Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

Yep.

According to her, if a woman has made the correct choice (taking her husband's name) it would be an insult not to remember that, but if a woman has made the incorrect choice (keeping her own name), nobody can possibly be expected to remember that, and even if they do remember it, they can't possibly be expected to respect it because calling a married woman by anything other than her husband's name goes against their own ingrained good manners.

Make it make sense.

🙃

(Good thing her DIL made the correct choice, because you can bet your life that if she had kept her own name she'd be one of the posters on here complaining that her MIL refused to use her correct surname.)

@Rhaidimiddim I wrote my comment before it was said how old the Aunties are.
I do think it's a bit odd for women of that age (50s) to automatically do it (I had assumed they were older aunties in their 70s/80s) especially as I expect the OP has pointed it out over the last 20 years.
To me though (personally) it would be just a little bit annoying but not worth being petty enough not to open the cards.

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat Now you are being pedantic, trying to police other people's words. You know what @NZDreaming meant. You must have a very difficult life expending so much energy being offended by language that is used every day.

Some ageist stuff on this thread. I am the ancient age of 58 and kept my name when I got married. It was my dad’s surname not my mum’s though, so I’ve got a bit of an issue with that too…

YANBU OP, the people sending you those cards are rude. It’s rude not to call someone by their preferred name.

Maiden name is a really grim expression though when you think about it for two seconds.

If you think that's what I've been saying, you haven't been reading my posts.

If only I just got names wrong on the rare occasion I remember to send a card.
My speciality seems to be sending cards to people who have died.

Is there a possibility that they have just forgotten? Not everyone attends to the details of your life as much as you think they do.... It may just be habit because lots of people don't do this. And you're getting in a stew about it and thinking mean thoughts about these people who actually took the time to write you a card. I would just tell them not to bother next time if you are thinking the worst of them so easily, you obviously don't like any of them very much to begin with.

@MissScarletInTheBallroom yes it is a bit ridiculous but we all know it is used in the context of a woman's name before marriage as opposed to post marriage, not referring to girl hood or virginity or whatever it's original meaning was. A bastard isn't a child born out of marriage anymore, words change. Yes maybe its one of those that could be phased out but it is used all the time in official documents. Maybe OP could spend some time campaigning against it's official use instead of berating posters on MN.

According to her, if a woman has made the correct choice (taking her husband's name) it would be an insult not to remember that, but if a woman has made the incorrect choice (keeping her own name), nobody can possibly be expected to remember that, and even if they do remember it, they can't possibly be expected to respect it because calling a married woman by anything other than her husband's name goes against their own ingrained good manners.

Of course it doesn't make sense because that's not what I've said.

(Good thing her DIL made the correct choice, because you can bet your life that if she had kept her own name she'd be one of the posters on here complaining that her MIL refused to use her correct surname.) Why would I do that, when I myself have kept my own name?

My in laws make a point of sending an anniversary card every year with Mr and Mrs His Name on it. They were so pissed I didn't take their name when we married. Made worse when we had DS1 and we double barrelled with my family name appearing first 🫢. I consider it all they have left to do to remind me they're annoyed 🤷🏼 I laugh every year and then forget about it

Before marriage/after marriage assumes that there will be a marriage though. Hence "old maid" being used to describe a woman who failed to get herself married.

It's weird to use the term "maiden name" for a woman who has never been married, because she might never marry and that's OK. And it's doubly weird to use it for a woman who is married and has chosen to keep her own name.

The existence of the term "maiden name" for women and no equivalent "little boy name" term for men presupposes that a girl will both marry (or else have failed in life) and take her husband's surname when she does. Whereas with boys we assume that they will keep their names, so there is no equivalent.

And yes, I know, language evolves, but the little girl/virgin connotations give me the ick in this day and age. Language needs to evolve so we don't use this ridiculous term anymore.

This just isn't consistent with you saying that your gut instinct is that it's polite to address a woman by her husband's name.

I am not sure if I'm remembering it correctly but I'm sure my mum used to make me address to my grandparents - Mr and Mrs his initial his surname. Just seems bizarre but I guess that's how it was done. I guess that generation will still address things like that so I can imagine using his surname is the norm for them. I couldn't get wound up about it tbh. My partner is often referred to as my husband and I never bother correcting anyone.

Is it not in the same vein as bridesmaids and maid of honour. They’re just terms that are used which I doubt many would object to given how commonly used they are. Technically they imply virginal maids and a married woman being given the honour of being a maid for the day. This is not what people interpret these as anymore so how is saying maiden name sexist but bridesmaid or maid of honour not? I get people can chose language they feel comfortable with and agree language should evolve to be more inclusive but acting like you can’t understand when someone uses words that have common parlance is being obtuse.

I had neither. My best mate was the Best Woman, DH’s the Best Man. I wasn’t walked down the aisle or given away.

We’re atheists so DD has Mentors, not Godparents.

The meaning of words and traditions and their origin is important to me.

What I was brought up with was that "women take their husband's name on marriage, and that;s the correct way to address them", I kept my name, which was very much a minority choice at the time. Now it's not such a minority choice, it may even be the norm, and you need to know what each woman chooses. If I'm not sure, my upbringing veers me towards using husband's name as the "safe" choice. However, I know I'm out of date. So I cop out and use first names only for a couple. Someone older than me quite possibly find that difficult, and I understand why they would veer to using husband's name. (I've been addressing OP's original question - not sure what 50 year-old aunts were up to).

It's not that I think it's polite to address a woman by her husbands name, it's that, when I was growing up, it was less likely to cause offence than calling them by their pre-marriage name.

A lot of what I do to be polite isn't what my gut instinct is, it's what I remind myself I have to do now that views of politeness have moved on half a century. It's a bit like an English person having a meal in a culture where it's polite to slurp your soup. You'd do it, to be polite to your hosts, but inside it wouldn't feel like good manners.

Is it not in the same vein as bridesmaids and maid of honour. Isn't it matron of honour

@MereDintofPandiculation I don't believe you. If you'd kept your name you'd know that the polite thing to do is ask a woman what name she is now using, and then use it.

It's not that I think it's polite to address a woman by her husbands name, it's that, when I was growing up, it was less likely to cause offence than calling them by their pre-marriage name.

Lots of things have changed since I was growing up. Kids don’t do PE in pants and vest. Police vans aren’t called Paddywagons. Smacking kids is banned, as is smoking in public places.

Presumably you’ve learned to cope with this. How come this is worth retaining?

Like many older people, I write Christmas cards as a means of keeping in touch - I don't necessarily know their phone number, I can't just text or phone and ask them. So I do what I think is least likely to offend.

I've never taken offence at people calling me Mrs his-name. Nor has DH taken offence at people calling him Mr my-name. (what I do correct is people calling me Mrs my-name not Ms. I've never been married to my father)

I haven't tried to make a case for it to be retained, that's you putting words into my mouth. I've suggested why people of my age or older may find it difficult.

Yes but I don’t think that is used very often these days, most people would say maid of honour.

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat theres no issue with having a best woman or mentors in place of godparents but that’s not what everyone does. I was just commenting that language containing ‘maid’ is still common place whether rightly or wrongly. You have every right to be called whatever you want and to be offended that someone is misnaming you. Clearly these things matter to you, I was just requesting a bit of courtesy when responding to a helpful suggestion meant with no ill intent.

She’s been telling them for 20 years that that’s not her name, and it’s never been her name. So this “forgetting” of her name must be an annual thing.

The number of posters telling OP it’s not a big deal, and that she’s somehow arrogant, rude or self centred for wanting to be called by her OWN NAME is shocking.