My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

Oh my God. So awful and I think you're all doing a great job rallying around.
Get the kids into some form of counselling ASAP, right now they've lost their dad and their mum, understandably but they haven't really got her either. They'll need to get some support even if they're young.
Get practical for your sis as she can't be, so get all money moved out of joint accounts etc ASAP. He'll soon run out of the 2k and will need more. Just get everything shifted so he can't get at it. Then get the paperwork started for a financial settlement and divorce. I know it's not what she probably can process right now but she will need to be ready when he does finally contact and she needs to make the most of any guilt he'll feel to secure the best possible outcome.
Horrendous though

There’s nothing ‘luxurious’ about one’s response to a major bereavement and that’s what this is. Your poor sister. She needs a psychologist to support her in this I think, if she can afford to do that. There’s a lot to process in different stages and a skilled professional is best placed to do that without making the trauma worse.

Like others I’ve been back at work days after a major bereavement. So? There’s no medal
for that. Nobody is losing because they can’t do that; I wasn’t winning because I could. I can’t imagine having so little empathy or thinking that my own experience and response must be universal.

I was given a fortnight's supply of Diazepam - 2.5mg, to be take once a day if required - when my husband died.

Doc later tried me with sertraline. Felt worse on it. Doc gave me another diazepam script. I don't take it every day - just when things are overwhelming. It's the lowest dose and I only get a script for 14 at a time.

I’d empty the bank account - he’ll soon get in touch then.

it’s only time before he does it.

Bit harsh.
There are always 2 sides.
People split up
By taking some responsibility gives you the strength to move forward and build a better life for yourself.
And I'm coming from a place of going through similar.
I know someone who got up every for work , kept going , was there for the children and cried when no one was looking.
It's horrible and worse than death but at some point you are just wallowing.
Agree about the pets ..,.can't one go hime at least ?

@PennyCrayon1

Ok but lots of people don’t have the luxury of “falling apart” to be honest. I’m heart sorry for this woman but she’s very lucky to have her family around her. I feel more sorry for her children who have effectively lost both parents and won’t understand why.
*

Agree ..,those poor kids

Some people are just more fragile when life changing circumstances happen, she may never fully recover from what her husband has put her through.

I know people who have chosen to never trust in relationships again after something like this. It can be really damaging to another human when they put all their love and trust into a partner and are treated so callously.

I don’t think a ‘just pull your socks up and get over it’ attitude works for everyone.

Some people actually break.

You obviously know nothing about SS because they wouldn’t dream of interfering if the children have other responsible family members to take the reigns for the time being.

Is this the same dad that irresponsibly and callously ghosted his children with no warning and no contact details. He’s also in another country.

What part of that made you think he’d want to have his children come and live with him.

More to the point why would you think he’s a responsible parent who would do the right thing after reading his treatment of his family.

That’s a lot of whataboutary and projection.

The bit about people being in the middle of wars etc, well everything’s relative isn’t it. Op sister may never have had one bad thing happen to her in her life then boom 💥

Is it really just as primitive as her feelings though? Her whole body and nervous system has shut down, that is called a nervous/mental breakdown. That’s is mental illness territory not merely some hurty feelings.

Choochoo21

Why do you keep referring to "the child" when it's three small children?

Nope it’s more of a society making excuses for them kind of thing.

They absorb messages like ‘boys will be boys / oh it’s just men you know what they’re like’ etc and see it as a free pass for bad behaviour.

If society put more pressure on men to be responsible partners/fathers then maybe they would feel the same shame that women do at the mere thought of being mum/wife shamed.

Instead society prefers to shame women for every negative thing a man does and that’s patriarchy/misogyny at play. Sadly some women eat a bowl of misogyny for breakfast too, and can’t see they’ve been brainwashed by society/family.

You see it on here all the time from boy mums, trad wives, stoic types that model themselves on the men they grew up with and everything in between, I’d say it doesn’t always end well for those types of women they usually get a rude awakening somewhere down the line.

But yes not so much biological but societal me thinks.

She is utterly broken and needs compassion and support to move forward.
Things you can do to help
Help her make a list of people to contact.
Help her draft emails to start the conversations
If she can currently do one thing a day, how do you help her make the most of that one thing?
What support does she need to manage 2 things twice a week?
Support with showering and getting into clean clothes.
Encourage more time out of bed.
Speak to the Dr again
The only person that can get your sister out of this situation is your sister. She needs to find her fight, her grit and determination. In the meantime absolutely hold her hand, keep things ticking over as best you can do that when she does start to come out of this she doesn't return to a bigger shit show.

In depressive episodes that have rendered me non functioning I have had help from support workers and occupational health. It has all been about finding ways to do more next week than you did this week. Finding the balance so that what you do doesn't put you in bed as a consequence. It's a marathon and it takes time. The priority for me now would be sorting out her finances there's nothing worse for mental health than money worries.

That information was disclosed after my comment.

I don’t agree that it’s misogyny to expect women to put first the children they chose to have, in this situation.

I think your whole post is misogynistic to be fair. It offers no support to OP and just piles more pressure onto an already fragile woman who is dealing with something akin to bereavement. Maybe some women don’t have the ‘luxury’ of falling apart, but that doesn’t mean it’s right.

@Lighttodark
If the sister didn't have family, what would have happened to those 3 children? grieving and lying in bed for 6 wks is not a luxury many can afford. She really needs to get help and start stepping up for her kids and herself.
The fact one child is screaming for her dad is worrying, they must be witnessing a lot of scary behaviour from mum.

More misogyny. The fact that one of the children is crying for her dad is probably because she misses him and realises something is amiss. But hey, let’s blame mum’s scary behaviour instead.

Well maybe the welfare of the children is more important than whether it’s “misogyny” to consider that their mother needs to start looking after them.

Exactly, what does mil have to say, she seems a point of contact, does she not say anything regarding her grand children

sad to come back to this thread and see more of these cruel responses - disgusting. Shocked that people lack basic empathy.

So unbelievably ignorant.

Also even though women can go through intense life or death situations to survive with their kids in other parts of the words and cope, once they get free from the life or death situations and seek asylum elsewhere then that's when the trauma can hit them and make it a lot more difficult to cope.

You really don't have a clue at all.

Said it before and I'll say it again.
People don't take womens mental health seriously at all.
She's clearly having a breakdown and yet people are saying she needs to snap out of it and make her kids dinner.

Unbelievable ignorance and misogyny as people have said before.

If a man had a breakdown of this level then everyone would say it wasn't safe for him to look after the children alone, and mens suicide this, mens suicide that.

This is such a dire situation - and as usual most people are being supportive with solutions to try and help. But a few aren't. Please don't let's start arguing amongst ourselves about this - let's keep the thread positive for the sake of the Opening Poster and her sister.

Thankfully she has a very loving and supportive family around her - it's not the time for 'tough love' and they're all trying to protect her and help her and her children through this hideous trauma.

Your sister needs to get a grip and be a mother to her children