My sister’s husband has made her ill

[Setroinh]

My lovely sister has been extremely destroyed by her pathetic husband. He’s completely vanished. Six weeks ago he sent her an email telling her he “couldn’t do it anymore”. BIL was working in Stockholm, we obviously speculate he has met someone. Completely left sister in the lurch - school fees, bills etc. Sister helped with the business admin but BIL did the actual work (she is not trained to do). She has cried, stopped eating, had panics attacks, contemplated suicide. It’s been horrendous.

My immediate family are supportig sister - our non-mum sister moved in to help with the three young kids, my mum’s cooked meals, my dad has done the food shop etc. My brother and SIL have taken the dogs and hamster.

She is on sertraline. She’s still a shell. She can do basically one activity a day ie the school run but then spends hours and hours in bed sleeping. She looks 20 years older.

I’ve suggested the cinema, spa day, dog walks. You name it. I just am at a loss. How can I help her? Brother is helping sister with business side of things. Is it an only time will heal thing? She’s so bad I can’t see her getting over this.

Any advice would be great. I’ve lost weight from seeing her like this. As I type my stomach is in knots. I’m just scared for her (don’t tell her this obviously). As she won’t be able to live off savings forever.

For people saying get her on universal credit, if her savings are over the allowed limit she won’t get anything. She would be best getting some proper advice on benefits. There is a self calculation tool called ‘what am I entitled to’ which may help as a first step.

Respectfully, I disagree. Six weeks is nothing when you’ve had the rug completely pulled out from under your feet. Everyone handles things differently and personally I don’t think she is wallowing. She’s struggling — and understandably so.

Psychotherapist would probably be more helpful for her in processing this. As she’s traumatized, not suffering from a mental illness.

She will be okay because she has a wonderful family and you are clearly well resourced and connected enough to know lawyers etc and you all want to help.

Remember this is her rock bottom. Time is a healer. She does need to go back to the GP. Sertaline takes a while to work. She may need a higher dose or to try something else.

The worst part of these situations is that the grief stricken person needs to make financially sensible, life changing decisions while in their darkest moments. She'll get there but you can't fix her right now. Try to get her back to the GP and try to help her navigate the legal and financial side. Other than that I would prioritise shielding her children from this fall out and trying to keep their lives as normal as possible.

OP, you and your family are doing a great job but your sister is going to have to get a hold of things or, if she can’t, someone in the family needs to do it for her. That means she has to accept help. She can’t keep being frozen and unable to operate. Her kids need her. It’s a huge shock and she will be grieving, but she needs to start functioning for herself as well as the kids. You all can’t keep doing everything for her indefinitely.

As for your BIL, he is a Grade A shit. He isn’t actually worth your hate. He hasn’t spoken to his kids for 6 weeks? F*ck him. Personally, I’d find out where he is (credit cards, SM posts, phone bills, his mum…there will be a trail somewhere) and give him a piece of my mind then make him tell me what his intentions are regarding the shitshow he left behind. He’s going to have to speak to someone at some point as the house will need to be sold etc.

Practical things. Is your DSis involved in the company? Does she have access to accounts etc? Check Companies House to find out if she’s a Director etc or if she’s been removed. You need to get as much info as possible about the company as that’s his source of income and he’s shown his true colours which mean he will hide assets and deny his kids/your DSis as much money as possible. Assume the worst of him. He won’t think twice about depriving them.

How many bank accounts do they have? Joint accounts, business accounts, savings, accounts just in his name. Any loans (especially any taken out against the house)? What’s his pension like? What does she have access to (I can’t speak to utility providers as they’re in my husbands name. Infuriating, but she may have to deal with this)? If they have a joint account with cash in it, take half out and put it into an account in her name. Shouldn’t technically do it, but she needs it and as long it’s traceable it can be accounted for in the divorce.

Speak to the school and explain what’s happened. I can’t imagine they’d do anything immediately as anyone hearing what has happened would be appalled. If they have to change school, then that’s not great but minimise it to her by saying thousands of children change school every day so it’s completely normal and not always detrimental. Things have changed and their old live doesn’t exist any more. Getting that back isn’t an option so they need to look forward and make a start.

