Do you do this? If so, WHY???????!!!!!!

[ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat]

It’s my birthday. 47 years on this planet. Had the same name for all of them.

Just two cards through the post, one from each of my mum’s sisters. Both of whom came to my wedding 20 years ago, where the words Mr + Mrs Hisname never appeared, and the cheques they each kindly gave us had to be corrected because neither of us changed our names. (They noticed we hadn’t cashed them and we had to tell them we couldn’t pay them in as we had no joint account (still don’t) and so no account existed that would recognise me as Sarah Hisname.

So why, 20 years on, with a few gentle reminders on the way, are the envelopes addressed to Mrs S Hisname and Sarah Myname-Hisname?

It’s very sweet of them to send cards at all, as a text would be absolutely fine, but I’m bamboozled by why anyone would go to the effort of buying and sending a card to someone and using a name they have NEVER used?

So if you do this, WHY?!

Ah the old “men own their names but women just borrow them” shit.

It’s 2024. My name is my name. Calling me by anything other than that is a fucking insult.

Would be unusual to use Mrs with her birth name.

You’re incredibly rude. Have you ever asked her how she wants to be referred to? Why is calling her Mrs Hisname any less weird than using her actual name?

It’s 2024. My name is my name. Calling me by anything other than that is a fucking insult. DIL has decided to take DS's name. It might be an insult to her not to call her by that name. It isn't by default an insult to call someone by their husband's name. It would be if the person knew that it was wrong and was doing it deliberately.

I’m not opening them.

Unless you have good reason to think they are deliberately trying to be offensive, that seems very petty.

in general I don’t think this was a big deal but in these circumstances in does seem they are being deliberately obtuse, especially as your daughter has your maiden name which they manage to remember.

if cards are unopened I’d be tempted to return to sender with not known at this address written on the front.

If your DIL had chosen to take your son’s name then that is now her name, and it would be rude of me to insist on using her birth name. Her (chosen) name is her actual name.

But apparently my name isn’t valid and I should be okay about being referred to in relation to my husband rather than by my actual name.

How does that work?

If I wasn’t married and changed my name to deedpoll, would it be fine and dandy for them to ignore that choice too?

It’s not a maiden name.

How isn’t it deliberate at this point? It’s been years, they see her name on Facebook, they manage to remember DD has that name etc.

Did I miss something? I thought you said you hadn’t changed your name when getting married. Did you change it to something other than your birth surname?

Read the thread. There are lots of people that care. Indeed, more than half do based on the poll.

Why would you open a card that isn’t addressed to you?

I imagine OP isn’t a fan of the term maiden name. It’s like you said, her birth name.

Way to miss the point. If you can remember which out of the 366 possible dates is someone's birthday (and usually the year as well) you can certainly remember their name.

Especially if what you are being asked to do is remember that they haven't changed their name and so it is the same as it always was, rather than remember their new name.

It’s my birth surname. Maiden name is an outdated (sexist) term relating to your name before marriage. It can only refer to a name that was changed. As I have only ever had one name, I don’t have a maiden name. It’s just my name.

Yes, it's rude to call anybody by a name other than the one they actually go by.

You're quite close to getting it now.

It is not old-fashioned etiquette. I must be the same age as the aunties here (60's) and I wouldn't do this. They are being rude and daft, and I'd be telling them not to bother sending cards in future IF THEY CAN'T EVEN BE BOTHETED TO GET MY NAME RIGHT.

@SouthLondonMum22 thank you for clarifying, I wasn’t aware this was an issue for some people.
@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat i was offering you a solution to address the situation with your aunts that would send a clear message, instead of receiving that with the intent it was offered you chose to give a response I didn’t understand.

I was under the impression that once you are married your birth surname was referred to as your maiden name regardless of whether you changed your name or not. You knew what I meant and could have clarified, you seem to want to be offended.

She knows the card is intended for her. She is choosing to treat the card as a deliberate and calculated piece of rudeness. I wouldn't make that choice.

At this point, it is deliberate.

I'm not taking lessons on politeness from anyone as deliberately rude as you.

There might be a fiver inside ! Or a tenner.

Perhaps you should, since you've been on this thread for ages defending why you think it's OK to call people what you believe they should call themselves rather than their actual name.

It would be a waste of your time even trying. She's constructed some batshit idea of politeness where asking what someone is called is a problem. Some people are beyond help.

If the card is intended for the OP, it should use her name. It’s really not hard.