To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

It’s not that I ‘won’t’ answer the question. It’s just that I haven’t because it’s not relevant. On a couple of occasions I’ve been away with work, once we split it and the other time he did. Hasn’t made a difference.

Inconsiderate cheapskates.

Well Op does bring condoms so 🤷‍♀️

But it shouldn’t need a conversation because it’s so obvious. Stop making excuses for these adult men!

@InWithThePlums the adult men aren't bothered/don't really want to wear them though so it's not really making excuses. They just do it when one is provided as the other choice no sex. They are hoping that's not the case though (hence not bringing their own or initiating a conversation themselves)

Why would you be surprised that such low calibre men wouldn’t bring condoms?

Why do you think that people who have hook ups are low calibre? Am I?

totally no judgement I get why you like it there’s such a thrill to it. I would expect them to bring their own…one shows they have respect for you and themselves, two they might have a preference/allergy/size etc makes it better for them. However like you I would bring some just in case, but i agree with you it’s the expectation that either you have them or are fine without, that would bug me. Yes if i choose to not use anything then thats my choice but don’t turn up with the expectation of not

Was going to say similar.

Casual (and safe) sex has no bearing on the calibre of a person.

This is about my partners whose approach to risk seems to either be that they don’t care at all expect me to care for them.

I think YABU to think that these men give a shit about you or your health. In fact I reckon most of them would be quite happy not to use a condom, they only agree to them because the alternative is no sex.

The risks to them are lower, no pregnancy (or responsibility for a child) and STIs are mostly treatable (though I doubt it even occurs to most of them when there's an imminent chance of getting their leg over.

"I always exchange photos and then have a video call. The call is for safety reassurance purposes really but also doubles up as a way of working out if I find them attractive."

Probably not the take out you'd expect but all I can think is what if they smell/have bad breath when you meet in real life?!

Where did OP say it should only be their responsibility? Clearly both need to be responsible.

It’s been a very long time but I always made sure I had condoms. I never did specific hookups but when I was single I’d always be prepared if I did hookup with anyone. I’d never trust a guy who didn’t come prepared either.

My friends use to laugh I was their go to person if they scored or if we ran into a stag party playing games like get a condom off someone, everyone would point to me. It wasn’t as if I hooked up often I just made sure I was prepared.

My ExHs reasoning was condoms were expensive for men to buy but women could get them free or cheap through family planning, ok kinda get that to an extent. Guess who got custody of our free supply from the Drs when we split up… It probably wouldn’t surprise you he also has a child from a one night stand!

You realise the whole point of the thread is that it’s only OP taking responsibility here, yet you somehow twist that into why should only men take responsibility?! Amazing work.

To be honest OP, I can’t remember a single man I’ve had sex with being the one to suggest condoms first. I’m not saying none did, but they would certainly have been in the minority. Men are bigger risk takers in general.

That’s what I thought! If there’s no preamble, how on earth does that play out?

I think it’s tricky when it’s so kind of transactional. Even down to the hotel room.

It’s not rocket science. They’re meeting in a hotel. Most hotels have bars, those that don’t will have reception areas with seating. They can meet there, break the ice, chat etc and make sure both want to proceed.

You should both bring them.

Men can't become pregnant but they can catch STIs from women and even develop penile cancer from HPV (and it's on the increase, evidently.)

OP says they are expecting sex and there’s no romantic dinner scenario. Maybe they do have a drink, but it sounds like it’s meet me in room 320 😎. At which point, you could be vulnerable if you want to back out.

You run the same risks, physically, as someone who's doing this for payment.

I think an STI is the least of your concerns compared to being beaten up or worse by some dodgy bloke you've never met and are in hotel room with.

Do you have escape plans if they turn nasty?

And to suggest that I am incapable as a woman of behaving in a way that I consider acceptably risky is both disempowering and rude.

The odds are you aren't as strong as 99% of men.

The risk is there.

You're being rather defensive when we point this out.

It only takes one nutter to become aggressive and you'd be hard pushed to get out of the room.

I said nothing about a romantic dinner. Yes, they’re meeting for sex. But that doesn’t mean they necessarily meet in the bedroom. It’s perfectly reasonable and indeed sensible to meet in the lobby or bar to have a chat/drink and ensure both are comfortable. Any man who refused to do that should be avoided, and most women who do meet guys for hook-ups are sensible enough to do this.

I think if you’re online offering random men sex, strangers op, then you should bring your own contraception, as you do, when they turn up to take up your offer , whether they bring any or not is irrelevant

You are right that I’m probably not as physically strong as most men. However, for that to become an issue requires the man to place me in a position from which I need to physically fight him off. It’s that risk that is the pertinent one. You’re right that it ‘only takes one nutter’ but I assess the likelihood of nuttiness in my interactions with the man prior to going to a hotel room with him. I can never reduce the risk of anything to zero, including him being a nutcase or the hotel catching fire whilst I’m there or me falling down the stairs to my death on the way out. But I make assessments and act accordingly. Others are of course perfectly entitled to make a different assessment of risk and thus act differently.

I never meet them in the room. Always downstairs somewhere (bar, lobby and car park have been used in the past).

It may be sensible but you’re not OP, so you are only assuming what she does.