Can you speak to his mum? If she’s on his side and shielding him I’d also tear a strip off her. She needs to be communicating with the mother of her grandchildren and not protecting her pathetic son.

Well done for being a such a good sister. All the best 💐

Disregard this, I just looked it up and he can live there while his application is processed apparently.

I was going to suggest that book. It is truly eye opening and helped me tremendously when I went through the intense shock and hurt of my ex suddenly up and leaving with zero lead up or heads up. Your sister's situation is actually not that uncommon. It is selfishness (on the part of these men) of the highest order.

A PP said "some women don't have the luxury of falling apart" That's at best, a naive statement.

All women have the luxury of falling apart. You can either cope or you can't (no shame at all if you can't) You'll either have support or you won't. I have seen in my own anecdotal experience, two single mothers with no support fall apart following similar spousal abandonment. In one the kids went into emergency fostering while the mother was sectioned after attempting suicide. In the other the kids were placed by SS with the ex's grandmother and stayed there. The kids will either suffer or family and friends will support.

And lets not forget all the women who immediately jump into another relationship with a really inappropriate man as a coping mechanism.

I think that this happens and women are expected to pick up the pieces and carry on with the children is an example of the hidden misogyny in our culture. Women are always expected to cope. Always expected to see to the children. Expected to be uncomplaining super-resilient martyrs. Mental health and wellbeing be damned.

@Setroinh well they need to enter state schools Asap. Private education is a luxury and she can no longer afford it. How is it paid up? Has the year been pre paid? She needs to get a grip and put them in to state as soon as the paid year/term is up.

I think once they are in state schools the anxiety will ease up. How pampered and sheltered was she before he left that she is worried this much about state schools?

Depending on how old the kids are, they are going to twig that dad isn't on a business trip soonish. What will they be told?

Give notice to kids school- don't have to implement, but may need the option

Get names down for state schools. Fill in paperwork etc. again- may not need but may need the option.

How's the business fairing? Maybe one of the stresses is that it is failing and he is leaving because of that too?

Are the kids missing the pets?

The shock will take months to ease. Don't invite her outI found it so hard to leave the house and potentially bump into people I knew for the best part of a year. She will take a long time to stop reeling from this, ‘Runaway Husbands’, the book, the website and the private Facebook page was a huge help for me. www.runawayhusbands.com

If she doesn't start caring for the children like a parent should then social services may have to involved

Yea the father sounds useless but someone has to care for the children parents split up all the time life carries on

This is appalling for the children they have to deal with their father disappearing and their mother is no use they are the victims

There is only so long they can have irresponsible parents for, hopefully they will get help at school

Not “having the luxury of falling apart” means, if I fall apart my kids will go into care, I’ll lose my job and therefore income etc. So therefore I need to pick myself up and keep going no matter the cost to myself and my own mental health.

The ones you mention who did end up not coping and lost their kids because they didn’t have the right support around them, did not have the luxury of falling apart. They just did it anyway.

I don’t agree that it’s misogyny to expect women to put first the children they chose to have, in this situation. If I died or walked out on my family my husband would be expected to pick himself up and deal with the children, same way as I would. It’s not misogyny to expect the children to be put first.

This. I do have sympathy for @Setroinh sister but its been 6 weeks. She need to step up. I would see a divorce solicitor asap. As he has at the moment abandoned her, she has a better chance of being granted the house and pensions etc. once his money starts to run out abroad he will be back and a divorce will be trickier. Either way she needs to ensure that things are rolling. Find her a part time job so that she can rebuild her life. Staying in bed will make the inevitable much more difficult.

These guys currently have a six month waiting period for responding to some emails, so I would get onto them asap. It's for chasing up child maintenance if the absent parent is abroad.

www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad/other-partner-lives-abroad

I’m so sorry your sister is going through this. She is lucky to have you. Sadly, this is more common than you think. There is a group on Facebook called “Runaway Husbands” that she can join & get support from other women who have been through this

I cannot disagree with you more strongly.

