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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect men to bring condoms

424 replies

Dockofthebaobun · 12/10/2024 11:50

Since my divorce I’ve occasionally had hook-ups with men I’ve got chatting to online. The first time, the guy didn’t have condoms on him so we used mine. I thought it was odd for someone to meet for a shag and not bring condoms, and I wondered if he had genuinely forgotten or was just trying to chance it and see if I would without (er, not on your life mate, sorry).
Since then I have had three more hookups, the latest being last night. And now three out of four have ‘forgotten’ condoms.

What is it with these guys? They are all in their late 30s / 40s, all professional well-spoken men, with jobs and responsibilities and things. Why would they be so thoughtless and/or reckless with their sexual health?

Incidentally the best date by far was the one guy who did bring his own. I don’t think that’s necessarily a coincidence!

AIBU to expect them to bring their own? I always bring some, but God why should it be my responsibility?

OP posts:
Dockofthebaobun · 12/10/2024 17:40

MrsLBrown · 12/10/2024 17:38

The issue is you aren't happy to be challenged on what you're doing.

You do whatever you like.

I’ve been challenged on what I’m doing all afternoon and have engaged politely throughout. The issue isn’t that I don’t like being challenged. It’s that I don’t agree with you. And I suggest that that’s your issue not mine.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 12/10/2024 17:41

Your body, your responsibility, you'd be the one carrying the baby..... Sure they should take responsibility but equally so should you. Never rely on someone else.

Foopa · 12/10/2024 17:47

The man should supply them as theres many differnet brands and sizes.

MrsLBrown · 12/10/2024 17:56

Dockofthebaobun · 12/10/2024 17:40

I’ve been challenged on what I’m doing all afternoon and have engaged politely throughout. The issue isn’t that I don’t like being challenged. It’s that I don’t agree with you. And I suggest that that’s your issue not mine.

I don't have an issue with you not agreeing with me.

I do have an issue with another woman taking risks that are acknowledged as being risky. And who minimises them to suit her own behaviour, especially the thrill of the event.

Frankensteinslittlefriend · 12/10/2024 17:58

Dockofthebaobun · 12/10/2024 17:06

I don’t ’offer’ sex. We agree to have sex. They don’t ’turn up to take up my offer’. We both arrive to have the sex we’ve agreed to have.

Does these phrases make it feel more acceptable to you? Thr bottom line is, take your own condoms when meeting strangers for sex

Frankensteinslittlefriend · 12/10/2024 18:00

Wellingtonspie · 12/10/2024 17:39

Have you thought about the possibility the ones without condoms have girlfriends/partners/wives which is why they don’t have condoms because they have a main relationship and thus if they suddenly found condoms on him suspicion would obviously be huge.

Not your problem as such there but whatever website your meeting these men in who know they are getting sex first date but don’t bring one are not good honest men.

Because a good man would want to make sure his protected because not to be mean but you could be carrying anything or trying for a free sperm donor for all he knows.

At least out of four one was decent

It’s not a date. It is simply a meeting between strangers for sex. It isn’t a date by any stretch of the imagination.

Chakkakhan · 12/10/2024 18:11

MrsLBrown · 12/10/2024 17:10

Kindly, OP, you're creating 'less risk' in your head to suit your behaviour. You're coming over as condescending as if you have some better 'vision' on the likelihood of attacks, yet the facts are very simple.

You're at risk having sex with an unknown man in a locked hotel room.
A man is always going to able to overpower you.

You can't 'assess' a man in the short time you talk to him before you have sex.
The man will be charm personified as he wants sex.
But once you're alone - who knows?

The comparison with the hotel catching fire is silly. More women end up being attacked by men than dying in a hotel fire or falling down the stairs.

There is objectively far less risk of that happening than if the OP met a guy in a bar and went back to his.

firstly, if a guy wanted to murder a woman, he’d be pretty stupid to link himself with the victim online. Police would only have to look at messages, the phone being used etc.

If the OP meets him in hotel room, she’ll be able to see if he is the guy in the photos ( with the LinkedIn page etc).

obviously doesn’t stop someone from murdering you, but they’d get caught pretty quickly if they did, which makes it a massive deterrent to anyone who would do that to a woman.

Wellingtonspie · 12/10/2024 18:13

Frankensteinslittlefriend · 12/10/2024 18:00

It’s not a date. It is simply a meeting between strangers for sex. It isn’t a date by any stretch of the imagination.

Ok the date of a sexual exchange. It really doesn’t change the fact that maybe those men don’t have condoms because they cannot risk being caught with said condoms.

