name then it's a pretty poor show. If it isn't suggestive of the state of the relationship, and the extent to which they value that person, then it certainly leaves that impression.

Which is why I suspect it's often done to put women back in our box. You've dared to have the upstart pretension to assert your own personal identity. See also, 'but your husband's name is your legal name'. No, it isn't. Your name is your name unless you go out of your way to change it.

It happens to me frequently. I don't respond, either to correct the name (after the first twice, why give them the satisfaction of knowing they've hit the mark?) or, for that matter, to thank them for the card. Why offer thanks when I've asked to be called by my actual name and been refused that basic courtesy? I'd rather they didn't bother sending one at all, and were it not that they're intent on making this point I don't think they'd bother: they never did before I had DC. At least that would be more honest.

As to addressing me by my accurate title of 'Dr', hell would freeze over first. The extent to which that would stick in the craw is actually quite entertaining. 😂

Mountain out of a molehill. Out of interest, why do you refer to them in your OP as your mum's sisters and not as your aunts?

My 80+ MIL, who's lived a very "traditional" life, was delighted on my wedding day that I would now been known as Skywalker. It burst her bubble when I told her I would remain a Kinobi. Now, she does many things to piss me off but she always addresses mail using my proper name. Even though it's not how she was brought up.

I think this is a feminist issue because in a world where you can be arrested for misgendering a man, noone gives a toss about women's feelings/identity.

Please don't do this, it's extremely twattish. It comes across like you're trying to tell her she should have changed her name so you aren't going to respect her decision not to. Just use her name.

I would rather someone didn't bother to send me a card than sent me a card which will end up in the recycling anyway and which comes across like a passive aggressive reminder that they either can't be arsed to remember my actual name or they're deliberately choosing not to because they don't respect my choice.

I'm with you OP. If people care about me then I think knowing my name is a minimal expectation.
I am 54. Am I now 'the older generation', stuck in my ways?
I am quite able to remember and respect how my friends and family like to be called.

Don't do that, it's really rude.

Is “Coward” your ex husband’s surname, or the one you were born with?

Lot of bollocks being talked on this thread about “older generation” etc. They are in their 50s and they KNOW OP has not changed her name. They clearly think she SHOULD have, and are calling her a name that she has not ever used. That’s rude.

Your name is at the centre of your identity. It’s the first thing anyone asks to find out who you are. The tradition of women changing it on marriage is a hangover from when she transferred from her father’s ownership to that of her husband. It’s an outward declaration that your own identity matters less than your relationship to a man. OP has every right to reject that bullshit and her family have had twenty years to get used to it.

Oh, they do. Otherwise this wouldn't be a point of such contention.

Some women are desperate to misinform other women that their name isn't really their own, but in actuality it belongs to their father, grandfather, first husband, and BTW, if they divorce that name must be handed back to said husband tout suite. It 'belongs' to him, not her.

Women should know where their box is and keep within it. That's certainly the message that comes over loud and clear with most MN variations on this theme.

Your SIL probably thinks you are a thick twat. Just use her name or don’t bother sending a card.

My dh's aunty deliberatly puts all our surname's wrong - she is friends with me and dh and facebook so knows what our name is, but cannot bring herself to do it correctly. But it shows her up to be ridiculous, so I never comment, just roll my eyes when no one is looking!!

I think this is a feminist issue because in a world where you can be arrested for misgendering a man, noone gives a toss about women's feelings/identity.

Such a great point.

And of course, as with the trans issue, unfortunately some of the sexism is coming from inside the house.

so pretty much exactly what OP actually said : "It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all." ???
I seem to have missed the part where OP suggested she was going to ring some old ladies up and shout abuse at them for misnaming her? She's just posing the question on a chat forum, no idea why people are taking it so personally.

Yeah it's rude, although ironically probably done with the intention of using the 'correct' etiquette. Except that naming convention only applies if someone has changed their name. If they haven't it was as rude in the 1930s or wherever as it is now.

I bet all the 'get over yourself'-ers would be a bit annoyed/confused if they got a birthday card addressed to Jane when their name was Emily. It doesn't matter if it's surname rather that first name, it's equally wrong and not your name.

Only if you're sure they live in a house and not a flat. Someone sent me post addressed to just my first name (not long after I got married, possibly because he wasn't sure what my surname was!) and didn't realise that 120 families live at my address!

My theory is that some women who changed their names on marriage without even giving a second thought to the alternative feel quite defensive now they've realised that other women see this as a patriarchal tradition and opt not to follow it. So they feel slightly judged by women who don't change their names on marriage, and probably don't want it to become the mainstream option because it will make women who do change their names look old fashioned and unfeminist.

This is utter nonsense.

The big deal is that you can't deposit cheques that are made out to a totally different name because apparently the bank is able to tell the difference between the name of a person that doesn't exist and one that does even if your friends and family aren't. And if someone called you husband'strousers instead of dressorskirt I'm sure you would find it annoying since it is not and has NEVER been your name.

Then how do you explain women who changed their names on marriage who continue to address women who didn't change their names on marriage by their husband's name even when they have been asked repeatedly to stop doing it?

To me that goes beyond, "I don't agree with your choice so I'm not going to respect it" (which is rude enough). To me that says, "I feel threatened by your choice."