My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

perhaps someone can talk to BIL's mum about whether BIL's parents can step in to help pay the school fees?

Yep. Agree. And if OP’s sister’s GP is a good one, the circumstances, and the continuing appropriateness of the prescription will be regularly reviewed.

The post is about the O.P's sister and the terrible state SHE is in! Don't think we need to be worrying about the husband.

So what’s the MIL saying to things?? My MIL would be in Sweden dragging my husbands arse back home to see his children. If she’s doing anything less than that, then she’s as bad as he is.

(His whole family are - not just her - but I note that she is the only one mentioned)

Fuck my life, some of the comments on here.

It’s ok to not cope when you have a life changing situation thrown at you.

The most earth shattering event has just happened to this woman. She needs to be able to fall apart and know that there are people there to help her build herself back up.

It’s perfectly normal to fall apart. When I found out about my ex’s affair there were days that if the DC were fed I counted it as a win as that was all I could manage. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and lost a huge amount of weight.

Fuck being strong. It’s the same as people saying ‘you’ve got this’, without actually being of any use at all.

You are right to support your sister. I think people can’t comprehend how shattering this is. Not only has she very suddenly lost her husband, And the kids’ their father, in a traumatic way. But she has lost her ability to support herself and the kids. It sounds like they had a very affluent life and she is now looking at living in poverty. Realistically, she is likely to lose her friendship circle and community too, as well as her home. This is a devastating amount of multiple loss to suddenly face.

You need to make sure she gets the best financial settlement from a divorce possible. Some women when they get depressed don’t fight for themselves and get shafted. He has doubtless already planned how to shaft her financially. She’ll need you to support her in navigating the divorce negotiations.

Could you play nice positive mediations in her room for her. You can even get subliminal ones that have positive affirmations under the music. Nice aromatherapy smells and fresh air. Fresh new bedding. Just thinking how to make her bedroom nicer if that’s where she is most the time.

Astonishing that someone can read the OP and their first thought is for how the poor man is feeling.

When I was 18 my Dad did exactly this except he buggered off to France and Italy with another woman. He was away six weeks. Told people he was dying of cancer. Told me he was going to kill himself.
Then he re-appeared and my mother let him come back. Not a word said, no apologies, we were expected to act as if nothing had happened.
He wasn’t depressed or ill. Just supremely selfish.

Ok but lots of people don’t have the luxury of “falling apart” to be honest. I’m heart sorry for this woman but she’s very lucky to have her family around her. I feel more sorry for her children who have effectively lost both parents and won’t understand why.

Living in poverty is a bit dramatic.

At worst she might be council housed, not begging on the street.

Some people act like being housed with the social is the worst thing that can ever happen

It doesn’t sound like this is just heartbreak. It doesn’t sound like it’s just a failed marriage but all else stays the same. It sounds like she was financially dependent on her H. If she works in his business then that job is not likely to be sustainable. Unless she has a professional skill set to fall back on, she could be looking losing her current life, friends, neighbourhood, community, financial security. As well as her marriage. All of it. She is potentially facing losing her current life and expected future life.

I can't stand pathetic men like this. Something is fundamentally wrong with them on a biological level in order to be capable of abandoning children in this way.

I will pray on his downfall! 🙏

So sorry OP, you and your family sound a great support.

I’m really surprised she was given sertraline just a couple of days after such a traumatic event - it is for clinical depression and I imagine she was in shock and traumatised at that point, utterly natural responses. The side effects of sertraline were horrendous for me - I know it works for some people - and turned me into a complete zombie so it may be it’s not helping. I couldn’t get out of bed on it, and actually with your amazing family support it may be more helpful for her to be unmedicated and gradually starting to do more with the kids etc. It should be being monitored very closely by the GP. If you can afford it I would pay to see someone privately once a week for the next month or two.

There is a recent thread on here about a man who upped sticks to New Zealand leaving behind two devastated children and a wife who is beside herself.
He had gone to live with a woman he had met online, even had organised a job there. He had planned it for months without telling her.
I should imagine your lovely sister is in shock. It is the type of reaction you see when someone goes missing without a trace. It is absolute shock and grief.
The fact that he has made no provision for his family, and deserted his children is beyond the pale.
Your sister needs some intensive professional help. There is a treatment for trauma called EMDR - many posters on here recommend it and I do too. There are credited therapists here in the UK and many work online so your sister could start with a session at home. It’s not cheap but the longer your sister is in this state the longer she will remain ill for.

There is not a lot of council housing left. The idea that a woman with kids could just walk into council housing died some decades ago. Why do you think private rented housing is so expensive? It’s because people are no long able to access social housing as it got sold off under the right to buy, massively driving up demand in the private sector. Private sector is expensive and landlords can pick from the most financially secure prospective tenants. It’s not easy to get into.

