To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

I think you are being very sensible to bring and use condoms. With the guy who did bring some, did you trust his or use your own?

As to why men are not bringing them? I guess you could ask them (maybe you can educate the hook-up community in your area) and explain your own experience, that the best sex was with someone who came equipped.

I was going to say. My ONS’s never involved video calls or carefully planning a hotel.

Shows the need to wear one if they're regularly going without!
I think you should ask the men to bring them to ensure it's a good fit for them.

Thinking about it, almost every man has brought their own condoms, I'd also expect them to do so especially if they have a preference (size etc). I also have/ bring my own every time but I would also find it weird not have any. Maybe they're married/ attached ones as people say here.

Just curious, when you organize hook ups, who pays the hotel room?

YUP

@WhimsicalGubbins76

im not 'simple' before you start that with me.

YOU said

These “hook ups” ARE one night stands, and in many ways much more dangerous. These are men seeking out loose women, it’s the whole intent

that does not indicate THEIR thoughts at all. If you're going to be so offensive, own it.

@Dockofthebaobun

I'm a control freak, so I prefer to use 'my' condoms anyway, I wouldn't give him the opportunity to disappoint me as I just have one ready (on bedside table or wherever is appropriate).

@Dockofthebaobun I'm really sorry for the crap that people are giving you. I can't blame you for doing this TBH it sounds fine to me but I woukd say that meeting men like this I woukd always father use a condom I brought and know about I woukd hate to find it was an old one that had been in his wallet for years or he had put a hole in or damaged in any other way! Trust your own always.

Umm, yes, yes it does. “These are men seeking out loose women” this bit describes their thought process, it groups them together to explain how they view their hookups. “It’s the whole intent” describes their pre planned action at finding what they view as “loose women”

Why should they demonstrate respect and responsibility?
They presumably know nothing about OP, whether she is worthy of respect. She is just a stranger who wants to have sex with them. They don't owe her respect.
They are responsible for their own sexual health yes. But presumably assume she is responsible for her own.

I know someone who was caught when his partner saw it on the 'regular items' of the clubcard history thing 🫣.

Unless you're using condoms for oral too or not doing oral and just basic sex then there's still a big STI risk. I wouldn't be risking that for some randomer that doesn't have any respect for you.

Agree with this, and I think men show the same lack of value/respect to the paid prossies (so will try to get away with bareback if they can).

This IS Mumsnet, OP.
Why aren't you at home crocheting a chicken instead of having a no-strings pleasurable experience on your terms..?

Loose women? 🤨

The reason men do not bring condoms is because that is what turns them on.
Just as your’s is meeting strangers for hook-ups because it excites you- the man is turning up without condoms because that is what excites him. He enjoys feeling the ‘naughtiness’ just as you do when you have a hook-up (as you’ve stated in previous post).
For someone so open-minded I’m surprised you’ve felt the need to ask this question OP, surely it’s obvious?

I think all people involved are responsible for bringing condoms as that’s what a responsible adult should do when they choose to have a sexual encounter but it would tell me a lot about the man and by that I mean it would tell me about the type of man he is when he doesn’t!

It doesn’t really affect me as I’m not dating but my blanket rule is no condom no sex.
it would also put me off him if he turned up knowing we were going to have sex but without a condom because that means he is almost certainly happy (or worse prefers to) without one and it saying he doesn’t respect me/our sexual safety but also how many others has he had sex with unprotected!

OP can do what she likes .

It just seems double standards that she has started a thread about the bad attitude of the men she " hooks up" with when by the very nature of her life style choice she is hardly going to be meeting up with men who give a damn about their sexual partner anyway.

Why do you assume that the nature of my lifestyle (by which I assume you mean four hookups in two years) means that I won’t meet men who care about their sexual partners? Why assume that they’re all attached? I’m not. Why assume they are reckless as to my health when they have all worn condoms?

There is a nasty streak of misandry, misogyny and general misanthropy that runs through so many threads on here. Yes some people are idiots. But not all people are awful.

Well I occasionally have sex with strangers and I do consider their feelings and safety so yes I would fucking expect that in return! Bloody hell.

OP the fact you won’t answer the question about who pays for the hotel room suggests the men pay. Which probably makes them think you should be buying the condoms. Either that or they genuinely don’t give a shit about your or their sexual health.

Yeah but will the thrill still be there when he’s got herpes and child to pay for? It’s one thing likely a bit of casual sex now and again, it’s quite another to do it without protection.

It takes 2 to tango. Why should it just be the blokes responsibility?

If it's just purely casual though, then why do you care if they care about you or not? Obviously you should expect them to be respectful but you are your own priority. If a guy carries condoms, he's doing it to protect his own sexual health and to avoid being tied to you with a child. Look after your own health and you can't go wrong.