My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

I wonder if CBT might help?

This is awful for her, but I suggest best not to catastrophise

Would be unsettling for children to change school, but school may have bursaries to help until end of term / year

If she has savings, this gives some breathing space. If not, she may qualify for benefits

Lifestyle will change, but she'll be OK in the end

Your poor Ds. She won't feel like doing anything like cinema...but certainly she is appreciating your love and help and support. Keep on trucking on as much as possible. Only knowing and dealing with the truth can eventually help. It may get worse before it gets better. Stay strong. Get legal advise? Protect the money asap... move it to personal account?

Every time I come on mumsnet I’m reminded of why women are opting out of marriage.

She is in shock right now, it will take a while but she’ll come back. She’ll come back stronger too, because there’s no way a husband who would do this has been a decent person to live with for quite some time.

kkloo
Calm down. It's people like you that extend trauma, just take a balanced view & try to be nice.

What is it that you're missing?

Yes the kids deserve a functioning parent, but it's not about what they 'deserve' in this case, it's about what they have, and they currently have a mother who is severely ill and cannot see to their welfare. That is not her fault. That is their father's fault.

Again besides misogyny this is about the minimising of Mental Health verses physical illness and injury.

So if this mother had a serious illness which required a lengthy hospital stay or just a complete physical inability to do much, you wouldn't be blaming her. And if she had no support in that situation and the children had to temporarily go into care you wouldn't be blaming her for that either. But a mental breakdown or crisis you believe can just be snapped out of.

Also as someone who was a Single Parent at various points in my life, I am sick of hearing about how 'strong' and 'independent' women who are often abandoned, blamed, and left to fend for themselves are. It's 'toxic independence' on the part of society, that's my name for it. It both expects women to be all and everything, to have no personal limitations, then on the other hand blames her when she can't cope with it all.

When I read those grim stories that occasionally appear of some woman (often a single mum) who leaves her kid(s) neglected alone in a flat, while they go partying or go on holiday abroad or something, I always wonder why??? I think part of the reason in some cases is because they were not coping with motherhood, but they were too ashamed to say it, or too proud to admit it because society is so extra judgemental of women who can't manage with their children or who don't want to be the main carer of their children. And so they put on a pretence and an illusion of coping. Society doesn't care however, when it locks those same mothers away who are obviously mentally ill, but castigates them at the same time for revealing when they aren't coping. Even if the father was nowhere to be seen.

It's a cruel misogynistic society. Women always suffer for the actions of men, leaving the men winning ultimately.

To the people saying she needs to get herself together, maybe this was the wake up call she needed to break out of illusion. Maybe this is her calling to learn that strength? Maybe she has been codependent

Kicking a woman whilst she’s down is nasty work

It honestly sounds like a breakdown, complete disassociation from what’s happened. To this lady, it is a death of her whole life. Give her a break.

You calm down and try to be nice.

Your posts are incredibly ignorant and embarrassing for 2024.
It is attitudes like yours that extend trauma.
Educate yourself.

If she didn’t have family she would have done what women like my mother do, got on with it to the detriment of her mental health and the emotional well-being of her children until dis-ease shows up in her body. She would have coped as women do.

Thankfully she does have family.

Your whole post is directed at blaming this on the victim, and it’s 🤮

@Rosscameasdoody
Not misogyny, Id say the same if it was a man taking to his bed for 6 weeks crying and absolving himself of being a parent.
She has 3 young children who need a parent, if OP wasn't around what do you think would have happened to the kids by now?

@Bangwam1
I've not blamed at all, I've said those children need their mum, 6 weeks of lying in bed helps nobody. OP is right in trying to encourage her to do things.

Absolutely.

She also works in his business. She will be no doubt codependent on him or completely enmeshed at best.
They have kids, work and live together her world is probably quite small when you think about it.

She has a great family of support but doesn’t have as much of her own life that a job outside of his would have given her. So she has lost not just the relationship, insecurity with work and also what she thought was her best friend and also a second parent to their children. With the grief and unknowing by how he abandoned them all.

She can’t just wash her hair go to work and feel she can get away from it all. The home is a constant reminder and her world will feel like it’s falling down on top of her.

She needs to take small steps and have all the support she can get. Take away the only support she has now and I’d honestly worry for her. With the support the family are providing she has a good chance to move forward but it won’t be in a matter of weeks it will take months and quite frankly years if you listen to people who have been through similar. She has to work through acceptance, grief then rebuild most aspects of her life on top.

It’s easy to judge from the outside.

Please. Just stop. OP's sister DOES fortunately have a loving extended family.