Not “having the luxury of falling apart” means, if I fall apart my kids will go into care, I’ll lose my job and therefore income etc. So therefore I need to pick myself up and keep going no matter the cost to myself and my own mental health.

I'm sorry but this is what I mean by naive. You just gave a nice linear, normal, reasoned way of thinking as an example.

How much experience do you have working with people suffering with MH issues or going through a mental breakdown? They cannot 'reason themselves' out of it! Hence the GP will prescribe ADs. If you can reason linearly and if you can care for something outside your present anguish and follow through, you are coping!
You might be suffering the agonies of hell. But you are still putting one foot in front of the other. You might find other things, counselling, CBT, reiki, acupuncture, your relatives, a holiday in Marbella, exercise, botox, a few one night standers all or any help you to keep coping and cope better.

Not coping is I cannot reason normally, I cannot do that. I cannot think about the children. I cannot get my body to move when I need it to. I cannot get out of bed, get washed and put my clothes on, without huge energy, leaving me with nothing for the kids, let alone seeing to the children's needs. Even if people take the children, I cannot give attention to anything except my distress. I cannot give. There is nothing to give right now.

Mental health isn't something you can just push aside. People have different tolerance to coping. Some can cope better in the same situation that others cannot cope in. This is obvious in all other situations (even a death) except being abandoned by your husband for some reason. Being well off, rich, having help, ultimately won't prevent a person from sliding into a mental crisis if they cannot cope.

I absolutely do think misogyny has a great influence and women have imbibed it. They give grace to men to F off through not coping, but afford to the mother no such grace or time of absenteeism . It's as if we have a hangover from centuries old religious views of women 'Mother Mary and her seven sorrows' for e.g. and it's just expected that women will always find a way to be a good mother to the kids no matter what private hell she is going through. Plenty of women to castigate you even the midst of a MH crisis if you dont. 'Come on, get up!' It's no wonder it's easier for men to get up and leave. They know the kids will be alright. Because the woman/women will see to it.

You say you've lost weight and your stomach is in knots so I'm sure you can therefore understand the impact physically this has had on your sister. You didn't manage to look after yourself enough to avoid the weight loss so don't expect your sister to be able to look after herself right now either. You sometimes need to hit absolute rock bottom to pull yourself back up. It's a process she needs to go through. The problem with taking psychiatric meds (sertraline) is they can numb some of the pain which is incredibly unhelpful in terms of sorting yourself out in such instances. She will eventually heal and be strengthened by this but won't be the same.

I’ve already told my sons that if I see them treating their wives and DC badly, I’ll take it as a personal insult as a woman, as misogyny, and they’ll be in serious trouble with me.

My MIL told me it was all my fault.

Then I’d say your MIL did a shit job of bringing up her son to be accountable for his actions, and if she wants to blame anyone, blame herself for bringing up a coward.

Terrible.

Can the family intervene and request that your exBIL please meet for explanation and plan for how his children will be provided for? - It's the least he can do.

Would your parents meet with him and a mediator (and your sister if she is well enough)? They could plan to meet a couple of times until until things are more clear.

Thanks, yes I agree. All her DC had affairs but holds all the wives responsible. She took my ex in when I kicked him out, looked after him, took him out for dinner, even moaned that he was still having to work and then spend time with his own children whilst I was running myself into the ground. She also told me my role was to facilitate him. She’s an awful person. I no longer have anything to do with her. It’s made a hideous situation even harder.

it is actually not that uncommon. read runaway husbands by vikki stark

@Setroinh can I just check whether your sister is aware that you are posting about her here? It's a lot of personal stuff about someone else's life and recognisable circumstances.

I had this almost-exact situation when my husband left me. Shock, could eat, couldn't sleep at night (but slept all day), went from 9 stone to 6 stone 10. I'd say it took me 18 months to feel any better and that only antidepressants saved me. And time.

couldn't eat.