To expect men to bring condoms

[Dockofthebaobun]

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

No - all of my hookups have taken the same precautions as me. They have all used a condom when we’ve had sex. My point is that some came unprepared to do so and I wondered if it was a) because they genuinely forgot b) because they expected me to be responsible for it c) they just didn’t care or d) they actively prefer no condom.

I’d roll my eyes at b but can’t understand c or d.

The reward I get is multifaceted. Like i said in a previous post - the excitement beforehand, the thrill, the memories afterwards and obviously the enjoyment of the sex itself. I love sex and make no apologies for it.

Yes, even in the best case scenario of them genuinely having forgotten, that's not a desirable trait in a casual sex partner!

I’m not, unfortunately. Women who enjoy casual sex have always been judged harshly here. There’s some terrible internalised misogyny on this site. I’ve been referred to as “as loose as a broken hair tie” on a thread for posting about a casual encounter.

Don't be so ridiculous. No-one is being 'goady.' Merely realistic - and quite concerned. No WAY can anyone say the OP is not putting herself in danger with these 'casual fucks with random men off the internet 'hook-ups.'

Saying 'oh but some women get into long term relationships with abusive/weird men' as one poster said - as a defence to what the OP is doing - is utterly ludicrous. There is no comparison. The OP is literally locking herself in a hotel room with some random bloke off the internet, who, by her own admission, seemingly cannot be fucked to bring a condom. He is happy to pass any nasty STIs onto her, or leave her pregnant.

And as has been said, God knows who these men are, or what they're capable of. The OP is putting herself in danger/at risk every time she meets up with one of these men for a fuck in a hotel room. Hook-up!

There is nothing clever or 'empowering' about what the OP is doing. It's risky and dangerous.

But I suppose all the naysayers on here and stuffy and judgy, and are 'clutching our pearls' eh?!

FFS!

.

No judgement here, I get the appeal, but to answer your specific question:

wondered if it was a) because they genuinely forgot b) because they expected me to be responsible for it c) they just didn’t care or d) they actively prefer no condom.

I'd say it's a combo of 'D' and also quite likely E) they don't want their wives finding condoms on them so it's safer not to have any and leave it up to you.

I have to admit I have done this sort of thing before, meeting men like that and when I think about it now I am absolutely horrified at the danger I've put myself in.

If the man doesn't bring condoms I think you should actually just leave the hotel room immediately because they are not thinking of your safety and that could have other repercussions.

Why isn’t there a comparison? Women are statistically in far more danger and risk with men they know.

It’s OP’s body and OP’s choice. As she has said, she’s far more likely to crash her car on the way there than anything bad happen at the hotel.

Casual sex is hardly unusual.

There is no comparison. The OP is literally locking herself in a hotel room with some random bloke off the internet

Many, many, many, many more women are killed by their partners than by random blokes in hotel rooms. Your moral panic about the OP's risk level is akin to the misperception that paedos are old pervs in bushes who pounce on kids as opposed to people in the family who you know and think you can trust. Of course some paedos are in bushes and some psychos are in hotel rooms, but my point stands whether you grasp it or not. I'm obviously not saying that it's risk-free, of course it's not, but the OP is extremely clear about the situation and her safety, she's not an idiot who needs it pointing out as if it's never crossed her mind.

Thank you for answering. Fair enough. It's fortunate that the sex, so far, has been 'good'. Again, another question that you don't have to answer - what do you consider 'good' sex? And another - if the sex has been good, do the shags want a return go at another time?

You are not being unreasonable but smart single women carry condoms in their handbags just in case. Then you know they are there if you need one.

Over the years l’ve “loaned” more to girl friends on a night out than l’ve had need for myself, bit never mind.

I think it’s even weirder in a hook up scenario like this not to bring condoms. They know they will be having sex, and the fact you are both engaging in casual sex increases the risk of STIs ( no judgement btw - just higher risk than someone who is monogamous)

I think older guys are the worst. When I was late teens/ early twenties, all guys used them. There’s a lot more of this from men now in my 40’s- I think lots of these men have been used to a marriage where wife was on the pill / coil and they’ve got lazy.

Oh I know. And it's always the smaller guys who pretend they are too big. The ones who genuinely ARE big never make a thing about it - the biggest guy I've had just slipped on a condom, & me being young and naive (at the time!) said "hold on did I see what I thought I saw?" (etc etc etc), whereas I've had 5 or 6ers who've said "hope you've got a big c cos I've got a big p".
[Yeah mate, I'm an innocent liccle girly who's never seen a decent one!]

Each to their own, and I would never judge you for doing with your life what you choose but it’s NOT safer than one night stands.
These “hook ups” ARE one night stands, and in many ways much more dangerous. These are men seeking out loose women, it’s the whole intent. As long as you always bring condoms, then their lack of respect for you and your body should be the least of your worries.
Please be safer about this. Have a friend who always knows where you are. Make sure the man is fully aware you have someone who is kept updated on your whereabouts. Chatting to someone via text before hand is not getting to know them. You can be anyone you want behind a screen.
For example, I’m a super rich, modelesque barbie doll of a woman, with a husband that could give Pedro Pascal a run for his money. Or am I? You’ll never know

This has happened with literally every single man I’ve slept with (less than 10 but still). I will usually have some if expecting things to progress, but as soon as sex is off the table without a condom they will usually manage to produce one or go and buy some. Gives me the ick to be honest.

To those saying the OP is putting herself in danger meeting a stranger in a hotel, consider a woman meeting a man in a bar/club/pub, getting on well and meeting for a date another night. You could get into any number of dangerous situations with him. I know women who've had lucky escapes from seemingly nice men whom they met in bars.
Anyway, that isn't really the point, as OP started the thread to discuss the condom question, not the morality of what she does.

This.

Back when I was single I carried my own because I take absolute responsibility for my sexual health. But I definitely judged men who didn’t, and found it a turn off without being quite able to articulate why. In fact the only time I had sex, using my condom was, with hindsight, more of a rape situation than I recognised at the time.

Bet they are married

@WhimsicalGubbins76 "loose women" made me laugh, it reminds me of my nana's reaction to someone going out without a vest 😂

Exactly! I can get one over my hand and along my arm up to my elbow! Just saying 😀.

“Loose women”? Is it 1958?

In my younger days i sometimes met men in clubs, and shagged them at their place an hour later. As did many of my friends. Obviously we were aware of the risks and judged them accordingly. My assessment is that my type of hook up (which comes, as I have said elsewhere, after a video call) is less risky.

Of course you’re judging if you are using the term loose. Are these men loose too or does it just apply to women?

healthybychristmas · Today 14:52

I have to admit I have done this sort of thing before, meeting men like that and when I think about it now I am absolutely horrified at the danger I've put myself in.

Exactly this. ^ OP is putting herself at risk hugely. As is any women doing what she's doing.

But I'm just repeating myself now. You do you @Dockofthebaobun Just be careful PLEASE! But in answer to your OP question. YABU. You need to take condoms. It shouldn't always be the man doing it.

I'm out. Take care.

🤣🤣

"Loose women?" Nice 1950s misogynistic language there.