DH said my job isnt a real job

[Mrsisolated]

I work in HR so my days are spent mopping up other people’s problems and dealing with very difficult situations.

I earn a decent salary which I feel is about right as the emotional weight I carry is exhausting day in day out. It caused me terrible anxiety for many years but managed to come out the other side. However I have seen many HR professionals leave because it can be exhausting.

DH says all I do is sit at home all day and send emails. I’m absolutely fuming in side.

Wow. First thing I did was read your updates to find out what this “man” does for a living. Supervisor at Tesco????!!!! I’ll say it again - WOW. He’s definitely jealous of you and I think you’re being far too kind worrying about where he’ll go if you chuck him out. Surely with a stellar career like his he can afford to get a place of his own and even find a partner more worthy of him. Perhaps his eyes will meet somebody over the fish counter at work and he won’t have to slum it with you any more. Seriously though, I’m sorry you’re going through this, you deserve so much better and I hope you can find the strength to get rid of him.

You haven't explained the housing situation.
If you are renting, you could take on a new lease just for yourself and ds.

If you own then, obviously more complicated, but you need ti extricate yourself from this relationship, it cannot improve.
Do not listen to any apologies, regrets or promises, he has to be history.

I’d be angry too. I used to be a legal secretary but did so much more than that. I did all the work short of going to court on a file and would send the solicitor where they needed to go and give them a memo outlining exactly what was going on and the clients instructions. I was an unofficial solicitor which my boss appreciated and when sending the senior partner to court on a file that wasn’t his he wanted to know why I wasn’t going to deal with it. People who don’t understand what you do will never get it and say you don’t do much when in reality their head would explode if they even attempted to do you job. Don’t let him get you down. You know what you do and how much it takes out of you and if he doesn’t get it that’s on him

In his mind he used to do 'real' work as a scaffolder and now he doesn't. So deep down he thinks his own job isn't a real job.And he doesn't like that, so he's having ago at you & your job. Idiot.

I was you last year. Getting a divorce now. He's been forced to get a full time job and live with his mum. Free childcare wasn't a reason to stay together.

At first I thought you were overreacting to what, in my books, is banter - my husband playfully reminds me that I’ve been sitting all day (accountant who works from home most of the time) while he’s been reconstructing double decker buses (panel beater), particularly when he’s after a cup of tea in the evenings. But then I read all your posts and see that there’s a whole background that goes beyond the, otherwise banter-ish comment.

I hope you find a way out of this troubled period in your life. Maybe try marriage counselling before ending things? I say that only because of the kids and the fact that it seems like there is a failure in communication and, on his part, lack of appreciation, regarding the split of responsibilities.

It’s such a typical MN thing to tell women to end a marriage based on a single post about a marriage hitting problems. Sometimes this is good advice and sometimes it’s not helpful at all. I recommend you seek counselling yourself too, before getting into couples counselling, to help sort your own priorities and goals out before diving into these discussions about the family and marriage priorities and goals. Good luck to you. ❤️

That sounds like he knows it’s him :P

But equally, if he worked in marketing etc then his would be the big important job as he was the one doing high powered stuff/making the most money.
I think men probably do more of the compete and compare of their own jobs against others, and will try to find explanations for why what they do is higher status than what Blake 2 does. But it's a shitty attitude to take into a marriage.

Hmmmmm I used to get this attitude from family members about teaching small children - “you just get to play with play dough all day” etc. Infuriating.
I’d hazard a guess that your job is not bringing you joy anymore - maybe start looking to see how your transferable skills fit a different career path.
After you’ve put the shovel away and swept the patio. Obviously.

Is you salary paid with Monopoly money? If not tell him to get to fuck!

Hmmmmm I used to get this attitude from family members about teaching small children

My dad and step mum assume that because I work in education I must get all the school holidays off so have never ever offered to help with childcare ( I don't expect it but they do it for her children)

I'm a senior academic at a university and while I do get generous annual leave, the school holidays are still a challenge. They also think my international work trips are me selfishly going on holiday solo 🙄

My ex husband told me during the pandemic (while he was still refusing to leave the house- we had to sell it so he would leave) that my job wasn’t important and his was. He works for a veterinary business and I worked at the time for a citywide charity and was coordinating help to local residents - food, funding, information etc. Can you see why he is my ex, maybe think about that OP.

The more senior I've become in my own role, the more I've come to appreciate how varied and difficult the work undertaken by HR can be. Maybe explain to your husband that any mistakes you make while "writing emails" can have grave consequences for your company and/or individual employees, in the form of costly litigation, sacking etc. Keep working hard and getting promoted - you earn the money, and a lot of power comes with that.

Pack work in and let him keep you with his 'little' job.

Ignore him but imagine sticking pins in his eyes whenever he speaks like a dick

I trained and worked as a professional dancer. I gave up dancing when I married. My husband once commented that “anyone could have done what you did.” I reminded him that although he did a few weeks training with a professional football team, he never trained and worked full time as a professional footballer (as I did as a dancer in an established company) so was hardly qualified to comment on my previous career choice.
His remark still makes me angry because he obviously has absolutely no idea of what makes me tick!!!

No… she shouldn’t try to justify her existence.

Her so called crappy job is paying for his lifestyle, so he’s happy enough to have the financial benefit whilst still feeling entitled to belittle her. He obviously has to learn the hard way not to bite the hand that feeds him.

She should keep working hard and getting this loser out of her life.

Exactly. I also dislike the justifying how important her job is - it’s a red herring and irrelevant the issue is he devalues and puts your work down. That’s awful.

My lovely friend has a good/ interesting and well paid job but her own mother puts her down. I was with them once and DF mentioned something about work and her mum said something about her making the tea 🙄. Was so impressed my friend immediately firmly and politely told her to stop
making digs about her job especially in front of their dds. Yes it was awkward but totally right way to deal with it.

It’s only banter if it is actually meant playfully though which clearly was never the case. I wouldn’t be interested in marriage with someone who can’t respect me, it’s basic.

Yeah, I see that now after reading OPs other posts, as I said in my post.

Tell him jealousy and insecurity looks good on nobody, but you aren't stopping him from applying for your job.

Sorry! For obvious reasons I'm not going to say....

I'm sorry to say but was the other way round with me. In the early days, when DH got a new job wfh I did feel envious and resentful. Totally unfair I know and I'm ashamed of my feelings.

So before, DH had a different job, drove to work, was away sometimes and my job is similar so I guess I felt we were on an equal level and coming home from work was appreciated by us both.

His new job wfh, we both thought it was wonderful he could be at home with our dog, do a bit of housework, more money etc. However I started to feel a bit begrudged and yes jealous! I was up early, made my lunch, then had to go out all in all weathers to a stressful job, while he was still in bed cuddling our dog. I would come home and he would say yet another slow day, a boring online meeting, but didn't have much to while waiting for new system/order/directions. Meanwhile my days were non stop, pressure, barely time for a wee. He's in no way lazy and would go to the gym during the day, another luxury I didn't have.

Thus to explain why he feels like this, it isn't fair at all, just wanted to let you know how I did at first. I was out of order, as I said, I feel ashamed of feeling like I did. I was jealous, I wanted to be the one to be at home, but that's not my line of work. Xxx

@Deeperthantheocean . I'm sure that's a nationwide marital disagreement. WFH can cause resentment

You work full time, he works part time… but YOU do the cooking and cleaning?? There’s part of the problem… if he pulled his weight at home perhaps you’d have time to be the fun parent too !!
tell him he needs to get more hours at work or fuck off! And until he works full time the house work is his responsibility!