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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I out of practice or was this a weird discussion with manager?

162 replies

pensandpapwrs · 11/10/2024 20:05

I’ve been back at work just under six months after Mat leave, my daughter is 18 months. I was told my work wasn’t perfect when I came back as I was missing small things (work in a professional role) but I was steadily improving as the months had gone on. I was asked how I felt about things etc. I was told of the direction of the company and that manager was looking forward to us all embarking on this next phase of growth together.

So that was all ok. So I thought. I was then told it would be a good idea to re address the balance of my home and work life as it’s probably too much tipped into the home life at the moment. I have no idea what that meant, I leave to do nursery pick up but I’ve been told (by this manager) that that is fine. I also am on target. I just felt it was a weird thing to say, like how is the balance wrong and how can I NOT collect my child or be there for the home stuff? I was also told I need to build on being more robust so they can send more work to me steadily. I had no idea I wasn’t robust?!

I came out of the meeting feeling totally mixed messages. Am I reading into this too much?

OP posts:
SquatWeightaMinute · 11/10/2024 20:07

I would suggest another meeting next week so you can clarify on the points made as you found them a little vague.

vivainsomnia · 11/10/2024 20:09

Could they found that you take longer than expected when you pick up your child?

LIZS · 11/10/2024 20:13

Are you leaving early, making up time /work , or are others picking up any slack?

MargaretThursday · 11/10/2024 20:16

Does picking up either mean leaving earlier than your day finishes, or you then are trying to WFH with a child around?

Octavia64 · 11/10/2024 20:16

They want you to do more work.

Do you work in a place where there is a culture of evening and weekend work?

They may feel letting you go "early" to get your kid should be compensated for by you catching up in the evenings.

(Personally I think it's all bullshit but that's clearly what they mean.)

Wakeywake · 11/10/2024 20:19

Are you visibly tired and lacking concentration, taking too long on your tasks because of that? Constantly leaving early and not making the time up? Too much time off for child sickness or childcare reasons? You'll have to clarify what he meant.

pensandpapwrs · 11/10/2024 20:24

No I work in evenings and mornings even before nursery!

I absolutely cannot fathom it can be a comment about my availability as I am always available and responsive, that I am sure of.

it just felt an odd conversation as I don’t think I sway towards a home priority and certainly don’t express that I feel more passionate about home life than work. I do prioritise my child obviously but I really didn’t think I showed that at all. I mean, what more can I do than do the work and be responsive?!

OP posts:
DadJoke · 11/10/2024 20:26

How are these meetings minuted? If they aren't, send an email saying what you got out of the meeting but asking for specifics of what the home-life balance comment means in practical terms.

Tumbler2121 · 11/10/2024 20:26

Do you talk about your child and home life a lot? or get personal phone calls during work time?

LIZS · 11/10/2024 20:28

But is your day disrupted by the nursery runs, are you missing meetings or inconveniencing colleagues?

Bestyearever2024 · 11/10/2024 20:30

I was then told it would be a good idea to re address the balance of my home and work life as it’s probably too much tipped into the home life at the moment. I have no idea what that meant

Did you ask what they meant by this? What did they say?

Bestyearever2024 · 11/10/2024 20:34

I was also told I need to build on being more robust so they can send more work to me steadily. I had no idea I wasn’t robust?!

Again, what did they say when you asked what they meant by this?

I say this gently, but it wouldn't surprise me , ftom what you've said, if they're compiling a case for PIP/dismissal. Obviously not immediately, but they are documenting areas of failure for future use

If you find it difficult to think on your feet in meetings and therefore can't ask the appropriate questions, I'd take your union rep in with you

Soukmyfalafel · 11/10/2024 20:35

Bestyearever2024 · 11/10/2024 20:30

I was then told it would be a good idea to re address the balance of my home and work life as it’s probably too much tipped into the home life at the moment. I have no idea what that meant

Did you ask what they meant by this? What did they say?

This would make me want to leave. It's a really odd thing to say. Of course your home life will be more important with an 18m old. It doesn't last forever either.

HappyHedgehog247 · 11/10/2024 20:40

It doesn't sound that mixed to me. You've come back and are slowly improving, but they want more from you. They should have been able to give specific examples around the WLB. The robust one- they want to be able to send more work your way.

I'm not saying any of this is fair and don't know if it's justified but the message doesn't seem mixed to me - they want you to improve performance- you might need to explore how.

JustMarriedBecca · 11/10/2024 20:45

It sounds to me like it's time to look for another job. They think you need to put more effort in. Your flexible working arrangements don't suit their business. It sounds like an awful culture of presenteeism.

I had a similar conversation with someone I used to work with though. Told me I could progress but that I needed to choose to prioritise work.

I didn't. Took my clients and my team and we work somewhere else now. For a lot more money.

Don't put up with this outdated rubbish. It sounds like they've been after you since you went back after mat leave and they are compiling a narrative against you.

GreenBeret01 · 11/10/2024 20:46

@pensandpapwrs
The discussion seems to indicate that your manager is concerned about your ability to fully balance work and home commitments, despite previous assurances. This feedback, while vague, suggests they may feel that while you're meeting targets, your capacity for handling additional responsibilities or maintaining consistent quality could be impacted by your current work-life balance. A constructive approach would be to seek clarity on what "readdressing the balance" means specifically, and whether this is linked to their long-term expectations of workload management. It may also be helpful to ask for specific examples or areas where robustness can be developed to avoid any ambiguity going forward.

DangerMouseAndPenfoldx · 11/10/2024 20:47

I agree with @HappyHedgehog247 and would add that they want you to compartmentalise your work more. It sounds like there is a lot of flexibility there, and I know you say you are very available and working before nursery and in the evening, but it can be disruptive to others. It can be easier to just have someone work “normal” hours. And for them to be fully focussed during work hours and not trying to juggle.