I say this as someone who was formerly widowed and had supportive family around me.

Please give this woman some grace.

Because the answer is likely to be - she'd be going through the motions like a robot and then probably having a breakdown further down the line. Humans are not designed to live alone, nor to parent alone. Some people have to, and it's often fucking tough.

If she had broken legs would you say the same?

People can’t just snap out of depression and trauma as easily as you may think.

She has been completely emotionally destabilised.

Exactly, she is in shock and the depressive stage is kicking in. There will be anger, bargaining with herself that he may come home, all sorts of emotions.

OP keep doing what you are doing, keep encouraging her to go outside for a walk, lots of light and good food. She’s lucky to have you.

She probably would have got on with it and her mental health would have taken a massive hit as a result, probably meaning that she developed stress related disease at some point. But pay that no mind, just carry on victim blaming.

Yep couldn't be more true. I got extremely physically unwell due to prolonged periods of intense stress and trauma. I was so used to shutting down my emotions that it all came out as physical illness.

Even when I went for trauma therapy (EMDR) I wasn't really a suitable candidate because I'm so used to shutting down trauma as it arises that I wasn't able to sit with the memory in order to work through it. I'd just dust myself off and laugh and say I'm fine now. The therapist was like 'no' 😂

Women are far more likely to develop autoimmune disorders as a result of stress than men are!

I have always said that when I see women going missing and no foul play was suspected that I bet she's been crying out for help and support for a long time but no one gave a flying fuck and just expected her to get on with things.
@NameChangeUser183794639 mentioned that some women don't tell anyone they're struggling because of fear of judgement etc and that's true for some, but there are others who try to be proactive when they're struggling and ask for a bit of support and they get zero! or people decide oh well you should be better now so get over it!

It’s clear you have absolutely no idea about depression and trauma then. Their mum cannot be present right now. She needs to come back to earth first. Her identity has been shattered.

The children are lucky to have family that care around, they are learning strength themselves right now. They will heal as their mother will.

I’ll agree with you on one point, OP is right to encourage

@kkloo

Spot on. Women cope and it comes with illness. My mothers immune system went rabid on her.

I hope you’re in a better place now 💖

People are not seeing the context behind this ladies collapse. This man has not been good for years, she’s likely recovering from an abusive situation simultaneously. Now the healing for both herself and her children starts.

I stand by what I said.

She needs to find that fight.

Let's say he rocks up tomorrow. She's lying in bed. Has been for six weeks. Turns up with new partner. House a mess. Kids screaming daddy. Think of the end line. The worst a person can be.
Does he use that against her. She's not a fit parent. His initial message even says I can't do this anymore. What if he twists all that. Makes her the bad one. Needed to escape. Fuck that.

Yes this is absolutely awful but he has not died and he has proved himself to be the lowest of the low so she NEEDS to take control before he does.

I've come back to this as there are so many comments from people who frankly don't understand trauma and have clearly never experienced it. In my case, which I posted about earlier in the thread, I explained how utterly horrific the trauma was for me in a similar situation. However as a lone parent to a disabled child I had no choice but to get on. There has to come a point where you need to get up and "do". It's not easy and I'm sure OP is doing her best to encourage her sister. I do agree that she has to get out of the fog for her children if nothing else. However, it is not easy by any means and people should not make judgement unless you've walked that mile.

I became very ill with autoimmune diseases after my son died suddenly. It was a horrific time. Trying to cope in order to support my other children probably made things a lot worse, but sometimes there is no choice.
OP, all you can do is keep helping as much as you can. Enlist as much support from elsewhere as you possibly can. Try and deal with the most urgent stuff first and get professional and legal help.
I am so sorry this has happened.

This must be the most horrendous thing any parent can endure.

It's not a competition, but the sudden {or even 'expected'} loss of a Child of any age is way beyond a faithless husband leaving.

My lovely neighbours lost their son unexpectedly, about 30 years ago and they never got over his loss.

Plenty of women get over faithless husbands leaving them in the lurch.

That is true...But he's unlikely to want to have three children with him now he has a new woman. They will cramp his style.

He's very unlikely to want complete custody.

The kids are the ones I feel so sorry for.
They will be so impacted by this.

Even though their 'Dad' is hopeless, he's all they know, and of course they are going to miss him terribly.

Those saying it's not that bad, he didn't die...he did worse. He was a husband and a father actively abandoning all their plans, hopes and dreams. Everything in their lives has been thrown in the air and it will be months, if not years for some of it to land.

Trust will never be the same. His children, even if he sees them in the future, will know they can be abandoned by him.

OP, it's good you care, how is your sister?