I grew up in a council house btw. And although I have a current full time job, me and my kids live below the poverty line. Life is really expensive now. So no, saying she may be facing living in poverty is far from dramatic. OP says she is living on savings now, so she clearly doesn’t have the income to cover her outgoings.

Whilst some of you are helping your sister emotionally, others need to be on the war path with him.

Get as much evidence as possible on finances, the house, the business etc. Keep all the emails that he has not responded to. Keep a diary of his movements, and when he last spoke to and saw the DC.

You say he’s been back and forth 6 months, so this affair, and it is an affair, is new. It might not last. The OW may not yet know he’s got more baggage than Stansted and he’s a complete cad. So, at some point he may come back with his tail between his legs. If on the slim chance it works out with OW he’ll want as much of the assets as possible. He’s already shown his true colours. He’s a coward. He’s the worst kind of man, one who abandons his DC with an email. Also, he’s finished his marriage with an email but he has to talk to her at some point. When he does, he’ll be reading from The Script. Make sure you read it from this forum, and are ready for his bullshit.

Your SIL is a shell at the moment, but she won’t always be. Her part of the assets need protecting NOW.

Apply for UC, child benefit, get onto CMS, talk to a solicitor, get it logged that he left on x day, contact council tax and get him off the house, make sure her name is on the deeds of the house, call the bank and block his withdrawals. Does he own his own company? Get all details, it’s half your sisters. You want as much money out of him as possible for the DC’s welfare.

The weasel will come out of his hole at some point and you need to make sure that whilst he is holed up in some hotel ordering room service and pretending the outside world doesn’t exist, that your sister is using this time to get 5 steps ahead of him.

I'm very surprised that her GP started an antidepressant so soon, and would strongly advise not medicalising 'normal' emotions and reactions to such a traumatic situation There is every chance that the Sertraline could be making her feel worse, including increased agitation and suicidal thoughts. I would be looking at speaking to the GP and weaning off it.

Cross-posted!

I’m so sorry to hear this. My husband left just under 4 months ago to live and travel round Europe and, whilst we spent a week or so discussing it before left, I was still left in shock that he actually did it. I now have no idea where he is. In my situation it’s actually been for the best as we weren’t happy but those first couple of months were awful. I ended up hearing about Wife Abandonment Syndrome and reading this useful book, which might be of some help: https://amzn.eu/d/eRrRpta

It will just be time and coming to terms with the grief and shock. Amazing for her to have a sister like you and others to support her.

If my son did this, and I found out it was just that he’d had his head turned by some other woman, and not depression or anything, I’d give him 5 days to get his arse back and sort the mess. If he didn’t I’d be then turning my attention from him, to my DGC and make sure their welfare was prioritised. This means no changing schools, and his inheritance being spent making sure they are alright.

I’ve already told my sons that if I see them treating their wives and DC badly, I’ll take it as a personal insult as a woman, as misogyny, and they’ll be in serious trouble with me.

It’s taken my best friend 3 years to “get over” her dh leaving her for a younger woman. She was in deep grief like your sister for a year, went from size 16 to an 8, cried all the time, had to take sick leave. He’s a complete narc and did a total head-fuck on her and the kids - took no responsibility, left her in the lurch financially, flaunted new woman in front of them and on SM etc. She’s had to have family help with mortgage in order to keep her house and had to retrain at work to get a higher paid job.

After about a year she started getting better, still not herself, but better - going out, laughing again, eating a bit better.

But yes I’d say it’s taken 3 years to get properly to the point where she’s back to her old self, happy and wouldn’t spit on her ex if he were on fire (before he was flip flopping between the two of them and she kept on taking him back).

You’re expecting too much of your dsis - this will take her a long time to process before she can even begin to heal. It’s worse than grief - he hasn’t died, he’s left her for someone else (and there will be an ow) he doesn’t love her anymore and has abandoned her and their children.

These men are scum. She has to move on after the one person she thought she could rely on has dumped her in the middle of the ocean with no life belt.

Of course she’s not ok. Just keep on helping as much as you can, it will get worse before it gets better.

You need to give notice to the schools as it's usually a terms notice. Get a claim running with the CSA they can catch him if he comes back to the UK. Get her signed on with UC if she's under the income threshold and get her signed off by GP. Legal advice on how she is going to sell a house she can't afford with the other party missing. If she doesn't start eating her hair will fall out, I know this from experience. It helped me in a similar type of situation to read up on narcissists and their complete lack of empathy. As it sounds like he's discarded his family sadly.

Do her job for her, find every bit of paperwork she will need if you can. Your family sound amazing. Where is family, have they heard from him ?