Are you doing every nursery pickup? If so, are you sure that was your managers expectation? Could you switch to eg doing 2 pickups per week? Maybe discuss those examples with your manager?

GailTheSnail · 11/10/2024 20:53

It's hard when it's an informal arrangement, which apols if ive misunderstood but is what it sounds like Maybe make a flexible working request and make it more official so you both know where you stand? The work/life balance has to work for both parties

wordler · 11/10/2024 21:16

I'm assuming that everything in your post came up during the meeting - so what I would do is send a follow up meeting to your manager (and HR?) showing what you understood was said, and asking for more clarification on the things that are unclear. I'm putting the bits in Italics to show you what I'd referencing from your post - obvs don't include those bits in the email.

Start the email saying something like - "Following up on the meeting yesterday, thank you for the feedback, I just wanted to summarise what we talked about and ask for clarification on a few points.

I was told my work wasn’t perfect when I came back as I was missing small things (work in a professional role) but I was steadily improving as the months had gone on.

I appreciate that you have acknowledged the improvement in performance I have made since returning from maternity leave. I feel that I've worked hard to bring all work up to a professional standard and xxx xxx (insert something positive specific to your job performance here)

I was told of the direction of the company and that manager was looking forward to us all embarking on this next phase of growth together.

This was a really important part of the meeting. Can you remember specific words and phrases used? You need to add a line in summarising this to show your manager that you are on board with the 'next phase of growth' and are going to be a team player. So something like: I understand the direction the company is going and the need to do xxx and xxx together as a team to build xxx xxx xxx (whatever is specific to the message they were pushing at that point) Don't underestimate this part of the meeting - they were telling you their goals and expectations before the hit you with the whammy that they are not sure you are up to this 'next phase of growth' - make sure they know you understand there is a team goal and you are ready to be part of it.

I was then told it would be a good idea to re address the balance of my home and work life as it’s probably too much tipped into the home life at the moment. I have no idea what that meant, I leave to do nursery pick up but I’ve been told (by this manager) that that is fine.

Ask for clarification on this while also making sure they know that you are working before and after you come into the office, and double check again how the nursery run every day is being perceived.

I was concerned to hear that there is a feeling that my commitment to the position is being affected by my work home life balance. I would appreciate more clarification on this so that I can address any issues or concerns as soon as possible. I was told leaving to pick up my child from nursery was acceptable, and I have made sure to work from home before and after office hours to compensate for an early departure.

I was also told I need to build on being more robust so they can send more work to me steadily. I had no idea I wasn’t robust?!

I'd also like clarification on being told I need to be more robust. Could you be more specific on how that relates to my performance targets and what you would like to see from me.

My advice would be to watch how you are interacting with colleagues because the work life balance and robust comments sound to me like feedback that has been fed to your manager from your day to day interactions over the last six months. Do you come in exhausted - talk about DD a lot - make a big exit with how you must rush to get to nursery? That sometimes winds up colleagues especially those without kids who resent parents leaving at set times every day. I don't think it's wrong for you to have this accommodation but be careful how it appears so people aren't grumbling about you to the manager.

And re the robust - again sounds like colleagues complaining that they can't risk asking for things or help in case you get overwhelmed. Do you seem frazzled a lot at work?

k1233 · 11/10/2024 21:42

It sounds like they want to send more work your way but you're not available to do it either due to being slow at what you're doing or because you are distracted with the baby.

Pollss · 11/10/2024 21:45

What is it that you do & what sort of company is it?

soemtimes, it's just the manager being odd.

ThinWomansBrain · 11/10/2024 21:48

the kind of professional environment where you keep time sheets for charge out purposes?

If not, start logging the hours you work, which from what you've said is more hours than you are paid for, and all the 'off' or discriminatory sounding comments the twat is making - may come in useful if it ends up as constructive dismissal.

AgreeableDragon · 11/10/2024 21:49

Bestyearever2024 · 11/10/2024 20:34

I was also told I need to build on being more robust so they can send more work to me steadily. I had no idea I wasn’t robust?!

Again, what did they say when you asked what they meant by this?

I say this gently, but it wouldn't surprise me , ftom what you've said, if they're compiling a case for PIP/dismissal. Obviously not immediately, but they are documenting areas of failure for future use

If you find it difficult to think on your feet in meetings and therefore can't ask the appropriate questions, I'd take your union rep in with you

My thoughts exactly! Join a union if you're not already in one, And start getting things in writing.
BTW even if your company does not recognise a union, you can be in one Anna they can support you if needed.

pensandpapwrs · 11/10/2024 21:51

I literally never talk about DD unless asked. I never disrupt a meeting for a pick up at nursery, I would just pay the fine for late collection, which I have done on the two occasions it happened.

I have never inconvenienced anyone through childcare stuff or home life. At all.

The only thing I can think is perhaps I seem rushed a lot of the time. And I do often double check things with people which could suggest I am not 100% confident and therefore not robust?

the person saying they are looking to get rid of me… I don’t think so as part of the meeting was how excited my manager was to build the team even further with me and they knew I was highly capable and still working my way up on the return from mat leave… so I don’t think that sounds like they are teeing up anything? Also no notes were made at the time of the meeting. Perhaps they were afterwards but it was a general review meeting everyone has, not just scheduled for me.

OP posts:
TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 11/10/2024 21:53

Definitely request another meeting to go over the points that you weren't clear on. Ask them to clarify and give examples and follow up with an email to recap what is said afterwards so it's all on record.