MaidOfAle · 12/10/2024 18:18

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 12/10/2024 14:03

What a bonkers post. Why on earth should it always be the man's responsibility to bring condoms? Confused

And I also don't get why the sex would be better because the man brings condoms.

Weird. Confused

I also agree with others that men won't be so likely to bring condoms as they're not going to be the one getting pregnant without one! AND sex is better for men with no condom on.

.

Edited

It's more that the kind of man who cares enough to bring condoms is also the kind of man who cares about the woman enjoying the event.

Frankensteinslittlefriend · 12/10/2024 18:22

Wellingtonspie · 12/10/2024 18:13

Ok the date of a sexual exchange. It really doesn’t change the fact that maybe those men don’t have condoms because they cannot risk being caught with said condoms.

I’m pretty sure they can buy a pack on the way and leave them in th4 hotel room. The condom police won’t force them to take the unused ones home.

Karmaisagod · 12/10/2024 18:23

@Dockofthebaobun , I am aghast at the number of people with deeply backward, mysogynist attitudes your post has attracted. Do you think they're all women? I've not read all the comments by any means, but I'm beginning to wonder if some of them are from incels just annoyed at not getting any.

Frankensteinslittlefriend · 12/10/2024 18:23

MaidOfAle · 12/10/2024 18:18

It's more that the kind of man who cares enough to bring condoms is also the kind of man who cares about the woman enjoying the event.

The ops a stranger, I doubt any of the men really care deep down.

Wellingtonspie · 12/10/2024 18:23

Frankensteinslittlefriend · 12/10/2024 18:22

I’m pretty sure they can buy a pack on the way and leave them in th4 hotel room. The condom police won’t force them to take the unused ones home.

Tight men will always be tight. He wouldn’t want to waste the other three.

MrsLBrown · 12/10/2024 18:25

Chakkakhan · 12/10/2024 18:11

There is objectively far less risk of that happening than if the OP met a guy in a bar and went back to his.

firstly, if a guy wanted to murder a woman, he’d be pretty stupid to link himself with the victim online. Police would only have to look at messages, the phone being used etc.

If the OP meets him in hotel room, she’ll be able to see if he is the guy in the photos ( with the LinkedIn page etc).

obviously doesn’t stop someone from murdering you, but they’d get caught pretty quickly if they did, which makes it a massive deterrent to anyone who would do that to a woman.

So why do the 'rules' of online dating give safety tips?
This is no different.

All of that is done with a trail of messages, phone etc.
And not everyone is on Linkedin .

It's not about murder.

It's about being aggressive , unpleasant, and any behaviour that can stop short of being illegal, but nevertheless, disturbing.

I OP or anyone wants to meet unknown men for sex, that's their choice.
But I don't think many people IN RL would say it's sensible.
This is why there is a need for the legalisation of prostitution, to protect women.
There's not much difference between paying for sex and meeting strange men in hotels in terms of risk.

TheOtherSide21 · 12/10/2024 18:30

Jeeeez this thread is about to become a burglary risk with the amount of precious pearls being clutched 😂

OP- I have a few glorious, memorable years of enjoying casual sex under my belt and
have had a mix of ONS and FWB.

I always broached it in the comms! Left nothing to chance and it set out a level of assertion from the off. A casual ‘so- I’m assuming you’re happy to wear a condom?’ And see what they said. I always said I would be providing (for the same reason as you) and only twice did someone challenge me back and say they’d rather provide. In that case I held my ground but said I’d buy a brand new packet specifically and wouldn’t remove the plastic until we were together.

Anyone who answered no, or even replied ‘would rather not haha etc’ I just didn’t meet.

Jc2001 · 12/10/2024 18:34

Genevive24 · 12/10/2024 12:02

Maybe I’m naive but why would they do this? I’m presuming they don’t want STIs or a baby any more than a woman does?

Well, most don't. It's a huge generalisation to say they all would, given the chance.

Bananalanacake · 12/10/2024 18:35

When I was 25 I had a boyfriend who was much older than me, he wouldn't tell me his age but I'm guessing he was 60s. He was having a problem putting on the condom and said 'I don't get on with condoms you should go on the pill' I gave him short shrift after that, I pointed out that even if I was on the pill and he'd had a vasectomy he'd still have to use condoms as I could have shagged someone with HIV 6 months before and he wouldn't know or he could have had sex with someone with syphilis and not know. If he wants sex he uses a condom or he can stick his dick in the toaster,

mixigoc176 · 12/10/2024 18:36

Gosh, the judgement in some of these posts...

OP, you're not married, you're not in a relationship... if you want to have sex, and if you want that sex to be ONSs, then that's up to you. I wouldn't enjoy ONSs but equally, I've never been divorced, and I can understand why going through that would make you want to do this. I might well feel the same in your shoes, who knows?

To answer your question, while it's both your responsibility, let's face it, women are more likely to get stuck with a bad outcome.

An unwanted baby? The man could just disappear. Unless you've seen their passports, run a search on the number and verified they are who they say they are, you don't know if you've got their correct legal name. So, the hardship of raising a child, the cost of raising a child... that's on you. That's part of the joy of being female. We carry the children, so we can't just opt out and run away. We can get abortions (in this country, at least), but that's still time, and cost and emotional labour that they don't have to deal with if so inclined.

STIs? Well, again, let's face it - he's more likely to have them than you.

Most women do not want babies from ONSs and will take precautions involving a condom - possibly a condom and a pill. So, if one of these men convinces you to have to have sex without a condom, it's more likely you'll have had safe sex up until that point and be disease-free. He'll be the irresistible hunk who has made you change everything for him.

Many men want to have sex without a condom. They're more likely to try to persuade their partners to have sex without a condom. Statistically, that means they're more likely to have more unsafe sex than you.

Fundamentally, it might be an equal responsibility but it's not an equal consequence and it's not an equal risk. That's why some of them don't.

The thing is, not all condoms are the same size. It makes more sense that the man buys and brings them. It gives him more control over the baby dilemma and also means he's more likely to pick a good fit and not experience a condom mishap. It's just tightness and arrogance to not bring condoms. What makes him think he'll be so hot that you just have to have him, with or without protection?

I'd consider not sleeping with the ones who don't bring condoms to a hook-up. As you said, the one who was the best brought his own. I think you can tell a lot about how generous or stingy a man is going to be in bed about whether he bothers to buy and bring condoms with him!

Chakkakhan · 12/10/2024 18:38

@MrsLBrown I don’t understand your point. You don’t ignore the ‘safety tips’ because you meet someone online.

my point is it gives greater assurance to the OP that the man she is meeting is the person he says he is. It sounds like OP takes precautions, which make it safer than meeting a random in a bar, and no riskier than an online date.

Online dating and hookups still have risk- you need to make sure the profile is real. The person described is the person in real life.

Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 12/10/2024 18:42

TheOtherSide21 · 12/10/2024 18:30

Jeeeez this thread is about to become a burglary risk with the amount of precious pearls being clutched 😂

OP- I have a few glorious, memorable years of enjoying casual sex under my belt and
have had a mix of ONS and FWB.

I always broached it in the comms! Left nothing to chance and it set out a level of assertion from the off. A casual ‘so- I’m assuming you’re happy to wear a condom?’ And see what they said. I always said I would be providing (for the same reason as you) and only twice did someone challenge me back and say they’d rather provide. In that case I held my ground but said I’d buy a brand new packet specifically and wouldn’t remove the plastic until we were together.

Anyone who answered no, or even replied ‘would rather not haha etc’ I just didn’t meet.

Why do certain posters always trot out the " pearl clutching" sneering comment?

It's so boring.

You are proud of having casual sex. That's your right. Other posters have a different view point on promiscuity. That is their right.

NPET · 12/10/2024 18:44

MaidOfAle · 12/10/2024 18:18

It's more that the kind of man who cares enough to bring condoms is also the kind of man who cares about the woman enjoying the event.

How do you know/why do you think that sex is better for a man without a condom? Don't they just say that to get out of buying them?

Pumpkincozynights · 12/10/2024 18:57

I’m surprised these men are prepared to take the risk that comes with unprotected sex.
They could end up with an unwanted child. Having to pay for that child. Are they not bothered?
I certainly would not entertain a relationship with a man who had done this, not in this day and age.
Maybe it’s the porn influence again, where anything goes.

MaidOfAle · 12/10/2024 18:59

Frankensteinslittlefriend · 12/10/2024 18:23

The ops a stranger, I doubt any of the men really care deep down.

Some men, believe it or not, take pride in ensuring that even a stranger enjoys herself. These men are rare but they exist.

TheOtherSide21 · 12/10/2024 18:59

Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 12/10/2024 18:42

Why do certain posters always trot out the " pearl clutching" sneering comment?

It's so boring.

You are proud of having casual sex. That's your right. Other posters have a different view point on promiscuity. That is their right.

Because quite frankly, there has been blatant judgemental as fuck posts / comments that are unrelated to the question.

And bold assumptions evidently - where have I said I was ‘proud’ of having casual sex. I enjoyed it, I was able to offer something relevant to this thread because of it, but I’m not over here wearing it like a badge of honour.

vendredinamechange · 12/10/2024 19:00

STIs? Well, again, let's face it - he's more likely to have them than you.

Why is 'he' any more likely to have an STI or any other transmissible condition than the opening poster?